The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More

by Jefferson Fisher

What triggers you teaches you—if you’re willing to learn. Inside every argument is an ignition phase and a cooling phase. The ignition phase engages the signs of fight-or-flight, like saying something to hurt someone or abruptly leaving the room. The cooling phase begins when the temperature of the conflict lowers, like reaching understanding or adding distance between you and the other person. There are two main triggers to know: physical and psychological. These triggers arrive through actual or perceived threats to your body that activate ignition. Understanding what triggers are unique to you informs you which areas to work on and which areas to avoid. When you reverse engineer your own triggers, you’ll become more skilled at identifying the triggers of others. You’ll begin to hear someone’s raised voice not as an attack but as a plea to remove the threat. If you want to put out their fire, find their trigger.