The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

First, even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought. Let Them. Second—and this is the most important point—don’t be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy. I used to be that person. It left me depleted and feeling like nothing I could do was ever good enough. Now that I know the Let Them Theory, I bend over backward to make myself happy. Let me explain. The reason to make a herculean effort, or to show up both at your friend’s birthday party and to see your grandparents, is that it makes YOU proud of yourself. Don’t go to your friend’s birthday so they think you are a good friend. Go to your friend’s birthday because it makes YOU feel like a good friend. Don’t go home to see your grandparents because it makes your mother happy. Go home to see your grandparents because it makes YOU happy to prioritize your grandparents and family. When you operate in a way that makes you proud of yourself, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

Learn how to let adults be adults and accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the best of it, and I promise you your family dynamics will get better. This acceptance allows you to see your family with compassion, and more importantly, it allows you to see yourself as an individual who has their own unique Frame of Reference and path in life. Then you move to the second part, which is Let Me. Let Me figure out what kind of relationship I want to create, based on the kind of person I want to be and the values that I have. This could mean spending time with your family not out of guilt, but because it matters to you. That might mean defining your own traditions even though it upsets your family.

“Mel, most adults are just eight-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you’re with this person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say or some way that they act, I want you to just imagine the fourth-grade version of them present in the room with you. Because what you’re describing is someone who has the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. And, like it or not, that’s most adults.”

Most people don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy way, much less communicate their needs in a direct and respectful fashion. I know I certainly didn’t.

Adults are 100 percent responsible for the emotional and physical needs of children. Children cannot give themselves the emotional and physical support that they need. It is your responsibility to help a child regulate their emotional responses in a healthy way. It is also your responsibility to teach a child that emotions are normal and how to process them.

when a child (or adult) experiences disappointment because they can’t have what they want, or sadness over a loss, that these are mentally healthy responses to life experiences. These emotions of sadness and disappointment are signs that you are mentally well.

Dr. Damour told me that is why so many people live with anxiety, depression, addiction, or chronic pain—because they have avoided all the emotions over the years that then built up inside of them without any outlet.

Let’s take the very common experience of someone in your life giving you the silent treatment. The silent treatment is what an immature adult does when they’re upset and they don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy and respectful manner. So instead, they stop talking. They pretend nothing is wrong. And often, they ignore you.

And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from a friend, a family member, or a co-worker, it’s painful, and your immediate instinct is to try to figure out what you did wrong. And that’s exactly what the person giving you the silent treatment wants—they want your attention. Just like a child pouting off in a corner wants the parent to come over and soothe them,

First, it’s never your job to manage another adult’s emotions. When someone pulls the silent treatment on you, or plays the victim, or erupts in frustration, Let Them. And then I want you to visualize an eight-year-old trapped inside their body. When you do that, something wild happens. You don’t feel scared of this person. You actually pity them. You feel compassion instead of contempt. You will also realize that their inability to process normal human emotions like sadness, insecurity, disappointment, anger, fear, and rejection is not your fault. And it’s also not your problem to solve. This has been happening to this person since they were a child. It is not your responsibility to manage their emotions or try to fix them. Your responsibility is to protect yourself from their emotional spiral and to see it for what it is: A person who has no idea how to handle or express their emotions in a healthy way. Let Them go silent. Let Them erupt. Let Them play the victim. Let Them sulk. Let Them deny that it happened. Let Them make it all about them. Then, Let Me. Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let Me remind myself that managing another person’s emotions is not my job. Let Me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening.

The more time you pour into a relationship with someone who acts like an eight-year-old, the more you’re going to feel like a parent to a child. When you recognize that you are dealing with someone who has a lot of internal work to do, you can draw healthier boundaries around the amount of time and energy you are willing to give to them. Because until this person does the work to build the skills of emotional intelligence, they will always pull the silent treatment, play the victim, or be passive aggressive. This isn’t a personality trait, it’s a pattern.

Here’s how you use the Let Them Theory to process your own emotions in a healthy way: When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them. And then, Let Me not react. Don’t reach for your phone. Don’t turn on the TV. Don’t make a drink. Don’t open the fridge. And for crying out loud, don’t text anyone. Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up. The reason why you must learn how to Let Them rise is that once they do, they also fall.