The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More

by Jefferson Fisher

Anytime someone takes a level one conversation and jumps it up to level ten, it’s telling. And what it tells you is that there’s another conversation happening inside that person’s head that you weren’t invited to. Something hidden has taken over their filter and is now driving their reactions. You’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Winning an argument is a losing game. Winning means that you’ve likely lost something far more valuable—their trust, their respect, or worse, the connection. The only reward you’ve won is their contempt.

The fastest way to lose your peace of mind is to give someone a piece of yours. Beating out someone in an argument may feed your ego, but it’ll still leave you hungry. Rarely, if ever, does winning in communication lead to better things in your life.

Stop seeing arguments as something to win but as an opportunity to understand the person behind the words. Stop hearing only what’s said and start hearing what’s felt.

More than you realize, the mere presence of conflicting opinions or arguments can activate your fight-or-flight mode. To protect you, your body orchestrates hundreds of unseen changes in seconds that result in a biological response geared toward emotion-driven, rather than logic-driven, behavior. And through that suppression of coherent thinking, your emotions manifest themselves in familiar ways: a defensive comment, a snide comeback, an angry shout, a slammed door, a loud sigh, tears of frustration.