Pounded by Produce

by G.M. Fairy

Who even looks for jobs in a newspaper anymore? Someone who doesn’t have internet or reliable transport to the local library, aka me.

Isn’t there a place that’s looking to hire a socially awkward, clumsy, slow-moving, funny (to herself and like two people) girl who likes to cook and water plants?

I feel this. 🤣🤦🏽‍♀️

My Uncle Gary didn’t stop there. He beat the shit out of Darrell once he showed up. Told him if he ever tried to contact me again that he knew plenty of places to hide a body. I’m thankful for my Uncle Gary, I truly am.

Yay Uncle Gary!

“On second thought, I really don’t want to be a nun. Don’t get me wrong, the outfits are sick, and I’m totally down with the eternal female friendship bit. I just need a little dick every now and then. You understand, right?”

Dying. 😹😹😹

“No, don’t worry. I’ve always had a dirty mouth.”

Oh snap. 🫣

I’m still lying on my back, not ready to move and finish all the tasks I didn’t complete. Shit. I have a job to do. I wasn’t hired to masturbate and sleep the day away.

I laughed way too loud at this. ☠️☠️☠️

“Don’t do this to me. I love you. I will love you no matter what form you take. Man, priest, tomato, even in death, my heart will beat for you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Don’t go!!!!

I have to remind myself not to take all the blame constantly. Sometimes, it seems like self-loathing is a symptom of womanhood.

This. Can this please stop.