The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Fear of being excluded, of not being liked, of things falling apart if we’re not steering the ship.

the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are.

accept reality but also separate yourself from the need to change it.

observe what’s happening without being consumed by it. The result? You remain calm, clearheaded, and in control of your actions.

choosing peace is not weakness—it is power.

the strength we hold in our response,

You can’t control how other adults behave, and stressing about it diminishes your power. You’ll never reach the full potential of your life if you continue to allow stupid things or rude people to drain your life force.

The fact is, not every email warrants a response and not every conversation needs your participation—and you do not always have to have the last word. And as the famous saying goes: Your silence can’t be misquoted.

your peace is worth protecting.

your stress at work isn’t changing so you need to change your approach to dealing with it.

There is always a next move.

You are never stuck. That’s a lie you tell yourself. You can leave a job, a relationship, a living situation, a date, an interview, or a conversation anytime you want to.

Let Me stay engaged and vocal on the issues I care about and do something that can change the future of my local, national, and global politics. Don’t sit around and wait for someone else to clean up the mess that you see.

we always have the power to decide what energy we feed, what battles we fight, and how we create change.

if it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it.

two things can be true at once.

Most people don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy way, much less communicate their needs in a direct and respectful fashion.

Life isn’t fair. But at some point, you’ve got to wake up, accept that fact, and stop obsessing over what other people have, what they look like, and what they’ve achieved.

two different types of comparison that people engage in: torture or teacher.

one in four people do not have access to clean drinking water. The truth is, if you have running water, electricity, and the time to read this book, you’re doing better than most people.

Flip your jealousy to inspiration. See what’s possible through their example. The people you compare yourself to act as mirrors, reflecting back bigger possibilities—or

if you’re not motivated to do something, it’s going to take something painful to force you to change.

“The truth is you don’t have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.”

husband. I was mad at myself because I had given up on my own ambition. I had counted on my husband being successful and providing me with the financial support to have the things that I wanted in life. The truth is, your life is your responsibility. If you want financial success, it is your responsibility to create it.

I had been avoiding that responsibility for a decade. This experience forced me to look in the mirror and be honest with myself about what I wanted. Jealousy was in fact a message from my future self.

It’s easier to blame someone else, and sit in your anger, than it is to take responsibility for yourself.

Before you walk away from a friendship, assume good intent on the other person’s part. Sometimes,

It’s not personal that they’ve become distant.

Friendships are not a tit for tat. Do not keep score. Reach out to people because you want to. But don’t expect a response. How quickly or how often someone responds is not a sign of how much they care about you. It’s more likely an indication of how overwhelmed they may be.

When somebody “loses touch,” it doesn’t mean you’ve lost a friend. I hate the fact that a lot of people think that just because someone is distant, they are now your enemy. Let Them be distant. Just because they are not in front of your face doesn’t mean you’re against them. Make it a habit to just cheer for people and wish them the best.

you haven’t even met some of your favorite people yet.

live your life knowing that there are so many incredible people and connections and experiences, just waiting for you to be the one to go first and say hello?

The warmth you give to others always finds its way back to you.

be more flexible, not take things personally, and allow the right people to come in, and let the wrong people to leave.

There are three pillars to adult friendship: proximity, timing, and energy. It’s your responsibility to understand these three pillars and adopt a flexible mentality and proactive approach to your friendships. You have so much power in your relationships and some of your most favorite people are just waiting for you to go first.

compassion, not contempt.

Pressure doesn’t create change—it creates resistance to it.

Acceptance of another person, as they are, is the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. When someone feels that you accept them as they are, they feel safe with you.

Loving people means that you have to meet them where they are.

feel the tension between their current behavior and what they actually want.

Seeing the disconnect between what they want and their current actions is what pushes them to eventually change for themselves.

no one gets sober until being drunk is more painful than facing the thing you are running from.

she had the strength, the ability, and the power to work through her anxiety and fears and learn how to be okay whenever she was feeling anxious or uncomfortable.

stronger is by facing the things they feel too weak to face.

they have within them the ability to do something that feels hard.

Stop rescuing people from their problems and start acting as if you believe in their ability to face them.

You don’t get to have someone else fund your life and then have an attitude when they have an opinion about how you’re using their money.

If you’re going to choose them, you owe it to them and to yourself to choose them exactly as they are.

relationships are about learning how to love someone for who they are, not for who you wish they could be.