The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

When you’re an adult, your life, happiness, health, healing, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, and success are all your responsibility.

not every email warrants a response and not every conversation needs your participation—and you do not always have to have the last word. And as the famous saying goes: Your silence can’t be misquoted.

That might mean having the hard conversations that you have been avoiding out of fear of their opinions or judgment. That might mean freeing yourself from guilt and making some changes. And it might mean separating yourself because you no longer are willing to accept less than you deserve.

The reality is adults are as emotional as children, and it is not your responsibility to manage someone else’s reactions. As long as you let other people’s emotional immaturity dictate your choices, you’ll always come last in your own life.

Why are you always the one who has to adjust? Why do you take on the responsibility for someone else’s happiness—at the expense of your own?

It’s your responsibility to help a child create space to process their own range of emotions. But it is not your responsibility to manage another adult’s emotional reactions.

“hoping someone will change is what keeps you trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature or worse, emotionally abusive.”

For you it might be a parent that gets angry, storms out of the room, and refuses to talk to anybody for several days or a weekend. Or, in the case of one of my best friends, her mother suddenly stopped talking to her for a month. And then one day she would come down the stairs in the morning, and it was as if nothing had ever happened. Or maybe for you, it’s a father with a narcissistic personality style, or a sister who always plays the victim, or an ex who is constantly blowing up your phone with text messages and then apologizing. Dr. Ramani will tell you: They aren’t changing.

When someone pulls the silent treatment on you, or plays the victim, or erupts in frustration, Let Them. And then I want you to visualize an eight-year-old trapped inside their body. When you do that, something wild happens. You don’t feel scared of this person. You actually pity them. You feel compassion instead of contempt. You will also realize that their inability to process normal human emotions like sadness, insecurity, disappointment, anger, fear, and rejection is not your fault. And it’s also not your problem to solve. This has been happening to this person since they were a child.

Let Them erupt. Let Them play the victim. Let Them sulk. Let Them deny that it happened. Let Them make it all about them.

Then, Let Me. Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let Me remind myself that managing another person’s emotions is not my job. Let Me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening.

Hold yourself to a higher standard and stop allowing this type of emotionally immature behavior to be your responsibility to manage. Stop staying in situations where someone’s repeated emotional immaturity is starting to feel more like abuse. Stop feeling sorry for people who play the victim all the time. Stop explaining away someone’s clearly narcissistic patterns. The more time you pour into a relationship with someone who acts like an eight-year-old, the more you’re going to feel like a parent to a child.

When you recognize that you are dealing with someone who has a lot of internal work to do, you can draw healthier boundaries around the amount of time and energy you are willing to give to them.

That’s one of my biggest takeaways from using the Let Them Theory: You will never be able to control what is happening around you. You will also never be able to control your emotional responses, because they are automatic—just like how your stress response turns on automatically. But you can always choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, the world around you, or the emotions that are rising up inside of you. That’s the source of all your power.

Learning how to let other adults manage their own emotions will change your life. So will learning how to let your own emotions rise and fall while still communicating what you need to, even when it is very painful to do so. And there will be times when making the right decision for yourself is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do in life.

When I know my actions may disappoint or upset someone, I find it helpful to remember Dr. Damour’s framing that negative emotions are a mentally healthy response to life’s upsets. People are allowed to be upset when you change your mind, and disappointed or heartbroken when you break up. People are allowed to be depressed when they lose their job. So how do you do this, and how do you manage the excruciating level of guilt and discomfort YOU are going to feel when you make a hard decision that you know is the right decision for you?

But if you’re serious about being successful or healthy or achieving your goals, you have no time to be upset, and you cannot afford to waste your energy being jealous. You need that energy, because you have work to do. These moments are really painful, and they are going to happen a lot in your life—so get ready for it. Using the Let Them Theory, you’ll be able to recognize when comparison is trying to teach you something. Jealousy is a doorway to your future cracked open, and it’s your job to recognize when it happens, kick the door open, and walk right through it.

When you say Let Them, you release the need to cling to friendships that no longer serve you, making space for connections that truly matter. When you say Let Me, you take charge of your social life, reaching out, initiating, and cultivating the kind of friendships that reflect your values and bring you happiness. It’s time to stop waiting and start creating—building the best friendships of your life and surrounding yourself with a community that uplifts and supports you. You have so many laughs, memories to make, and incredible adventures in your future.

Have you thought about what YOU might want to do about this?

When people are struggling, they have a lot of shame and are often in denial about it. They already feel like a burden and often tell themselves they are letting everyone down. Which is why people often don’t ask for help or open up about what is going on.

Yes, they need your love and support. But here’s the hard part: They do not need to be “rescued.” I will say this again: The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. The more you judge someone for their behavior, the better they will get at lying to you about it.

But providing money with specific conditions is support, and it can look like this: You can live here, if you’re sober. I’ll pay for therapy, as long as you and your therapist agree to a monthly check in with me. I’ll pay for tuition as long as you get a 3.0. I’ll pay your rent, phone bill, and car payments if you go to inpatient treatment for your eating disorder.

There’s that famous saying, “If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Feeling confused is a very dangerous place to be when you’re dating because if you like them, your knee-jerk reaction will be to convince yourself that they like you. Do NOT do that. Let Them confuse you.

Stop chasing the potential of who someone might be. Stop pouring your time and energy into people who do not give it back to you. Stop explaining away their disrespectful behavior. Stop giving your love to people who do not love you back. Stop making excuses for people who are clearly not interested in you. Stop chasing people who are not choosing to love you back. Stop playing the game. Yes, dating is hard. Yes, your emotions are all over the place. Yes, rejection is painful. Yes, the sex is awesome. Yes, they are hilarious. Yes, it is nice to not be the single one in your friend group. Yes, it feels great to have someone who seems interested. Yes, it is nice to have plans this weekend or something to look forward to. Yes, there will be times when the person seems right, but the timing is wrong.

This isn’t about getting the answer that you want. It’s about getting the truth about where you stand. This isn’t a particularly emotional conversation. It’s about the facts of what is worth your time, and what is not. This is what Matthew recommended, but make it your own: I have really loved spending time with you. And I know myself, and I’m really looking for a commitment. I wanted to talk to you because I want to see if we both have the same vision for where this is going. I value my time and energy, and I don’t want to put time and energy into spending time with someone if it’s not going to go to the next level. And I’ve reached that point with you. It’s been really fun. I love spending time with you. But I only want to invest more time and energy if we’re going to go to the next level. And if you don’t see the same thing, this has been great. But I just know myself and I need to choose to invest the time that I have with people who want the same things that I want.

This is incredibly hard when it happens, because you haven’t fallen out of love. You just don’t quite fit like you used to. I said that two things are required to make a relationship go the distance: Both people want the relationship to work and are both willing to work on it to make it better. The issues that create problems do not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

If you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this breakup was bringing you one step closer to meeting them, how would you spend your nights and weekends while you are single?