The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

choosing peace is not weakness—it is power.

Their disrespect doesn’t say anything about you. How you respond does. Stop asking why they are doing this. The question is, why do you want to be with someone who does this to you? You don’t. Don’t waste your energy chasing someone who’s already left. Focus on what you can control: processing your emotions and reminding yourself that you deserve someone who treats you with respect.

How exactly is feeling morally superior going to help you create those great friendships? It’s not.

When YOU are proud of yourself, you hold all the power.

What seems logical on the surface doesn’t feel logical when you know it will cause other people a lot of pain.

In life the most courageous, honorable, and kind thing to do is tell someone you don’t want to be with them.

When you see comparison as a teacher, you’ll realize other people aren’t taking anything from you; they are giving something to you. Other people have this beautiful capacity to show you pieces of your future that you cannot fully see for yourself yet. They show you possibilities that you didn’t realize existed or told yourself you are incapable of achieving.

There are three factors that I believe make great friendships possible: proximity, timing, and energy. These pillars are the invisible foundation every friendship is built on.

Researchers say the kinds of people you sit next to at the coffee shop, or stand next to in the elevator in your building, are not strangers—they are “weak ties.”

All you have to do is go first.

A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

In this method, you’ll ask “why?” five total times until you feel like you’ve gotten to a much deeper answer as to why this bothers you so much. Here’s how you use the 5 Whys method: Ask yourself: Why does this person’s behavior (or this situation) bother me so much? Think about it, and write or say your answer. And then, ask it again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then a final time: Why does that bother you? Here’s an example of how that could look with my friend who is upset about her husband’s health. Let’s ask her: Why does this behavior/situation bother you? It bothers me because he doesn’t seem to care about his health. Why does that bother you? He is modeling unhealthy habits for our kids. Why does that bother you? It’s like he’s ignoring everything important for an extra beer, 15 minutes longer at the TV, and an ice cream . . . and it’s making him unattractive. Why does that bother you? He’s the love of my life and I think he’s being selfish. I don’t want him to have a heart attack when he could just get off the couch and exercise. Why does that bother you? I’m terrified that I’ll lose him before I have to.

People do well when they can. Not when they want to do well, but when they can.

“Don’t shield them from the consequences of what they choose.” At some point, you’re going to decide to stop subsidizing someone’s life, who refuses to do the work or get the professional help they need to get better.

People avoid healing because they do not believe they can face the pain they are running from. So Let Them borrow their belief from you. Because when someone feels accepted, loved, and supported, it’s easier for them to believe in their ability to step back into life too.

Step D: DECIDE if this is a DEAL BREAKER or not.

Ask yourself: Could you be with this person for the rest of your life if they never, ever change?

Step E: END your bitching or END the relationship.

Imagine standing beneath a sky that’s constantly shifting—sometimes clear and blue, other times filled with clouds, or rumbling with storms. You’ve spent so much time and energy trying to keep that sky clear, wishing away the clouds, hoping for endless sunshine. But the sky doesn’t care what you want. It will do what it does, with or without your input. The breakthrough moment comes when you realize this: The sky’s beauty isn’t diminished by the presence of clouds or storms. In fact, it’s the variety, the unpredictability, that makes it truly magnificent. The storms highlight the calm; the clouds make the sun more precious. The same is true for your life. You’ve been trying to control the uncontrollable, trying to force the world to conform to your expectations. But what if, instead, you focused on your own response to whatever the world throws your way? You can’t change the weather. But you can change how it impacts you.

Why would you ever entrust something as precious as your confidence, your peace of mind, your happiness, and your dreams to the whims and moods of the people around you?