Only With You (The Knights, #2)

by E. Salvador

“And I want you to remember it, too. I want you to remember how fucking desperate you were when you came to me for help. How willing you were to give up your body so I could help you pass. How easy it was for me to have you like this because you get off on this shit. Isn’t that right? You’re drenching my cock, lifting your hips, spreading your legs for me.”

“Come on, get dressed. We’re going to go celebrate. You look too pretty to let it go to waste.”

Sometimes, my heart feels like it’s going to give out from how fast it beats when I’m around Julianna. It’s as worrisome as it is overwhelming, because I like how it feels, I like how she makes me feel, but then I have these thoughts and I’m reminded that I don’t do this.

I don’t create unrealistic scenarios in my head, because it only brings hope and that’s a dangerous thing, despite what Reid says. Although…sitting right across from her in this booth, watching her get excited over a stack of pancakes and syrup that she swears is the best thing I’ll ever have in my life, I can’t help but feel just a bit of hope.

We’re just fucking and that’s all it’s supposed to be and all it’s meant to be. That’s why I went out of my way to put some distance between us. I’m feeling too much for someone who was never supposed to mean anything to me. But the so-called distance I decided to put between us is now laughable.

The space did nothing but make me miss her, and when I was at the store, I saw something that reminded me of her. That is how I ended up leaving with a cart full of stuff and going to stores I’ve never been in, just to get the exact brand of body wash she uses and other products she likes.

I also never thought someone like her would make life feel like there is a light at the end of a very depressing tunnel. And saying that is all too mediocre because she’s done more than that.

Julianna flicked on a light, and suddenly my life doesn’t seem dark anymore. She illuminated the darkest part of my soul, and the strange thing is that with her, it doesn’t feel like it was ever off. I’ve been sitting in the dark for so long, I’ve just always accepted it, but then she came out of nowhere, like a strike of lightning to my blasé life, and brought it all back. Just like that.

“God, you’re bea...

“The way I see you has nothing to do with what you do or don’t wear. There’s nothing ordinary or extraordinary in the way that I see you, because it’s all beyond beautiful. Truthfully, a single word can’t define how I see you. Nor will it explain it because the only way is through my eyes. I’m sorry there’s not a better word in the dictionary.”

Remember, you lead and I follow.”

“If I pass my final exam, you have to get that tattooed on your neck.” I should have seen that coming, but somehow, it still blindsided me. That’s what I get for running my mouth. “Okay.” I drum my fingers along the table. “But you have to make a ninety-five, and I also have to get something out of this if you don’t.” “Wait, no, you’re not going to set the rules. I’m the one who came up with the bet,” she argues, glowering at me. I shrug, indifferent about it. “Don’t care.” “God, you’re an ass.”

“If you don’t pass, you have to get one of those words tattooed on your body and I get to pick which one.” Her eyes go round and she tries to pull her legs away, but I don’t let her. “No, absolutely not.” I know she’s refusing because she knows which one of the two I’ll pick. I really like Landon Taylor’s property, but Landon Taylor’s cum slut might be the winner.

then you’ll really hate me, because it’s stupid.” “That won’t happen.” Because I like you way too much to ever feel that way toward you. My heart expands at the thought, but I push it out of the way. “I promise.”

“I hate that your parents are making you feel this way, because you’re not a burden. You’re far from it. Quite frankly, if I’m being honest with you, I need more of you because I can’t stop getting enough of you. And I know it’s not the same thing, because you want that from your parents, but I see you and I see that you’re not any of those things you just said you were. You’re not just your smiles or your beauty. You’re Julianna fucking Sparks. You’re smart, capable, strong, quick-witted. You’re that and so much more. I promise and I hope you know I mean it.”

“Freshman year, I’m hitting your car. Senior year, I’m driving it. Who would have thought?”

“Now, you two look at each other and you both get stuck in this world that feels like no one else can be a part of. Don’t get me started on how you’re the first person he’s ever let be in his room or how he shared his cereal with you.”

“A thousand girls, yet you’re the only one he was looking at,” she cheerily says, her smile brimming with amusement.

You go see your future girlfriend.” My heart skips a beat.

“This is going to make me sound self-centred because it always does to everyone else, but my time is very important to me. I don’t like to waste my energy on people who don’t matter or who do nothing for me. Because if I’m being honest with you, I already struggle for energy myself. Sometimes, I feel like I have so little of it, so I don’t want to use it on someone who will take it for granted. So, it makes me selective of who I choose to be around.”

I’ve never so willingly, so easily, so quickly given it up for someone until her. She also doesn’t drain me of my energy, but she gives me more of it. I don’t know how she does it, but I always feel alive because of her.

“If I’m around you, it’s not because I have to be, or because you’re an excuse to stay away from John, or because I want to fuck you.”

“I choose to be around you because I like to be with you. Sure, you’re a pain my arse sometimes, you roll your eyes too much...

“But there’s no one else I’d rather do that t...

“And I really want to kiss you.”

“Love, I’ll buy you anything you want.” She grins. “That’s a dangerous thing to tell a girl. I hope you mean it.” “It’s a promise.”

“Snowy white and electric sapphire.” “What?” “When you talk, those are the colours I see in the shape of an aurora borealis. I wish you could see it, because it’s breathtaking.”

“As you speak, I see it, but even if I didn’t, I still like the sound of your voice. When you’re laughing, singing when you think no one is listening, talking about your students and the instruments you’re teaching them, moaning when I’m fucking you.” Her face glows. “See, I knew you were obsessed with me.” “You made it hard not to be,” I blithely respond.

She sets my soul on fire, makes me feel electric. I mean, goddamn, she makes me feel alive and makes me look forward to tomorrow and the days after. She makes me not hate myself or my smiles. I’ve not told her or even Reid, but for the first time in a long time, I was able to look in the mirror and smile. I was able to forget about the people who made me hate it, because all I could think about was the only person who makes me like it.

“Look at me.” She keeps her gaze glued to our feet. “Trust me, you’re going to want me to look down.” “Trust me, I want you to look at me.”

“Please,” I beg, my breaths harsh, knuckles white, and body painfully aching to come. “Please, Landon.” I severely and utterly fucked up. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I decided to provoke him. I really hate who I was a few minutes ago because we’re not the same person.

“That’s my fucking last name on your back. That means you’re mine, and I’ll be damned if anyone thinks they have a chance with you. Because it’ll never happen, right?”

“I swear, you drive me insane.”

“I need you to watch me fuck you. I need you to see how no one will ever make you feel as good as I do. No-fucking-body, Julianna.”

“Ashamed that everyone will know how you like to get fucked? Both holes filled like a filthy little whore. Just look at you, easily taking my cock, just feel how deep it’s inside of you,”

“Let them know how easy and desperate you are for me. Let them hear you.”

Fuck my life and my vagina.

Saint: I’m telling you all it’s The Julianna Effect.

Me: Malik shut up. Saint: Don’t get mad at Malik because Juls wore his number. She looked good in it. Me: I’ll ask Daisy to wear my number next time around. She’ll look good in it.

God, I sound so needy, but I miss her.

“I’m in too deep!” The words leave my mouth with a sudden force, it almost takes the little bit of air left in me with them.

“I’m in too deep, Julianna. Too fucking deep, that this”—I point at my chest, fisting my shirt close to my heart because it feels like it’s close to collapsing—“this doesn’t feel like mine! This goes manic when I’m around you. When I think about you. When I hear your voice. God, when I hear your voice, I fucking forget my own name. I forget it all, because when I hear it, when I hear you, it all disappears because nothing else matters. Nothing else exists!”

“There is no finding fun with anyone else. I’m sorry I worded it that way. I’m sorry I made you believe it was just fun, because it’s been much more than that for me. I wish I could tell you when it became more. I wish I could tell you when I fell so hard. I really wish I could, but I can’t. What I can tell you is that for the first time, falling doesn’t seem so bad if it’s only with you.”

“I’m falling for you every day, but I’ve also never felt more balanced, because you make me feel it in this unsteady world. I don’t know how you manage to make me fall and feel secure, but you do, Julianna. And it pains me to admit that, not because I don’t want you to know, but because it scares me.”

“Why does it scare you?” she asks, her voice low, almost inaudible. “Because admitting it out loud means I’m attached, and if I’m attached…it means there’s a chance someone will leave, someone will walk away, someone will die, and once they do…it’ll hurt.”

“You shouldn’t be scared.” “No, I shouldn’t be, but I’m not good with words, and I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and fuck it all up. I’m afraid, because the last thing I want is to lose someone I never had to begin with.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I panic when another rolls down, followed by another. “I’m sorry. I just needed to tell you that I like you a lot. Life with you has been brighter, it’s been easier to breathe, and more fun to live. I just needed you to know. I’m sorry I upset you. I swear that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”

“Nothing you say or do will make me reconsider what I just said. I meant every word and I stand by it. A few tears aren’t going to prevent me from feeling the way that I do. You can cry and shout, but nothing will change the way I feel for you. Because I look forward to seeing what’s going to happen next, you keep me wanting more, needing more. Everything you do is enough, though sometimes I feel like I can’t get enough of you. Sometimes, I’m so overwhelmed by you I forget how to think.”

“So this is nothing. If you want to cry or yell at me, then by all means please do it, please fucking fight with me. Please do what you want.” I swallow the thick emotions clogging my throat. “And while you’re at it, take my heart with you, because it doesn’t feel like mine anymore.”

“I don’t think my words will ever amount to yours, but I like you a lot. Nothing and no one has ever felt like a safe haven until you.” Safe haven.