The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

Once you start moving, it’s way easier to keep going.

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

focus on your own life. You stop reacting and start living.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

the more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets.

It’s easy to get yourself so stressed out about life that you forget the entire point is to live it.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

All human beings have a hardwired need for control.

Feeling in control makes you feel comfortable and safe, so naturally you try to control everyone and everything around you—oftentimes, without even realizing it.

But the fact is, there is one thing you will never be able to control. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

When you say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next.

we always have the power to decide what energy we feed, what battles we fight, and how we create change.

All it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire system can change for the better. And that person is you.

One of the things that I have determined for myself is that it is important for me to have a close relationship with my family. And wasting my time and energy allowing them to stress me out or trying to control situations that are beyond my control is a waste of time. Because the truth is this: You have limited time with your loved ones. At

Them. Let your parents be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn’t a fairy tale. They are doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have. Now you get to choose what happens moving forward.

I’m not saying this to justify anything bad that happens. I’m not saying that you don’t deserve better. Everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and loved, particularly by their family. But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. If they haven’t done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve.

Accepting the reality of your situation doesn’t mean you’re surrendering to it. Instead, it’s about reclaiming your power to shape your future. Learn how to let adults be adults and accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the best of it, and I promise you your family dynamics will get better.

This could mean spending time with your family not out of guilt, but because it matters to you. That might mean defining your own traditions even though it upsets your family. That might mean being the one who always makes the effort even when it is not returned. It might mean saying “I love you” or “I understand” or “I forgive you” for the first time.

The Let Them Theory teaches you how to stop giving other people’s opinions power over your life, and it empowers you to live your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself.

You can’t let your emotions drive your decisions, because they will often stop you from making the right decisions.

It’s not your job to protect everybody else from feeling emotions. Your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned with your values and what you know deep down is true for you.

Make the right decisions for you, even if they make other people upset.

The fact is, every human being is dealt a different hand in life and you can’t control the cards that someone else is holding. The more time you spend staring at someone else, the more you miss the entire point of the game.

Flip your jealousy to inspiration.

In life, if you’re not motivated to do something, it’s going to take something painful to force you to change.

Let adults be adults, and let your influence inspire them to change.

When people are struggling, they have a lot of shame and are often in denial about it. They already feel like a burden and often tell themselves they are letting everyone down. Which is why people often don’t ask for help or open up about what is going on.

Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing. The

Allowing other adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions is one of the most important steps of healing.

Look at people’s struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths.

And if you always swoop in and rescue someone, they will start expecting you to do it when life gets hard.

facing the hard and scary things in life with you by their side, you teach them that they are capable of doing things that are way beyond what they see for themselves. Stop rescuing people from their problems and start acting as if you believe in their ability to face them. Your actions are the loudest and truest form of communication. So

The money is not a gift. And unconditional love does not mean unconditional financial support. Often unconditional love means withdrawing financial support. This is very hard, especially for parents of adult children who are struggling, and it’s often the very last lever that is pulled.

Money without condition is enabling.

by refusing to loan him money, he was saying, “I believe in your ability to figure this out.”

That’s why you need to let the people that you love face reality, not help them run from it. It’s your job to love them, and believe in their ability to do the work, and support

No one asked me, “What help do you need?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to do the laundry?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to drop off dinner tonight?” They just did it. And that is an important note about people who are struggling. Let Them doesn’t mean leave them alone.

When you are struggling, you don’t know what you want or what you need.

When you’re struggling, you don’t want to burden anyone else, because you already feel like a burden. That’s how I felt. So, Let Me create . . . the environment they need to get better.

You decide if a comment from a loved one destroys your self-esteem or rolls off your back. You decide if all the bad dates you’ve been on cause you to lower your standards or become even more discerning. You decide if someone else’s success makes you quit or inspires you to work even harder. It’s that simple. You have the power.

They are laser focused on waking up every day and proving, over and over through their actions, that they are worthy and deserving of the vision they have for their life.

The most important part of the Let Them Theory is understanding that you are responsible for your own happiness. You are responsible for the energy you bring and how you show up. You are responsible for waking up every day and doing the work to make progress on what matters. You are responsible for defining what matters to you. You are responsible for telling the truth even when it’s really hard. You are responsible for paying for your life. Nobody owes you anything, but you owe yourself everything.