The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

I learned three important things: First, most of us are just trying to do our best to get ahead, pay our bills, raise a family, fall in love, have more fun, and reach the potential of our lives. We’re just looking for simple ways to be a little happier and make our lives a little better. And we’re not only looking for those resources for ourselves—we are looking for the people in our lives who need them too.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

If you act in the right way, and cater to what your mom wants, and also keep your friends happy, somehow you’ll find peace. You won’t.

To stop wasting your time, energy, and happiness trying to control things you can’t control—like other people’s opinions, moods, or actions—and, instead, focus on the one thing you can control: you.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.

The Let Them Theory will teach you that the more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets. And, the more you let people be who they are, or feel what they feel, or think what they think, the better your relationships will be.

The more I said Let Them the more I realized that a lot of what I worried about wasn’t worth my time, nor did it deserve my attention. And not everyone was worth my energy. It was liberating.

Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you.

The only person you are in control of is you.

I gained more control over my own life than I have ever had before.

no longer weighed down by the need to manage other people.

People will do what they want to do. They’ll make their own choices, live their own lives.

hated feeling rejected,

Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us.

When you say Let Them, you’re not giving up or walking away. You’re freeing yourself. You’re releasing that grip you have on how things should go and allowing them to unfold the way they will go.

When you let others be who they are, you’re making an active, empowered choice to release control you never truly had.

Let Them show you who they are.

Let Me makes you realize that you are in control of what happens next and that life is more fun and fulfilling when you’re not sitting alone in your superiority.

When you say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next.

The more control you give up, the more you gain.

It’s about giving other people the space and the grace to live their lives—and then giving yourself the same.

No one owes me an invite. No one owes me a call.

The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience.

Stress is a physiological state in your brain.

When you live in a state of chronic stress, you are locked in a constant state of fight or flight. Your amygdala is humming in the background, always on.

How amazing is it that other people’s behavior doesn’t have to be a huge problem in your life?

Here’s how you do it: The moment anything happens that stresses you out, say Let Them. Put yourself in pause. Then say Let Me and take a breath.

Let Me take another breath. Slow your stress response. Calm your body and brain down. Take control and regain your power.

not every conversation needs your participation—and you do not always have to have the last word.

want you to see what a problem this is. When you let other people stress you out, you surrender your power to things that either don’t matter or are beyond your control. And it often spirals into other areas of your life for hours, weeks, and even years.

I find it helpful in these stressful moments to just say Let Them, take a pause, and consider: Is this going to bother me in an hour? Is this going to bother me in a week? Or is this something that just bothers me right now?

If you’re starting a business, or you’ve got a side hustle, or you’ve started trying to make money online through social media, you’re probably nodding your head, because in the very beginning, you’re putting in a lot of work with zero return.

I am telling you this story to prove two points: First, even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought. Let Them.

Second—and this is the most important point—don’t be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy. I used to be that person. It left me depleted and feeling like nothing I could do was ever good enough.

When you go to your parents because you feel “guilty,” you’ve turned your parents into the villain. When you choose to go because you’d be mad at yourself if you didn’t, you’re in control of your decisions.

or you no longer want to follow the same traditions,

this will send shock waves through the entire family system because it disrupts everybody’s expectations and beliefs about who you are and how you should live your life.

Lisa Bilyeu, who is a bestselling author, host of Women of Impact podcast, and co-founder of the billion-dollar nutrition company Quest Nutrition,

This could mean spending time with your family not out of guilt, but because it matters to you.

That might mean defining your own traditions even though it upsets your family.

That might mean freeing yourself from guilt and making some changes.

When you say Let Them, you make a decision to let people think negative thoughts about you. When you say Let Me, you focus on the one person who’s opinion truly matters—yours. You get one wild and precious life, so go live it in a way that makes you proud.

Their passive-aggressive behavior, guilt trips, and emotional outbursts are driving your decisions. This is why you say yes when you really want to say no. You cave when you should stand firm. This is why it’s hard for you to set boundaries. This is why you walk on eggshells when certain people are in a bad mood.

When someone gives you the silent treatment, it all stems from their inability to understand their emotions or past demons.

Instead of expecting other people to change, demand the change of yourself. Hold yourself to a higher standard and stop allowing this type of emotionally immature behavior to be your responsibility to manage.

Stop staying in situations where someone’s repeated emotional immaturity is starting to feel more like abuse. Stop feeling sorry for people who play the victim all the time.

Because until this person does the work to build the skills of emotional intelligence, they will always pull the silent treatment, play the victim, or be passive aggressive. This isn’t a personality trait, it’s a pattern.

Learning how to let other adults manage their own emotions will change your life. So will learning how to let your own emotions rise and fall while still communicating what you need to, even when it is very painful to do so.

You don’t want to deal with their guilt, venting, and bad moods, so you just avoid them. You’re not avoiding confrontation—you’re avoiding someone else’s emotions. The only conflict is the conflict you’re going to feel internally about how your decisions are going to impact other people emotionally and how they’re going to react.

Never let someone else’s emotional reactions keep you from making the hard decision.