The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

But in all this time, I have never tackled the number one factor (based on research) that determines whether you and I live a healthy and happy life: relationships. That’s where the Let Them Theory comes into play.

You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

was trying to control my own discomfort. I hated feeling rejected, so my immediate reaction was to fix the situation before I had to feel anything at all.

In Stoicism, the focus is on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not the thoughts or actions of others.

When you say Let Them, you’re not giving up or walking away. You’re releasing that grip you have on how things should go and allowing them to unfold the way they will go. You’re freeing yourself.

If you’ve ever heard someone refer to the “fight, flight, or freeze response,” that’s the exact same thing as your “stress response”—meaning that when you are stressed, your amygdala is in control. This can cause rash decision-making and more impulsive behaviors.

The fact is, not every email warrants a response and not every conversation needs your participation—and you do not always have to have the last word. And as the famous saying goes: Your silence can’t be misquoted.

Dr. Nerurkar confirmed, “The Let Them Theory is like a sigh of relief for your stressed brain. It helps you reclaim control over your anxious thoughts so that your brain and body can finally get out of survival mode and back to thriving.”

Whether their opinions are right or not is not the point. It’s how you relate to their opinions that matters.

when a child (or adult) experiences disappointment because they can’t have what they want, or sadness over a loss, that these are mentally healthy responses to life experiences. These emotions of sadness and disappointment are signs that you are mentally well.

But here’s the thing, you’re not avoiding confrontation—you’re avoiding someone else’s emotions. The only conflict is the conflict you’re going to feel internally about how your decisions are going to impact other people emotionally and how they’re going to react.

Psychologists will tell you that the root cause of many disorders is an obsessive need for control.

Adults only change when they feel like changing. Human beings have a hardwired survival instinct to be in control of every aspect of their life. Anytime someone feels like they are being forced to do something, they will fight back—and you will find yourself locked in a battle for control. What human beings want is to feel acceptance and love. They need to be in control of their own thoughts, actions, and decisions. Your power is in your influence.

Allowing other adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions is one of the most important steps of healing.

“If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

What I have noticed with couples is that the longer you are together, the more you want your partner to be like you. That’s not fair. So be honest with yourself. Do you want them to be just like you, or is it that one of your fundamental needs in the relationship is not being met? This is very important because based on the laws of human nature you should assume the person is never going to change.

That brings me back to the two things that are required to make a long-term relationship work: Both people want the relationship to work and are both willing to work on it to make it better. The issues that create problems do not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. This isn’t a cliché; it’s a reality. So, what kind of relationship do you want to have with yourself? I’m not going to tell you to go love yourself in some superficial way. But I am going to tell you that you have a choice—a choice to prioritize your needs, your desires, and your happiness.

Why would you ever entrust something as precious as your confidence, your peace of mind, your happiness, and your dreams to the whims and moods of the people around you?