The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

All human beings have a hardwired need for control.

We all have an innate desire to control everything about our lives: our time, our thoughts, our actions, our environment, our plans, our future, our decisions, and our surroundings. Feeling in control makes you feel comfortable and safe, so naturally you try to control everyone and everything around you—oftentimes, without even realizing it.

be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

What change would you make if you weren’t worried about being judged? What is something that you are afraid to admit that you want? What belief are you nervous to be more vocal about? What have you been too scared to try because you have never done it before? What challenge or race or adventure have you been secretly yearning to do? What do you wish would happen at work but you are too afraid to ask? What conversation have you been avoiding? What picture have you been waiting to post?

Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole.

When you let the fear of what people might think dictate your choices, you limit your potential and hold yourself back from pursuing what you truly want. It’s the reason you procrastinate, doubt yourself, get paralyzed by perfectionism, and, most importantly, it’s why you wake up every day and avoid the work that would actually help you get ahead.

The more you use the Let Them Theory, the more you’ll realize that, underneath this fear, your soul has been nudging you all along in the direction that is meant for you.

You get one wild and precious life, so go live it in a way that makes you proud.

Other people’s emotional reactions are not your responsibility to manage.

grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about our feelings. People tended to just erupt in anger when they got overwhelmed and then pretend nothing had happened. Which is why I always erupted in anger and frustration when my kids got upset. I was just repeating the same dynamic I experienced in my own childhood.

Then, Let Me. Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let Me remind myself that managing another person’s emotions is not my job. Let Me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening.

Let Them will help you be flexible, be compassionate, and allow people to come and go. Let Me will remind you to stop sitting around expecting invitations, or assuming ill intent. It will motivate you to take the lead on reaching out to old friends, and put yourself out there to create new ones.

Of course it failed because pushing someone just makes them push back.

The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing.

The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn’t mean solving their problems for them—it means giving them the space, support, and tools to do it themselves.

That’s why you need to let the people that you love face reality, not help them run from it.

No one asked me, “What help do you need?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to do the laundry?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to drop off dinner tonight?” They just did it. And that is an important note about people who are struggling.

Let Them doesn’t mean leave them alone.

You never know what someone else is going through. You get to choose what kind of friend, loved one, or family member you get to be.

Believe in their ability to heal, and create an environment where change is possible.

Finding love is more about saying no than it is about saying yes. When you have high standards for yourself and the kind of relationship you want, dating becomes a process of elimination.

You weren’t put on the earth to be somebody’s wife or husband. You are here to fulfill your dreams, share your story, and create a big, beautiful, amazing life.

Let Me respect myself enough to admit that this is going nowhere.

Let Me remind myself that I don’t want to be dating someone who is not choosing me

Let Me trust this is another step in the direction of choosing the love I deserve. Let Me stop chasing the potential of this and see the reality. Let Me believe that I just took one step closer to the right person. Let Me take my power back, because the love of my life is right around the corner.

A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

Both people want the relationship to work and are both willing to work on it to make it better. The issues that create problems do not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research says that if you are constantly fighting about the same stuff and going around and around, it’s probably because of a profound difference between your and your partner’s personalities and your deepest hopes and dreams.

There is no difference between you and the people you see achieving extraordinary things. They aren’t special. But there’s one thing for sure they’ve figured out: They don’t let the world around them derail their dreams. They’ve learned to navigate the sky, to accept the weather as it comes, and to keep moving toward their goals no matter what.