You're So Dead to Me (Grimdale Graveyard Mysteries, #1)
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Read between February 23 - February 24, 2024
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“I said that our Bree wouldn’t be caught dead singing Hey Nonny Nonny. You obviously became a harlot,” Lottie pipes up, looking over my outfit with a nod of approval. “You do have the kind of ankles that would make men weep.”
Kayleigh Greer
😂😂
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“I hope you steered well clear of France,” Agnes says with a sniff. “French people live there.”
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“Oooh, I’ve heard of Australia!” Lottie rubs her hands together in excitement. “Mrs. Doolhan says her son went there for something called surfing. Did you do a surfing? Did you hug a koala bear?”
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“Did you have to disguise yourself as a boy to escape from pirates?” Mary sounds concerned. “Is that why you’re wearing those clothes?”
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and sleep with hot AF foreign men.
Kayleigh Greer
Who says AF?
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“Invoke Satan!” Agnes pipes up. “That always sends them running.”
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“By Saturn’s hairy scrotum, if you are accusing me of scaring the cats again, I did not. It’s not my fault they can’t appreciate the scent of real Roman flatulence—”
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I’m horny. Concupiscent. Downright lustful and randy. No, those words are too crass, too primal for the sensations that assail my ghostly being. There’s a bald friar in my britches, certainly, eager to make his prayers at the altar between her thighs. But my dry throat and trembling hands suggest something more…especially since I don’t actually possess a throat.
Kayleigh Greer
LOL that's not less crass 😂
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Pax sits with Mike and Sylvie every evening to watch the Great British Bake Off, and no one bats an eyelid when he starts yelling about Deborah using Howard’s custard instead of her own.
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and I spend my days watching the guests shower and fuck, and sniffing the liquor bottles until I feel the shadow of a buzz.
Kayleigh Greer
Jesus Christ, Edward!
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Pax storming through everything, swinging his sword about and demanding I make him his favorite meal of spaghetti and meatballs so he can sniff it.
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Edward’s doomed to spend eternity with his white shirt hanging open, his codpiece crooked from the fall, and a large piece of glass sticking out of his posterior.
Kayleigh Greer
Oop 👀
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I much prefer Pax’s company on an outing. Pax loves explaining every detail and learning about what’s changed in the world since he bought his one-way ticket on the Charon express. But unfortunately, Pax can’t join us on our covert mission, because we must stay hidden, and our Roman friend’s booming voice and sizable shoulders are anything but subtle.
Kayleigh Greer
I fucking LOVE Pax 😻
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For some reason that we don’t understand but attribute to ‘ghost mojo,’ my cane accompanied me into the afterlife. Pax, also, still carries his sword. Although my hands will not connect with objects, the tip of my cane will, and so I navigate the house the same way I did in life – by sweeping and tapping. This produces sounds that are audible to Livings, but they put it down to knocking in the pipes or the house ‘settling.’ I also have a more attuned sense of touch than the other ghosts – while Edward and Pax fall through any object without feeling it, I can sense the edges of things with my ...more
Kayleigh Greer
What a cool concept!
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Bree still smells exactly the way I remember her – like a warm, crackling fire on a stormy night, like a pear and almond tart and mulled wine straight from the pot, like comfort and home and the juiciest parts of a good book.
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If she’s upset, she’ll leave us again. I don’t want her to leave again. The last seven years without her have been the most awful in my entire afterlife, and that includes the fifty-eight years after my death when the Druids used the battlefield for their sacred rituals and I saw enough naked Druid butts to give me nightmares for eternity.
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“By Jupitor’s Thorny Nutsack,” I swear my nightly ritual. “I will always protect you.”
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I step around a stack of stringed instruments called ‘guitars.’ Mike was using this room as a music studio. He plays the drums, which I approve of – nice rhythm to keep step while on the march! He hasn’t touched his guitars in a couple of years, a fact for which I’m eternally grateful. Sleep comes much easier now that he’s no longer trying to master a song called “Stairway to Heaven,’ which reminds me too keenly of the ghastly, discordant music enjoyed by naked Druids.
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A soldier always follows orders. I have a duty to my Bree. No monster will get through my guard. I will always watch over her.
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I grip the hilt of my sword. My actual sword. I ignore my verpa’s demands.
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She’s working in Grimdale Graveyard as a tourist guide.” “That sounds made up! Why would people pay to visit a field of dusty bones?”
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A shudder runs through my body. Sometimes, during those dark days after Bree told us to leave her alone, I wished that my bones would be found – exposed by a rainstorm or dug up by someone’s dog, so maybe some Living would take pity on a Roman soldier who died far from his home and give me a proper burial so I could finally cross over and join my brothers in Hades.
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And I’m going to protect her now. She is sad, and I don’t know why. She needs comfort! I give the best comfort! Everyone I threaten with my sword says so!
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“I’m nearly done with the tour,” I tell him. “You stick with me and I promise when I’m done I’ll get you home to Maggie.” “Who’s she talking to?” the wife turns to her husband. “Is Maggie some famous dead person?”
Kayleigh Greer
Oh no. 😥
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“If a murderer is loose, you must go home immediately. As your prince, I order you to go straight to your bedroom, lock the doors, put on a really skimpy nightdress, and await my next instructions.”
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“Oooh, those are sexy AF.”
Kayleigh Greer
Again who says AF 😂
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All my teachers and his friends would tell him I was morbid and lived in a fantasy world and needed to see a professional, but Dad always defended me. Having an imagination isn’t a crime, he’d tell them proudly. Bree has more fun with her pretend friends than most of us have with our real ones.
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“It’s…nothing,” I sob. It’s everything. “If it was nothing, then you wouldn’t be crying,” Pax says triumphantly. “I have won this battle of wits, therefore you must tell us who has hurt you so I can feed them to the starving lion.”
Kayleigh Greer
What starving lion 😂😂😂😂
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It’s hard to get people to swallow belladonna because it has a horrible bitter taste. She thinks the poison might have entered his system in another way, but she didn’t say how.”
Kayleigh Greer
Maybe it was accidental. put in the arthritis salve 😥
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I sit down beside Agnes and Walpurgis, while Ambrose wanders obliviously into the pond.
Kayleigh Greer
Does he not have his cane?
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Pax beams. “The Great British Bake Off is the kind of battle that poets sing about, except instead of wooden horses and cutting off the heads of enemies, there’s buttercream and finger sandwiches. Will there be finger sandwiches at the fete? By Jupiter’s hairy butthole, I’d love to try a finger sandwich. Who knew fingers could look so appealing?”
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My cheeks burn. I hate that Dani’s upset. “I’m sorry, friend. I didn’t mean for your date to get an extra dose of crazy.
Kayleigh Greer
Dani should have warmed Jer about her date being Alice considering she knows their history first hand!
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Edward wrinkles his nose as he scans the poetry shelf. “They do not have my poetry book. I want to leave. I’m bored. This place is dusty. Your prince demands ice cream. Why are there so many books?”
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Pax glares at the shelf and draws out his sword. “Stupid books, none of you are as good as our friend Ambrose.”
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We enter the shop behind her. I gag as my lungs fill with musky incense. Pax takes in a deep lungful, his eyes sparkling with nostalgia. “Mmmm, smells like burning villages in here.”
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She shoves the candle into my hands. It smells of lavender and cherry.
Kayleigh Greer
That's a gross combination
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“I’m fine,” I lie. “I have something in my eye.” “You do,” he nods in agreement. “You have sadness. But I will find a way to make it better.”
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I saw her on her phone this morning, watching an advertisement for a new Benedict Cummerbund movie. He’s an actor that she likes. Normally, I wouldn’t approve of Brianna consorting with actors, but if he is inside the moving picture machine and one of us is with her, he can’t corrupt her…”
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At one point, Benedict’s character gets into a bar fight, and Pax leaps to his feet and starts swinging punches at the air. “That’s what you get for messing with Buffalo Crumperbunts!” “His name is Benedict Cumberbatch,” I say. Pax’s smile grows wide with mischief. “Bumblesnuff Crimpysnitch.” “You’re ridiculous.”
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“Why doesn’t Bonkyhort Cuttlefish simply pull out his sword and run the fiend through?” “It’s Benedict Cumberbatch. And he doesn’t have a sword because not everyone solves their problems with stabbing.”
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“I know we’re not here to watch the film.” “I’m here to watch the film.” “Please, Brianna. I am not clueless. This flat theatre is where modern people go to revel in lascivious acts.”
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“Okay, here’s a reason: you’re a ghost and I’m a Living. We’re not even supposed to talk to each other, so what’s going to happen if we kiss? It could blow a hole in the universe.” “That won’t happen, because I am the universe and I don’t blow anything until a lady has had at least three orgasms.” Edward inclines his head toward his crotch.
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Fine. I straighten my back, dust off my skirt, and start back toward the bus. No more Mina or visits to Nevermore Bookshop. I’ve done what I set out to do.
Kayleigh Greer
BUT THE RAVEN KNOWS THINGS!! DONT YOU WANT TO FIND OUT MORE??!
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“Why are you talking to the bird?” Pax huffs. “Don’t believe a word he says. Birds are dicks.
Kayleigh Greer
Here here! 😂
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“This is my favorite part of sex,” he whispers into my ear. “This is the part I’ve missed the most. The cuddling. I’m so happy that I get to cuddle with you.”
Kayleigh Greer
Yup, Pax is my favorite😻