The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

Your silence can’t be misquoted.

One of the things that I have determined for myself is that it is important for me to have a close relationship with my family. And wasting my time and energy allowing them to stress me out or trying to control situations that are beyond my control is a waste of time. Because the truth is this: You have limited time with your loved ones. At some point, you’re going to realize that your parents aren’t going to be here forever, and that this was their first time as a human being too.

And one of these days, you are going to wake up and realize that you not only changed yourself, but you are in the middle of living the life you were once jealous of.

Before you walk away from a friendship, assume good intent on the other person’s part. Sometimes, you’re just friends with someone who never makes plans, or is extremely introverted, or who has a lot of heavy or demanding things going on in their life. It’s not that they are ghosting you; it’s that they are exhausted by the chapter of life they are in. It’s not personal that they’ve become distant. And the fact that you still reach out may be the lifeline that they need.

Another reason why pressure doesn’t work? Humans are wired to move toward what feels good right now and to move away from what feels hard in the moment.

When someone feels that you accept them as they are, they feel safe with you.

Here’s how you use the 5 Whys method: Ask yourself: Why does this person’s behavior (or this situation) bother me so much? Think about it, and write or say your answer. And then, ask it again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then a final time: Why does that bother you?

If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible.