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Anytime someone takes a level one conversation and jumps it up to level ten, it’s telling. And what it tells you is that there’s another conversation happening inside that person’s head that you weren’t invited to. Something hidden has taken over their filter and is now driving their reactions. You’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Winning an argument is a losing game. Winning means that you’ve likely lost something far more valuable—their trust, their respect, or worse, the connection. The only reward you’ve won is their contempt.
The fastest way to lose your peace of mind is to give someone a piece of yours. Beating out someone in an argument may feed your ego, but it’ll still leave you hungry. Rarely, if ever, does winning in communication lead to better things in your life. That’s why I care enough about you to tell you the truth: Never win an argument.
Whether it’s an argument, a heated discussion, or slight friction in conversation, your goal isn’t to “win.” It’s to unravel. Start at the loose ends until you understand the heart of the matter. There you’ll find the knot.
Stop seeing arguments as something to win but as an opportunity to understand the person behind the words. Stop hearing only what’s said and start hearing what’s felt. Build the discipline to connect to the person in front of you. Embrace the failures to communicate and learn from them. Reach success by using each misstep as a stepping-stone, and make room for more positive and real in your life—like a bear hug from a man who until recently wanted to shot-put you.
Turning your conflicts into connections paves the way for a more fulfilling, meaningful life.
The only thing guaranteed in communication is that you’re bound to say the wrong thing.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay wrong. That’s why your next conversation often matters more than your first.
Entering a difficult conversation without a plan and simply hoping for a perfect outcome solely in your favor is a sure way to end up disappointed. Intentionally approaching a difficult conversation with clear, realistic goals is how to create real change. Emphasis on realistic. Compare these pie-in-the-sky goals with those that are actually within reach: Unrealistic goals: Hoping for an immediate apology and an admission of “You were right” Expecting them to accept your opinion without question Believing one conversation will cure all other underlying relationship problems Assuming the
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This sounds like: “Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way.” Your response: “Don’t apologize for my feelings, apologize for what you did.”
Your defensiveness, while a natural mechanism designed to protect you, often does more harm than good. By putting up walls, two things happen: You prevent others from understanding you. You shut yourself off from understanding them. And here’s the problem. You accept the consequences of number two, but dismiss the consequences of number one. Meaning you drop all expectations of yourself, and at the same time maintain all the expectations of the other person. You still expect them to understand you. You still expect them to cater to your feelings. It’s like locking your door and then getting
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Whereas taking things personally results in self-fulfilling negativity, giving grace results in self-fulfilling positivity.
