The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

I woke up every day, and regardless of how I felt, I kept slowly chipping away at my goals for over a decade, a painstakingly slow process.

The 5 Second Rule will help you push through your own internal obstacles and take action when you don’t feel motivated to do so. And if you use it for long enough, you’ll be shocked by what you can achieve.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

The time that you have with the people that you love is like a melting ice cube.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them.

As I said earlier, other people hold no real power over you, unless you give them that power. And every time you say Let Them, you choose to take it back.

The fact is, not every email warrants a response and not every conversation needs your participation—and you do not always have to have the last word. And as the famous saying goes: Your silence can’t be misquoted.

Do not reinvent the wheel. Follow the formula and use it to your advantage.

Here’s another truth: You are so much stronger than anyone’s opinions about you. Stop giving your power to other people and step into your potential.

In life, you don’t want to be a doormat, but you also don’t want to be an inconsiderate bulldozer. It’s a balance.

don’t be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy. I used to be that person. It left me depleted and feeling like nothing I could do was ever good enough.

When you operate in a way that makes you proud of yourself, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

I once heard a therapist say at a conference, “If it weren’t for families, I wouldn’t have a business.”

What I love about this idea of stepping into someone else’s Frame of Reference is that understanding where someone is coming from may not change their opinion or yours, but it will deepen the connection that you have while you navigate your relationship.

But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions.

Accepting the reality of your situation doesn’t mean you’re surrendering to it.

You get one wild and precious life, so go live it in a way that makes you proud.

It’s because adults, at their core, are just as emotional as children. The difference is, they are better at hiding it. . . most of the time.

that when a child (or adult) experiences disappointment because they can’t have what they want, or sadness over a loss, that these are mentally healthy responses to life experiences. These

why so many people live with anxiety, depression, addiction, or chronic pain—because they have avoided all the emotions over the years that then build up inside of them without any outlet.

“hoping someone will change is what keeps you trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature or worse, emotionally abusive.”

Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up. The reason why you must learn how to Let Them rise is that once they do, they also fall.

If you’re not careful, comparison can become the reason why you doubt yourself, procrastinate, and continue to stay stuck.

There is enough happiness, success, friendship, and money to go around for absolutely everyone including you. It is in limitless supply.

Flip your jealousy to inspiration. See what’s possible through their example. The people you compare yourself to act as mirrors, reflecting back bigger possibilities—or in Molly’s case, the formula and the work she was avoiding.

“The truth is you don’t have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.”

All these people who stir up your jealousy are here to show you the simple fact that while you have been making excuses, they’ve been putting in the reps, slowly chipping away at the boring, hard stuff.

The fact is, inspiration is not enough to get you motivated to do something.

This is why anger is important. This is why comparison can be one of your greatest teachers, and I am willing to bet when it happens, it will likely be someone you know who makes you mad.

I had counted on my husband being successful and providing me with the financial support to have the things that I wanted in life. The truth is, your life is your responsibility.

And here is another hard truth: Energy shifts over time. Sometimes for the worse, and sometimes for the better. And that’s a good thing, because it means that you and the people in your life are growing into new versions of yourselves.

Remember, people are wired to move toward what feels easy and pleasurable now. Dr. K says that in order to make a change, a person must be able to separate themselves from the pain they will feel in the moment and the action that they need to take.

Everyone thinks they are the exception to bad outcomes happening to them. Which explains why your tears, pleading, and ultimatums will also backfire.

What’s in their way is a lack of belief in their ability to change—they don’t think they can.

Skill not will is the resistant to change

The point of this technique is not to get them to tell you the truth. It’s to create discomfort that they feel internally. They may not express it to you.

You are just a vehicle for getting them to experience the disconnect, and you are doing it in a way that is loving, compassionate, and curious.

All you can do after you’ve asked the open-ended questions is observe the behavior and stop yourself from trying to change it. If you are seeing them change, amazing. If not, Let Them be.

Humans move towards immediate positive benefits such as celebrations.

When you are dealing with a child, you are responsible for their emotional, financial, and physical support. When you are dealing with an adult, you are not.

The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. The more you judge someone for their behavior, the better they will get at lying to you about it.

This is always true when you’re dealing with a child, because their brains are not fully formed. Which is why you cannot allow a child to drive their own healing. According to the experts, a human brain from a developmental perspective doesn’t mature fully until 25 years old.

There is a huge difference between trying to make someone’s pain go away and offering support that allows them to do the work themselves.

When we let people face the real-world consequences of the choices they make, they hopefully learn from them.

avoidance is a habit and coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted.

Stop rescuing people from their problems and start acting as if you believe in their ability to face them.

“Don’t shield them from the consequences of what they choose.”

By chasing love, you chase away the deep and meaningful relationship you’re worthy of.

You want to be loved so much that you can find yourself giving your power away to the other person.

Can you still love them despite all these things? Because, the reality of it is. . . they may never change. And here is the other thing, they probably won’t.