Passion Project

by London Sperry

I’m surprised that instead of my reflection, I see a white brick wall with the word Bellissima! written across it in black paint—the subtext of this message being Don’t worry about what you look like! Go out! Enjoy life! Don’t be vain! It’s like those terrible coffee shops that don’t have Wi-Fi because they want you to talk to other people instead of looking at your devices. Torture. With no mirror in sight, I roll my eyes and open the camera app on my phone. Bellissima, my ass.

I cringe. I cannot afford this. I spent most of my food money last night.

why in the hell are you at trader joe's if you're broke

“My dead ex-boyfriend.”

ex because he's dead or because you broke up with him before he died

“Marry Han, kill Luke, fuck none of them because I’m not a nerd.”

excuse me, finn is obviously marriage material

“I didn’t tell her I was setting you up until after,” Sonya says. “Figured you’d want to keep it private. Then when I showed Jamie his picture she told me she knew him. I didn’t think you were going to see him again, so why bother bringing it up, you know?”

they totally orchestrated this whole thing and that is going to hurt in the future

“We all have a lot going on, Bennet, and I’m done pretending you’re not hurting my feelings. Jamie tells me to give you a pass because you’re going through a tough time, but it’s not an excuse anymore. Just because you keep everything locked up in a cage doesn’t mean the rest of us have to. Just because you think you’re all alone doesn’t mean you are. People care about you. People want to care about you. Stop pretending we’re the enemy. It’s really tiring.”

ok y'know what fuck you. there's a big difference between work stress and depression triggered by your boyfriend dying

I know you think you’re some black hole of sadness and you hate your job, but having your shit together is not a prerequisite for love.”

After my rooftop conversation with Sonya and Jamie, I realized that I needed to really push myself. Really take a leap of faith. So I thought of the scariest things I could imagine: bear attacks, Henry, scaling a skyscraper, Henry, drowning, Henry. The only scary thing that I could actually, feasibly do was scale the side of a skyscraper, so I booked an appointment.

you couldn't have gone for a dunk tank? or search and rescue training?

“Your fear was talking to people. Mine is falling to my death from the top of a skyscraper.”

now imagine having both

“Yeah, the depressed girl and her lesbian roommate definitely have condoms lying around everywhere.”

hey they can also be used to cover toys and cut into mouth shields--which people should use but never do

I know I want to be happy. I know that deep down, every fiber of my being wants to experience good things again, wants to love again. And yet. And yet there’s something stopping me from giving in to it all. Something messed up in my brain chemistry that focuses on the hurt and the pain. As if I don’t deserve to live any other way.

have you considered therapy

Plus one is just a friend.

this is going to backfire so hard

How will I explain the two hotel rooms to Henry? If I tell him I lied to Andy and told her we’re just friends, it will hurt him. If I tell Andy I lied to her and Henry is really my boyfriend, it will hurt her. I’m trying to salvage this relationship, not set it on fire.

if you tell henry you panicked he'll be hurt but supportive. frankly if you tell andy you panicked she'll probably be fine. no one expects you to be single forever

“So in our version, Bingley and Darcy get together?” He shrugs. “I think that would make a lot of fan-fiction writers very happy,” he says.

i mean. true.