Until You (Until #1)

by Briar Prescott

Blake smiles with his whole body. It’s not just tilting the corners of his lips for him. It encompasses his whole being. I bet even his soul is smiling.

I don’t know how to trust people. I don’t know how I’m supposed to hand over the keys to all the places I’ve locked up inside me. Here. Take them. Do what you will. I know you won’t screw me over. Because you’re a safe place.

And I want to keep him laughing because for some unfathomable reason, his laughs make me lighter.

Nothing about this should look attractive, but somehow it still is. Probably because he’s so unapologetically himself, and that seems to really do it for me.

And with silence comes loneliness.

It hits me viciously, like I’ve driven into a concrete wall. I’m alone.

Like he’s so in tune with me that he understands I just want to be quiet, but have somebody fill the silence.

Sharing is infinitely more disgusting than people make it out to be, and so far, I gotta say, I’m not a fan.

That you never get to say goodbye to most people. They’re there, and then they’re gone, and nobody cares that you’re left behind with all those words you never got to say that are now trapped inside you for good.”

“You’re pulling me in like quicksand.”

I’ve built a wall around me. Sturdy layers of bricks, one after another, year after year. It’s safe here, hiding from the world and the people in it. Nobody can hurt you if you won’t let them close enough. But you’re also never fully alive behind the wall. You exist, safe in your own bubble, and you think it’s enough. But what if it isn’t?

“What were you doing?” I ask. “Rearranging the furniture for better sex feng shui?” “I hid your shoes,” he says and starts to kiss me, but I rear back. “What the fuck?” “I hid your shoes,” he repeats patiently and tries to kiss me again. “Why?” “If you don’t have your shoes, you can’t run out on me in the middle of the night,” he says.

Attraction is a scary thing. It can so easily grow out of control. You can so easily find that you’ve gone too far and there’s no way back. That you’re in too deep, and there’s no way out.

When I look up, there’s so much naked emotion on his face that for a moment it’s hard to breathe. My chest tightens and my heart hammers, and it’s scary as fuck but… It’s worth the risk. If it means I get to keep Blake, it’s worth the risk.

“Blake?” I murmur softly. “Hmm?” he mumbles against my neck. “Remember how you said you weren’t really the dating type?” He lifts his head and studies me curiously before he nods. “Well, I was wondering,” I say. “If, maybe… you’d make an exception for me?”

“You already are my every exception.”

You’re finally here! I’ve been waiting for you. Just you. Nobody else fits, but you do.

“You’re enough,” he says very quietly. “Just you.”

There’s freedom in it when you’re allowed to be a mess in front of somebody you trust and you know they won’t think less of you because of it.

Here’s a person who just fits. He’ll seamlessly slot into your life. All his corners match yours. You click. It’s easy. So, fucking easy. It just makes sense. And maybe it’s stupid, but it feels inevitable. Of course you were supposed to meet him. How could you have not? After all, he’s yours. Simple as that.

He made me love him. He turned himself into my home. Now he’s gone. And I’m homeless.

“Do you know what the worst part about being happy is?” He shakes his head. “When it ends. When you’re left with nothing. I’ve had nothing twice now. I don’t think I can do it a third time.”

I can live without you. I just choose not to. And I’m terrified as fuck, still, by the way. But… I also love you more than I’m afraid.”

“I don’t want that. That’s their love. Their version. I want yours. I want you to love me just the way you love me. Just make it forever. That’s all I need.”