Only With You (The Knights, #2)

by E. Salvador

“If I’m around you, it’s not because I have to be, or because you’re an excuse to stay away from John, or because I want to fuck you.” I grab her hand and those electric eyes lock with mine and for a second, I forget it all. “I choose to be around you because I like to be with you. Sure, you’re a pain my arse sometimes, you roll your eyes too much, and you talk back for no reason.” That gets her lips to quirk up a bit. “But there’s no one else I’d rather do that to me than you.”

“I’m sorry.” I smile and poke her sides until she can’t help but smile too. “I promise to make up for it. I’ll buy you all the oatmeal and lattes you want.” “Make it hot chocolate and we’re good,” she negotiates. “Love, I’ll buy you anything you want.”

“Hey.” I tuck a knuckle underneath her chin and tip it upward, meeting the defeated look in her eyes. “What’s wrong? Talk to me.” “It’s nothing, just a bunch of bullshit that I promise you don’t want to hear about. I’ll probably talk your ear off about it.” “Snowy white and electric sapphire.” “What?” “When you talk, those are the colours I see in the shape of an aurora borealis. I wish you could see it, because it’s breathtaking.”

Her face glows. “See, I knew you were obsessed with me.” “You made it hard not to be,” I blithely respond.

With Julianna, it’s not like that. She sets my soul on fire, makes me feel electric. I mean, goddamn, she makes me feel alive and makes me look forward to tomorrow and the days after. She makes me not hate myself or my smiles. I’ve not told her or even Reid, but for the first time in a long time, I was able to look in the mirror and smile. I was able to forget about the people who made me hate it, because all I could think about was the only person who makes me like it.

He winks at me and I swear my heart leaps in my chest. Of course he’d make a wink look hot. Fuck my life and my vagina.

Oh, fuck it. “I’m in too deep, Julianna. Too fucking deep, that this”—I point at my chest, fisting my shirt close to my heart because it feels like it’s close to collapsing—“this doesn’t feel like mine! This goes manic when I’m around you. When I think about you. When I hear your voice. God, when I hear your voice, I fucking forget my own name. I forget it all, because when I hear it, when I hear you, it all disappears because nothing else matters. Nothing else exists!”

“There is no finding fun with anyone else. I’m sorry I worded it that way. I’m sorry I made you believe it was just fun, because it’s been much more than that for me. I wish I could tell you when it became more. I wish I could tell you when I fell so hard. I really wish I could, but I can’t. What I can tell you is that for the first time, falling doesn’t seem so bad if it’s only with you.”

“I’m falling for you every day, but I’ve also never felt more balanced, because you make me feel it in this unsteady world. I don’t know how you manage to make me fall and feel secure, but you do, Julianna. And it pains me to admit that, not because I don’t want you to know, but because it scares me.”

“Because admitting it out loud means I’m attached, and if I’m attached…it means there’s a chance someone will leave, someone will walk away, someone will die, and once they do…it’ll hurt.” I grind the back of my teeth, feeling the stabbing ache in my chest again. I push through pain because there’s no going back. I’ve bared myself to her, let her see the fear, and I can’t take it back. Even if I could, I don’t want to, not with her.

“Julianna.” I close the space between us, circling an arm around her back, and tip her chin up. Her expression is wistful, electric sapphire eyes doleful. “Nothing you say or do will make me reconsider what I just said. I meant every word and I stand by it. A few tears aren’t going to prevent me from feeling the way that I do. You can cry and shout, but nothing will change the way I feel for you. Because I look forward to seeing what’s going to happen next, you keep me wanting more, needing more. Everything you do is enough, though sometimes I feel like I can’t get enough of you. Sometimes, I’m so overwhelmed by you I forget how to think.” I cup her neck with both hands, wiping away tears that cling to her cheeks. “So this is nothing. If you want to cry or yell at me, then by all means please do it, please fucking fight with me. Please do what you want.” I swallow the thick emotions clogging my throat. “And while you’re at it, take my heart with you, because it doesn’t feel like mine anymore.”

“You’re my girlfriend now. It’s my job to take care of you.”

“I’ll be your Love, if you’ll be mine?” “Only yours.” I pull her in, sealing my lips with hers. Snowy white and electric sapphire swirl in my head.

“You’re so strong.” He steps forward, hands cupping my neck, holding my stare. “You’re so fucking strong. I want you to know that. I want you to know it wasn’t your fault. You’re not stupid. You’re not naive. You’re nothing but strong, Julianna. I want you to believe that. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here, okay?”

“You’re worth it and I don’t want someone making you feel the way you do. I don’t want you to hurt, because when you do…I fucking hurt.”

“Respectfully, I’m going to stay right here.”

I just want you to know that I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you feel how enough you are, how needed and wanted you are, and how loved you are, because I love you.”

I pull back, but she doesn’t let go. Her glassy eyes dilate and the sapphire of her irises looks electric, hypnotising me. Her lips rise into a breathtaking smile and her face glows. I repeat the words in my head, but they sound distant. “What?” I say almost breathless as she dries my cheeks with her hand. “I love you and I love all of your parts. The messy, the broken, the unfiltered, I love them all. Nothing about you is going to stop or deter that intense and immense feeling from going away. And I really do hate to break it to you, but you’re stuck with me for life. Do with that information what you will, but I’m not going anywhere because I love you. So you and I, we’ll work together to mend it all.”

“That’s how I feel, how you make me feel. Consumed and consistent, it’s like being in a house full of everything you could possibly want and need. And all that’s in it is you.” I wipe the stray tear streaking down her cheek with my thumb. “Because my home is wherever you are, and where you are is where I feel the most, where I feel it all.”

“If someone says no, it fucking means no. Come near Julianna again and I swear to God, I’ll fucking kill you.”

I don’t think I’ll ever get over knowing he loves me.

“Me? Loud at three in the morning. Couldn’t have been. I’m a child of God. I would never indulge in fornication.”

sense, but I can’t bring myself to care. He deeply chuckles—no, it’s not just a chuckle. He throws his head back and a hearty laugh, one that I’ve never heard slips past his lips. I’m stunned at how carefree he looks and amazed and immersed at how good it sounds.

“What made you want to tell me?” “Hoping I’d see you freak out.” A smug grin curves his lips, but it softens a second later. “It’s your birthday. I wanted to do something special, share what makes me feel free with someone who makes me feel every-fucking-thing.”

“Thank you for making me feel safe in the darkness. I’m so happy to call you my home.”

I’ll never stop thanking whatever conspired for us to get together, whatever string was tied to us, whatever planted itself in our lives. Because of it, I found my light at the end of the tunnel, and while it was a journey, it was all worth it. For them, I’d do it all over again.