The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More

by Jefferson Fisher

Your defensiveness, while a natural mechanism designed to protect you, often does more harm than good. By putting up walls, two things happen: You prevent others from understanding you. You shut yourself off from understanding them. And here’s the problem. You accept the consequences of number two, but dismiss the consequences of number one. Meaning you drop all expectations of yourself, and at the same time maintain all the expectations of the other person. You still expect them to understand you. You still expect them to cater to your feelings. It’s like locking your door and then getting upset that the other person hasn’t come inside yet. I’m sure you’ve heard yourself or someone say, “They should know.” They should know I’m upset. They should know how that would affect me. These are the same people who, when the shoe is on the other foot, shout, “I can’t read your mind!” Don’t convince yourself that this cycle is a symptom of one person. Everyone does it. When you’re a pedestrian crossing the street, you think, “These cars can wait on me. I’m the pedestrian. Can’t they see that I’m walking?” But when you’re a driver stopped at an intersection, you think, “Look at all these pedestrians…just walking around like they own the place. I think this guy is walking slower on purpose. Can’t they see that I’m driving?” This shift in perspective illustrates how quickly you allow your sympathies to adjust, yet you expect the sympathies of those around you to remain fixed. From a te...