The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Waiting for someone to come along and tell you that today is the day to start. The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

core principle of Stoicism: Focus on yourself, because that’s where your true power lies.

The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are.

Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us.

Greek philosopher Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

your personal power is in how you react.

You must learn to focus on what you say, think, or do. That’s how you remain in control.

stress causes you to doubt yourself, procrastinate, burn out, doomscroll, and struggle with comparison.

If you’re having trouble focusing, feeling happy, or taking care of yourself, the reason is stress.

Your silence can’t be misquoted.

taking deep breaths has been scientifically proven to help lower your stress response.

Every time you say Let Them, you acknowledge that you cannot control this situation that is stressing you out.

If you allow yourself to get completely stressed out, you are giving all your power to other people.

reminder that your peace is worth protecting.

If I’m still thinking about it an hour from now, I should do something.

If it’s going to matter in a week or a year, then I definitely need to do something.

we always have the power to decide what energy we feed, what battles we fight, and how we create change.

no matter how big the problem is or how stressful something feels, there’s always something you can do through your actions and your attitude to make it better.

The Let Them Theory really highlights this and empowers you to make better choices about what is worth your time and energy and what isn’t.

you get to choose what impacts you and to what extent.

You get to choose what you participate in and what you don’t. You get to choose when a job or relationship or issue is worth fighting for, and when it’s time to leave.

You get to choose, and that is why you are always in control o...

Poet Mary Oliver asked this question in her poem “The Summer Day”: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness?

it is impossible to control someone else’s thoughts.

Therefore, fearing what other people think, or trying to control their thoughts, is a complete waste of your time.

It is physically and neurologically impossible for you to control what someone else thinks.

The average human being has about 70,000 thoughts a day. Most of which are random and cannot be controlled.

ludicrous to waste any of your energy worrying about what other people think or trying ...

assume people will think negative thoughts about you.

Because people do have negative thoughts about you. This is normal.

Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole.

Starting today, you are going to grant people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you. Let Them.

Let Them think what they want. Let Me do what I want.

Let Me live my life in a way that makes me proud. Let Me make decisions that align with my values. Let Me take risks because I want to. Let Me follow the path my soul is turning me toward.

When you operate in a way that makes you proud of yourself, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

it’s never your job to manage another adult’s emotions.

Winning the game of life requires you to focus on the cards you have and choosing what to do with them.

Stop. Let Them live their life. Let Me focus on mine.

They aren’t special; they’ve just been what you aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.

The more you let people be who they are, the better your relationships will be. — Mel Robbins

three pillars of friendship: proximity, timing, and energy.

People’s behavior tells you exactly how they feel about you.

If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.