The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

The problem with waiting is no one is coming.

And here’s the sad truth: You and I, we can’t stop the ice cube from melting. The only thing we can do is make the most of the time that we have with the people that we love while we have it. In moments like this, when I really stop and pause, I always feel a little sad.

Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

choosing peace is not weakness—it is power.

‘I refuse to let hatred reduce me.’

You always have power, no matter what is happening around you.

“True power lies in our response.

Let Them show you who they are. Their disrespect doesn’t say anything about you. How you respond does.

Anytime you internalize other people’s thoughts, actions, and feelings as evidence that somehow you’re a bad person or you’ve done something wrong, you just gave other people power.

Every time you say Let Them, you acknowledge that you cannot control this situation that is stressing you out. When you say Let Me, you are following Dr. Aditi’s advice and focusing on what you can control, which is your response to these stressful situations.

When you say Let Them, you make a decision not to allow other people’s behavior stress you out or bother you. When you say Let Me, you reset your stress response and take responsibility for how you respond.

Poet Mary Oliver asked this question in her poem “The Summer Day”: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Let Me do what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.

Let Me live my life in a way that makes me proud. Let Me make decisions that align with my values. Let Me take risks because I want to. Let Me follow the path my soul is turning me toward.

underneath this fear, your soul has been nudging you all along in the direction that is meant for you.

When it comes to family, your relatives are entitled to their opinions, but that’s different from them rejecting your right to live your life, be your own person, and love who you choose to love.

Because the truth is: You have limited time with your loved ones. At some point, you’re going to realize that your parents aren’t going to be here forever, and that this was their first time as a human being too.

People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. Most people haven’t gone to therapy, haven’t looked at their issues, and they don’t want to.

Let Them cry, beg, or do whatever they need, for as long as they need. If kids are not allowed to experience the full wave of emotion (without an adult saying “calm down,” or “this is silly,” or “you’re overreacting”), they never learn how to process normal human emotions in a healthy way. Instead, they become an emotionally immature adult who takes it out on the rest of us.

When you tell a child to “get over it” or “stop crying” or “calm down,” you are training them to suppress how they feel. To distract, avoid, or numb these normal human emotions.

Here’s how you use the Let Them Theory to process your own emotions in a healthy way: When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them. And then, Let Me not react. Don’t reach for your phone. Don’t turn on the TV. Don’t make a drink. Don’t open the fridge. And for crying out loud, don’t text anyone. Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up. The reason why you must learn how to Let Them rise is that once they do, they also fall.

That’s one of my biggest takeaways from using the Let Them Theory: You will never be able to control what is happening around you. You will also never be able to control your emotional responses, because they are automatic—just like how your stress response turns on automatically. But you can always choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, the world around you, or the emotions that are rising up inside of you. That’s the source of all your power.

And there will be times when making the right decision for yourself is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do in life.

What’s helped me is thinking about emotional discomfort like learning to ride a wave in the ocean. Because, at their core, emotions are like waves. They rise, they fall.

The sky will do what it does—clouds will gather, storms will come, and the sun will shine when it pleases. You can’t control it, but you can control how you navigate beneath it. You can carry an umbrella; you can dance in the rain; you can chase the sun when you need to.