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“I love you–I have only ever loved him and you. I thought this would make me right–better. I thought I could save myself with you.”
They both cried while holding each other. He was sinking and like any drowning victim–he was killing her unintentionally. The truth was plain to see. She couldn’t save him, and she deserved better.
It was losing Mike that made him give up the notion of a mother’s unconditional love.
He had only two people who loved him; and in his attempt to please a family that ignored him, he lost both Vicki and Mike.
“I will never judge you.” Jack offered those words along with constant eye contact. “I am attracted to both men and women. I have only been with men though.”
“I was hanging out in an underground speakeasy last summer. The place got raided, the police whipped up on me. Alex, Michael, and Joe came to the precinct and got me out.” Jack’s tone was bitter and yet he couldn’t stifle those emotions. “It was a place where homosexuals gather. I didn’t want you to see the scars.” Lamont turned in the doorway, his words emotional. “I will never judge you.”
Jack cupped Lamont’s face, kissing him deeply before pulling back. His voice was thick when he whispered, “No Baby… I only wanna hear about you and what you need.”
“Step away from the shame for one night… forgive yourself for one night. Tell me what you needin’ right now–at this moment.” “I want you inside me.” Lamont grunted on a ragged breath. “Can you–” “I can be whatever you need.”
“I need something from you tonight.” “I’m listening, Jack.” “Don’t look away when speaking to me and don’t look away when I fuck you.”
“I wanna fuck you again, baby. This can’t be it for us.” “Ahhh shit… Jack.”
Lamont noted that Jack’s expression was serious, so he replied in kind, “I don’t get my honey where I get my money.”
“Naw man, I need this–need you. I want your friendship.” “You got it–wit’ no judgment,” Jack replied.
“Are you always this easy to be around?” Jack grinned. “I know a few folks that might disagree with you.” “Like who?” “Let’s just say you bring out the best in me and leave it at that,” Jack answered.
whispered, “Vicki, you confuse me.” “How in the fuck have I confused you, Lamont?” She laughed, but there was no humor. Her husband flinched at her use of profanity.
“Have you been intimate with Jack?” “Yes.” Vicki stepped forward slapping her husband’s face; the sound cracking like the switches her grandpa used to pull from the trees in the backyard. All at once silence blanketed the three of them and whether she wanted to admit it or not, Jack was part of their situation. Lamont dropped his gaze, but his next assertion cut.
“I’m offering you the real me, Vicki… please.”
His mother knew he was homosexual which could be an issue all by itself, and she was afraid to bring a man into their home that might abuse her children.
“Sometimes who you fall in love with can go against your sexual inclinations. Love is bigger than the act.”
was without thought that Jack placed the paper cup he was holding on the counter that divided the dining room from the kitchen and opened his arms. Lamont’s steps were desperate as he rushed across the kitchen. Their bodies and emotions collided causing Jack to take a step back before righting himself. He wrapped his arms around Lamont feeling the tremble of his lean and taller frame. As the other man shook, Jack caressed the back of his head and nape.
This situation was going to leave him worse off than the rejection he suffered with Alexander. Still, he kissed Lamont’s cheek and rubbed his back.
“I can’t never regret you, Jack.”
Felix smiled and shook his head. “We still need to go out. Look like yo’ ass needs more than a beer.”
“I am not asking to be fucked, Jack. What I want is to not feel alone.”
“Can you accept Vicki… fully?” Jack kissed his nape, then murmured, “I want to keep all three of you. I understand that it ain’t that simple… that it ain’t just your choice.”
“I can commit to you and Vicki, but can you commit to both of us?” Lamont asked, then went on, “I have only been with you and Mike, and my wife of course. This can’t be no free for all, she wouldn’t survive that… I wouldn’t survive that. I don’t want my choices and needs to break her; my wife has been through enough.”
“If we don’t work out, you can’t have my wife.”
“I can’t choose you for her Jack, but Vicki can choose you for both me and her.”
“You didn’t want to knock up some poor woman–like Lamont did me.” Jack reached out and cupped her face. He stared her right in the eyes when he said, “When you ask me a question, don’t assume my answer is about you. You are in a family way with your husband–a man who wants and loves you.” “My husband wants you,” she whispered. “Sometimes Sweetheart more than one thing can be true.”
“Jack?” “Yes, Sweetheart?” “Are you here because the only way I can have my husband is if I share him with you?”
“I’m here because I care for Lamont–that’s a given. I’m also here because I care for you and because it matters to me what you think.” “Oh.”
“Do you love Jack?” “We haven’t gotten to that–but I do feel deeply for him. I like who I am when I’m with him.” “Who are you when you are with Jack?” “I am a homosexual man that enjoys the company of another man–I also love my wife. I am not attracted to other women just you.”
“In the morning, we should go pack up her shit and bring her home. We don’t know a damn thing about women, and it shows. She needs to feel wanted and leaving her there is making her think we have a separate life that doesn’t include her.”
Lamont started yellin’, “I didn’t want her to go there!” “I know, Baby.” Jack chuckled. “This ain’t funny. I don’t know nothing about women. I’m going to lose her and my child to a man who does.”
“She will come. We both have to put her first, our shit has to be secondary for now.” Lamont didn’t miss the slight catch in Jack’s voice. “It ain’t nothing second about you man. I just need to make sure my wife is all right.”
“I ain’t never been on top,” Lamont said cutting him off. Jack leaned his head to one side and stared at him before raising his eyes to the ceiling. “Quit it.” “Quit what?” “Quit sizing up me and Mike together in yo’ head.”
“Oh my.” Jack’s voice was shaky when he explained, “You look beautiful, I can’t help it. I’m trying to calm down. I can lay flat again if you want me to.” “No… I want you to stay.”
His wife looked him in the eyes and asked, “Does this mean we are all together?" “Yes,” he and Jack answered in unison.
Whenever she got upset about their circumstance, she would just ask herself if she loved Lamont. The answer was always “yes”.
“I’ve been avoiding you because I want to make love to you. I don’t want to scare you off, Vicki. I’m afraid you’ll leave us.”
Jack opened his mouth, but Lamont cut him off and answered instead. The Southern accent that rolled off his tongue was thick and aggressive. “I’m sho’ I speaks for Jack when I say–he in enough trouble. Jack can’t handle no mo’ shit.”
“You want intimacy with Jack, but you don’t want me to see,” she said, going straight to the heart of the matter. Her husband looked away. “I don’t want you to think I’m a woman.”
Lamont just stared at her; she could feel time slipping by. His words were measured. “I’m not the best lover. I know that you put up with my clumsy fumbling.” “Ohhh Monte, I love you so much. Your clumsy fumbling is so fuckin’ genuine.” His eyes widened. “Victoria…” She laughed. “Me and my sister always cussed like sailors. I just hid it from you.”
“Monte needs to be intimate with you, but he’s worried about me.” “Does it upset you that he needs a rougher touch?”
“You already set the rules for me,” Jack said, and he was smiling. “I think I’m ‘bout to hear them again–right?” “You ain’t allowed to fuck other men.”
Vicki was seated on the edge of the bed, dressed in a blue nightgown. There was no missing her loveliness or the confusion that marred her brow. Jack let her see the black rubber plug before he folded the towel over again. “Sex between men takes some preparing.”
“So, you wanna learn?” “Yes, Jack.”
His form was well-defined, and though he was shorter than Monte, in her eyes Jack was a big man. It was his disposition, his maleness, and his ability to teach her about life.
“What is it–have you both decided that you don’t want a woman?” Vicki was mad and afraid. Jack’s tone was sharper than her own when he snapped back, “Don’t ever say that to us again–we love and want you.”
“I told him to talk to you,” Monte said from where he stood behind her. “But he wouldn’t listen to me.” Jack glared at him. “You tryna make shit worse.” “I ain’t caring ‘bout yo’ attitude. My ass is in trouble wit’ her, and I ain’t did shit.” Lamont was cussing.
Vicki stepped back a bit to look from man to man. It was her turn to sigh. “Jack, I want you to make love to me. As for visitors–if they can’t accept us they can’t stay in this house. Me and Monte will sleep with you in our home.”
