The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

It’s so simple: The moment you have an instinct to act, you have to physically move within five seconds, or your brain will talk you out of it. Just start counting backward—5-4-3-2-1 and move. Take action before hesitation kicks in.

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

Why do I need to constantly force myself to move forward? Why am I so afraid of failing? Why am I so nervous about taking a risk? Why do I have a hard time asking for what I need? What exactly is in my way?

I discovered the answer for myself: It was other people. Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

When you stop managing everyone else, you’ll realize you have a lot more power than you thought—you’ve just unknowingly been giving it away.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

In Stoicism, the focus is on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not the thoughts or actions of others.

Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are.

Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us. When you say Let Them, you’re practicing emotional detachment.

True power lies in our response.

“a profound truth: choosing peace is not weakness—it is power. This idea resonates deeply with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy, and his father, Daddy King’s vision of nonviolent action.

First: Does the Let Them Theory apply to children? Yes, you can absolutely use the Let Them Theory with kids, (with some very important caveats),

Second: What if using Let Them makes you feel lonely? This is a critical point. Some people have shared that they feel lonely after using the Let Them Theory. If you’re feeling this way, it’s a sign you’re applying the theory incorrectly.

7 out of 10 people are currently living in a chronic state of stress. I used to be one of them. When you live in a state of chronic stress, you are locked in a constant state of fight or flight. Your amygdala is humming in the background, always on. Dr. Nerurkar told me that when you’re stressed, you not only feel like you’re in survival mode, but from a neurological standpoint, your brain actually is in survival mode. Your goals . . . your dreams . . . your best self . . . your ability to be patient and nonreactive . . . it all goes right out the window.

how we reset our brain back to normal functioning. She said the first step is to understand what stress actually is so that you know you have power in these situations.

You Control Your Next Move

Problem: Other people are going to do things all day that bother you, annoy you, or stress you out. It will happen. You can’t control it. When you allow someone else’s behavior to stress you out, you give other people power. That leaves you drained with no time and energy for yourself. Truth: Your body’s stress response is automatic. You will feel yourself getting annoyed. You will feel frustrated. You will feel the anger and agitation hit. You can’t control the emotions that rise up inside of you. But you can learn how to reset your stress response so your emotions don’t hijack you. Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, you protect yourself from the stress other people have been causing you. Your power is in controlling your response to the other person’s behavior, to the annoying situation, and to the emotions that you feel.

You Have Zero Control over Someone Else’s Opinion of You

Make Decisions That Make YOU Proud

Problem: You are giving other people’s opinions too much power. When you let the fear of what people might think dictate your choices, you limit your potential and hold yourself back from pursuing what you truly want. This fear causes you to procrastinate, doubt yourself, become paralyzed by perfectionism, and, most importantly, give up on your dreams. Truth: People will have negative opinions about you no matter what you do. It will happen. Let Them. You can’t control it. Allowing someone else’s opinion to distract or consume you is a waste of your time and energy. Solution: When you Let Them think what they want, it gives you the freedom to do what you want. When you align your thoughts and actions with your values, you will be proud of yourself. And when you are proud of yourself, you won’t care what anyone else thinks.