The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

Looking back, I can see how paralyzed I was with imposter syndrome. What right did I have to call myself an expert in anything? I suppose I was just waiting for some kind of permission to put myself out there.

The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

did you know that high-fiving yourself in the mirror is one of the fastest ways to rewire your mindset for self-confidence?

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

It was other people. Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me. I was spending too much time and energy managing or worrying about other people. What they do, what they say, what they think, how they feel, and what they expect from me. The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

You live as though, if you say the right things, people will like you. If you keep taking on more work, your boss will respect you. If you act in the right way, and cater to what your mom wants, and also keep your friends happy, somehow you’ll find peace. You won’t.

If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

I spent years trying to be everything for everyone else, thinking that if I could just do enough, say the right things, and keep everyone happy, I’d finally feel good about myself. But what happens instead? You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. Still, someone criticizes. Still, you’re left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough.

To stop wasting your time, energy, and happiness trying to control things you can’t control—like other people’s opinions, moods, or actions—and, instead, focus on the one thing you can control: you.

When you stop managing everyone else, you’ll realize you have a lot more power than you thought—you’ve just unknowingly been giving it away.

Let Them—will free you from the burden of trying to manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and start living.

Imagine you’re at work, and your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting their negativity affect you, just say Let Them. Let them be grumpy. It’s not your problem. Focus on your work and how you feel.

Or maybe your dad makes another comment about your life choices, and it hits you like a brick. Instead of letting it ruin your day, just say Let Him. Let him have his opinions. They don’t change who you are or what you’ve accomplished or your right to make decisions that make you happy.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happi...

You can waste years of your life being distracted by meaningless things or late nights at work. It’s easy to get yourself so stressed out about life that you forget the entire point is to live it.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

I learned that the urge to control things comes from a very primal place: fear. Fear of being excluded, of not being liked, of things falling apart if we’re not steering the ship. And it shows up in all kinds of ways. We hover over our kids, making sure they make the “right” decisions. We try to influence our partner’s habits, worrying that if we don’t step in, they’ll somehow get it wrong. We even impose our opinions on friends, believing we know better than they do about how their lives should unfold.

control gives us the illusion of safety. When we’re in control, we believe we can protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

He said that the Let Them Theory represents “a profound truth: choosing peace is not weakness—it is power. This idea resonates deeply with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy, and his father, Daddy King’s vision of nonviolent action. ‘Let them’ doesn’t mean giving away control; it means reclaiming it. By choosing how we respond—by not feeding anger, hatred, or negativity—we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves. As Daddy King once said in the face of unimaginable loss, ‘I refuse to let hatred reduce me.’ This message is a call to recognize the strength we hold in our response, one that can transform our families, communities, and even the world.”

You always have power, no matter what is happening around you.

Martin then added: “True power lies in our response. My father believed that nonviolence was not passive but the most courageous form of action—choosing peace when hatred tries to provoke. By refusing to react with bitterness, we reclaim our power and shape a better future.”

I’ve had a lot of people ask if Let Them is the same thing as “letting it go.” It is not. Letting go feels like you’ve lost. You’re surrendering to something beyond your control. Let Them is the opposite: it’s strength.

When you say Let Them, you’re not giving up or walking away. You’re releasing that grip you have on how things should go and allowing them to unfold the way they will go. You’re freeing yourself. You’re making an active, empowered choice to release control you never truly had. You stop giving power to other people and forces outside of you, and you reclaim it for yourself. When you say Let Me you unleash your strength by focusing on your response. The beauty of Let Them and Let Me is that it helps you master these practices, so you can start living a more peaceful, powerful, and intentional life.

The source of your power is not in managing other people; it’s in your response. When you say Let Me, you’re tapping into that power by taking responsibility for what you do, think, or say next. Let Me makes you realize that you are in control of what happens next and that life is more fun and fulfilling when you’re not sitting alone in your superiority.

That’s why the theory only works if you say both parts. When you say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next.

The more you allow people to live their lives, the better your life will get. The more control you give up, the more you gain.

The Let Them Theory is not about superiority at all. It’s about balance. It’s about making room for both you and someone else. It’s about giving other people the space and the grace to live their lives—and then giving yourself the same.

Every time I say Let Them, I am acknowledging that my kids are capable, and stronger than I think. The Let Me part reminds me that my job is in supporting, listening, and guiding, not controlling. That said, I am still the parent, so there is a balance between trusting, letting them, and providing the support they need and stepping in when necessary.

The more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets. — Mel Robbins

There’s this famous quote about life from Greek philosopher Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” What does that mean? It means that your personal power is in how you react.

You can’t control what is happening around you, but you can control how you respond to it.

Dr. Aditi explained to me that stress is way bigger than just the tension you feel in your body. Stress is a physiological state in your brain. This is important to understand because stress actively hijacks the functioning of your brain. As Dr. Aditi explained it, normally your prefrontal cortex is in control.

To become the best version of yourself, you need to leverage this part of your brain.

If you’ve ever heard someone refer to the “fight, flight, or freeze response,” that’s the exact same thing as your “stress response”—meaning that when you are stressed, your amygdala is in control. This can cause rash decision-making and more impulsive behaviors.

Your amygdala takes over automatically. And, this part of your brain has one job: survival and self-preservation.

it was a revelation to learn that stress is your body and brain switching between two functions. It’s empowering to know that I can switch back to normal functioning and that it’s not hard to do, using the Let Them Theory.

The moment you say Let Them, you are signaling to your brain that it’s okay: This isn’t worth stressing about. You are telling your amygdala to turn off. You are resetting that stress response by detaching from the negative emotion you feel. Here’s how you do it: The moment anything happens that stresses you out, say Let Them. Put yourself in pause. Then say Let Me and take a breath.

Focusing on what you can’t control makes you stressed. Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful.

When you say Let Them, you make a decision not to allow other people’s behavior stress you out or bother you. When you say Let Me, you reset your stress response and take responsibility for how you respond.

Here is what they told me to do: Build a simple website with photos of you on a stage, plus a description of your keynote and the main takeaways. Get testimonials from a few event planners at past events you have spoken at and put them on the website. And then most important: Start posting about speaking online. Turn your social media into your marketing. Post photos from events. Post content related to your speech. Post photos with the event planners that hire you. Social media is how people find you. Social media demonstrates that you are a player in this industry. And social media is what will lead people to that one-page website so they can book you.

everybody has critical opinions about people they love as well as total strangers. It is a fact of life. Embrace it and accept it. Instead of trying to change reality, start using it to your advantage.

Here’s another truth: Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole.

Instead of wasting your time worrying about them, start living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Let Me do what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.

Doing what makes you happy, being brave, taking risks, and following your own path will always be more important than other people’s opinions about it. This is YOUR life. Stop letting other people’s opinions ruin it.

Every time you say Let Them, you clear all of the noise and distraction on the surface and create space for something deeper: your voice, your intuition, your truth, and your unique path in life. It’s always been there. It’s just been buried beneath all this fear.

When YOU are proud of yourself, you hold all the power.