The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

The more you judge someone for their behavior, the better they will get at lying to you about it.

When the heart is involved, logic goes out the window. You can find yourself explaining away bad behavior or creating a fantasy in your head instead of accepting reality. You can also convince yourself to stay in a relationship that isn’t working because it feels better than breaking up and facing the unknown.

People choose who and how they love, and sometimes it won’t be you. But never forget: You get to choose who and how you love too. You get to choose who is worth your time and energy, and you get to choose how you want to be treated.

“If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

A study from the University of Alberta shows that after the initial “honeymoon phase,” a new relationship tends to follow the exact same dynamic patterns of old relationships. The eight-year study showed that people tend to repeat patterns, bring the same dynamics to new experiences, and avoid addressing their own issues. . . which, in turn, create the exact same broken relationship dynamics over and over.

She didn’t make him feel bad. She didn’t go on and on about how much she liked him or that she was falling for him. In fact, she didn’t focus on him at all. She focused on the value of her time and what she was looking for.

the #1 mistake that people make when they are trying to take something to the next level is focusing on the other person, rather than focusing on the value of their time and what they want in life.

That means, do you truly love your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, or partner for who they are right now? Or do you love who they once were or who you wish they would become?

Can you still love them despite all these things? Because, the reality of it is. . . they may never change. And here is the other thing, they probably won’t.

People only do what they feel like doing. Yes, you can influence them. But if you keep wanting them to change, and they don’t, it not only weakens your love. It creates resentment.

This is very important because based on the laws of human nature you should assume the person is never going to change.

And now she has to wait. One of the hardest parts about waiting, and just letting them be, is that moment when your loved ones complain about the natural consequences of their behavior.

And then, Let Me use science. Ask them an open-ended question. “Why does this upset you?” or “What do you want to do about this?” or something else.

In other words, you value different things, and you have a different vision for how you want to live day-to-day and what you want to experience in your life. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, almost all gridlock in your relationship comes from “unfulfilled dreams.”

The worst thing someone can say to you when a relationship has just ended is that you should focus on “loving yourself.” That is the world’s worst advice, because when you’re going through heartbreak, you often hate yourself.

You question everything. You wonder if you’ll ever find love again. You want your old life and you wish you could go back to the way things were. You want what you used to have. It feels like your heart is shattering, because it is.

It’s not just your heart that is breaking, it’s all of these patterns in your life. It’s the circuitry in your body. It’s your nervous system. It’s the thoughts in your mind. It’s the images in your heart. It’s the songs you used to listen to. When you get dressed for work, when you climb into bed at the end of the day and wake up alone in the morning, they will be on your mind.

And you’re going to be in the thick of it for at least three months. That is how long the research says it takes to grieve a breakup before you’ll start to feel a little better.

In case nobody else tells you, I want to be sure to tell you: I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to unlock all the magic and joy that your amazing life has to offer. All it takes is two simple words: Let Me.