The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World

by Desmond Tutu

It seems there is no end to the creative ways we humans can find to hurt each other, and no end to the reasons we feel justified in doing so. There is also no end to the human capacity for healing. In each of us, there is an innate ability to create joy out of suffering, to find hope in the most hopeless of situations, and to heal any relationship in need of healing. I would like to share with you two simple truths: there is nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one undeserving of forgiveness.

In our own ways, we are all broken. Out of that brokenness, we hurt others. Forgiveness is the journey we take toward healing the broken parts. It is how we become whole again.

To forgive is not to pretend that what happened did not happen. Healing does not draw a veil over the hurt. Rather, healing and reconciliation demand an honest reckoning.

Behavior that is hurtful, shameful, abusive, or demeaning must be brought into the fierce light of truth. And truth can be brutal. In fact, truth may exacerbate the hurt; it might make things worse. But if we want real forgiveness and real healing, we must face the real injury.

Let us condemn ghastly acts, but let us never relinquish the hope that the doers of the most heinous deeds can and may change.

We believed then, and I still believe now, that it is possible for people to change for the better. It is more than just possible; it is in our nature . . . in each and every one of us.

Forgiveness does not erase accountability.

True forgiveness is not superficial or glib. It is a deep and thorough look at the reality of a situation. It is an honest accounting of both actions and consequences.

After all, the first step on the path is telling our stories. The process is not quiet, and it is not always pretty. It calls for a vulnerability that can be uncomfortable at best. It will ask much of you, sometimes more than you think you can give. However, the gifts and the freedom that will be returned to you are beyond measure.

Summary Understanding the Fourfold Path • Nothing is unforgivable. • There is no one who is beyond redemption, and to deem someone a monster is to take away that person’s accountability for his or her actions. • We always have a choice whether to walk the Revenge Cycle or the Forgiveness Cycle. • In the Revenge Cycle, we reject our pain and suffering and believe that by hurting the person who hurt us our pain will go away. • In the Forgiveness Cycle, we face our pain and suffering and move toward acceptance and healing by walking the Fourfold Path. • These are the steps of the Fourfold Path: Telling the Story, Naming the Hurt, Granting Forgiveness, and Renewing or Releasing the Relationship.

It is what we do next that matters most. Each time we are injured, we stand at the same fork in the road and choose to travel either the path of forgiveness or the path of retaliation. Even in the midst of righteous anger or rage, even if we are blinded by grief and pain, even if our suffering feels so immense and so unfair, we always make a choice. We can lash out in retaliation, demanding an eye for an eye in the false belief that, somehow, this will undo the initial harm or provide balm for our wounds. Or we can step toward the place of acceptance. We can recognize that we must give up all belief that we can change the past. The journey to acceptance begins in pain and ends in hope.

The truth prevents us from pretending that the things that happened did not happen. How we begin is by first letting the truth be heard in all its rawness, in all its ugliness, and in all its messiness.

when we lock our stories inside us, the initial injury is often compounded. If I tuck my secrets and my stories away in shame or fear or silence, then I am bound to my victimhood and my trauma.

In the ideal model of forgiveness, there is an exchange of stories, and if done with total honesty and no justification or rationalization on the part of the perpetrator, there can be great understanding and healing between the two people.

How to Listen • Do not question the facts. • Do not cross-examine. • Create a safe space. • Acknowledge what happened. • Empathize with the pain.

A physical wound is sometimes the easiest to name, forgive, and heal from because it is obvious and tangible. A psychological wound is harder to name. It can attack our sense of safety, our need for acceptance and belonging, our identity, and our sense of worth as a human being.

You may not have had a choice in being harmed, but you can always choose to be healed.

“Unless you seek forgiveness from those you have harmed, you will find that you are bound inside two prisons—the one you are in physically and the one you have around your heart. It is never too late to repair the harm you have caused.

Ideally, the Fourfold Path begins with the one who has inflicted the harm admitting what they have done. When we are able to admit what we have done wrong, we begin the process of receiving forgiveness on sure footing. It makes it easier for the one we have harmed to forgive us.

Admitting the wrong is how we begin to take responsibility for hurting another human being. As we saw time and time again in the TRC, victims often suffer more from not knowing. If we genuinely wish to make things right, we will not compound the initial harm by failing to make an honest confession.

There can be no reconciliation without responsibility.

You know your past. Only you know the secrets, the guilt, and the shame you carry. If you do not face up to your past, it will haunt you. If you cannot admit your mistakes or crimes, the guilt or shame is going to rear its ugly head in some destructive way or another. These things have a way of popping up, and often in ways that you cannot control.

The important thing to remember is that there can be no genuine forgiveness, and therefore no genuine healing, without genuine truth. It is what sets us all free.

When we witness the anguish we have caused another, we help that person heal, and we help the relationship heal. Victims need to tell their stories. Victims need to express how much they have been hurt. And as perpetrators, we need to be fearless enough to stand in front of those we have hurt and open our hearts to make space for their pain. We had a part in creating it, and we have a part in healing it.

There is something magical about saying “I am sorry.” There is healing in the very utterance. Who among us has not had to say these words and who among us has not wished to hear them? “I am sorry” can be a bridge between nations, spouses, friends, and enemies. A whole world can be built on the very foundation laid out in these three simple words: “I am sorry.”

We may need to utter those magical words many times before they are heard and felt. We may have to say them many times before they are believed. What is important is that we are courageous enough to say them, vulnerable enough to mean them, and humble enough to repeat them as many times as necessary.

When you apologize, you are restoring the dignity that you have violated in the person you have hurt. You are also acknowledging that the offense has happened. You are taking responsibility for your part in causing harm. When you apologize with humility and with true remorse for hurting another, you open a space for healing.

When we acknowledge and admit our wrongs, freely and willingly face the pain we have caused, and truly feel remorse for our behavior, our apologies will leave us feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders.

Brené Brown, a leading shame researcher and the author of many wonderful books on the subject, defines guilt as the feeling that “I’ve done something bad” and shame as the feeling that “I am bad.”

No one is bad, and none among us should be defined as the sum total of our worst actions. Kelly Connor is not a killer; she is a person whose actions killed another person. None of us is an offender, liar, betrayer, or monster. We are all fragile and flawed humans who may lie or steal or betray. We are fragile and flawed humans who commit offenses against others. When we do these things, we are not monsters; we are human beings who have become separated from our own goodness.

In prison, the only way to live with my guilt was to have structure. I ran miles and miles every day around the track in the prison yard. Every mile I cried and cried. I cried for the two girls who I killed. I cried for Dan and Lynn’s suffering. I cried for my teenage son and my two little babies, who not only lost their mother, but whose mother had become this horrible monster and killer in the eyes of our community. I ran marathons of pure tears and grief. I also read spiritual books and twelve-step workbooks, and in one workbook on healing and forgiving yourself, it said to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Every morning during my daily routine, I would stand in front of the small sink in my cell that I shared with five other women and say, “I love you, Lisa.” A cell-mate of mine had been watching me do this every day, week after week, year after year, and one day she started clapping and said, “You finally mean it.” I didn’t even realize that for five years I hadn’t been able to look myself in the eye as I said the words—until that morning. “Now the real work begins,” she said. I had no idea how true that was.

Hatred is poison. If you direct hatred at yourself, then self-forgiveness is the antidote to that toxin.

The practice of forgiveness is emotional and spiritual work.

Transformation begins in you, wherever you are, whatever has happened, however you are suffering. Transformation is always possible. We do not heal in isolation. When we reach out and connect with one another—when we tell the story, name the hurt, grant forgiveness, and renew or release the relationship—our suffering begins to transform. We don’t have to carry our pain alone. We don’t have to bind ourselves to our losses forever. Our freedom is forged in the fires of forgiving, and we grow into more spiritually evolved people because of it.

“I am giving you a second chance. I hope you will use it to become your best self. If I do not introduce forgiveness into the pattern of harm you have created, the cycle of retribution can go on ad infinitum.”