Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea: A Novel

by Jessica Guerrieri

The time I’m allotted to act in one role is finite. Wife, then mother—without any guaranteed scraps left over for myself. The need to be everything to everyone is relentless.

There’s a neediness surrounding toddlers that I recognize in myself. We can’t both want at the same time, or me ever, really, whenever it’s only us two. I believe this is the rationale behind their giant eyes and mousy voices—cuteness designed to swell the heart. An evolutionary trick to keep us from abandoning them at fire stations after hour-long tantrums over accidentally peeling their banana.

beach day with everyone places all the burden of work squarely on my shoulders. The chaos and the cleanup are rarely worth the price of admission.

Most days I feel continually blindsided by my family’s vortex of need.

Of course, dads can surf every day because somehow the family, work, and pleasure balancing act never seems to apply to them in the same way it does to moms.