Bratva Butcher (Bratva Series Book 4)

by T.J. Maguire

She was the woman who owned my entire heart and soul. The love of my life. My forever. I was lying in our bed with the woman who haunted not only my dreams but every waking moment of my life. Holding her. Kissing her. Smiling as she chastised me for being too hard on the children.

Thinking of her brought forth a whole different kind of pain. A harsher, more crippling kind that overrode the physical torment I was being made to endure. Because there was nothing more agonising, more soul-crushing than losing the person who was your everything. Your entire reason for being. The only person who knew exactly who you were and loved you anyway.

She never said anything. I mean, she was a figment of my imagination… What could she say? But I cherished those moments when my mind was so far gone, it showed me the only person in the world who could bring me peace.

“Odnazhdy ya pererezhu tebe gorlo i iskupayus’ v tvoyey krov,” he spat harshly before spinning around, giving me his back, effectively ending our conversation. A smirk curled my lips. Autumn: 1 Dimitri: 0

But Autumn said nothing like that, surprising me for the umpteenth time when she softly murmured, “What does love feel like?”

“Love is…” There was almost a dreamlike note to the words as if he was reliving some sort of memory associated with the word. “Everything,” he breathed reverently. “It’s everything. It’s like coming home. An overwhelming sense of peace and serenity. It’s joy. Happiness. Awe. And a million other things that make your heart race so fast, you feel like it’s going to burst out of your chest. It’s warmth. And sunshine. And light and laughter. A hurricane of emotions that just knock you off your feet. It’s waking up early just so you can watch them sleep. It’s three A.M. trips to the store for ice cream because that’s what they feel like, and you’ll do anything to make them happy. It’s having all your worries and troubles just wash away with one smile on their lips.” Then his face turned sad. Full of pain. “Ultimately, though, love…is death. Because to love someone—and I mean truly, truly love someone—your heart…your soul…are tethered to theirs. So, when they die, you die too. Air might still enter your lungs. Your heart might still beat. Blood might still pump in your veins. But you’re not alive. Not really. Not anymore. That part of you that made you you died along with them. You might laugh or smile, but it will be empty. It will be meaningless. Everything will be empty without them. You’ll live your days like a zombie, coasting through life but never really living, waiting eagerly for the day when it will all end so you can be reunited with the other half of your soul.”

“Despite how painful love is, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I’d suffer through it all over again if it meant one more day, one more hour, one more second in her presence. Every slash to my soul, every hit to my heart… I’d endure it a thousand times over because it’s worth it.”

Autumn smiled. She fucking smiled. Why had she smiled at him? He’d barely fucking said anything.

“Fine. I won’t fuck him, but you need to give me something in return.” My body zinged to life. Heat flared in my eyes. Involuntarily, my gaze moved to her lips. She can’t possibly mean— Her smile widened. “That’s not what I meant, but good to know where your head’s at.”

“I like her.” She was referring to Autumn.

My dead wife standing in front of me having a conversation with me was all the proof I needed. Despite knowing the harsh truth—that she wasn’t truly there, that she was nothing more than a figment of my imagination—my heart still pounded in my chest at the sight of her. Who cared if she wasn’t real? I could see her. I could talk to her. I didn’t care that she was clearly a hallucination from my crazy, deranged mind. Seeing her, delusion or not, was better than not seeing her at all. I would happily take any moment in her presence, even if it meant I had to give myself a concussion every time to achieve it.

“Your son being here can only mean one thing,” she whispered. “And when the time comes, you’ll be taking me with you, Butcher.” Will I now?

Usually, I couldn’t remember what I dreamed about, but that one didn’t seem to want to go away. I could still feel how real it felt having his hands on me. His lips. His tongue. His— “You look a little…tense.” I jolted at Dimitri’s deep, husky voice in my ear. I turned my head to look at him. He was right there, in my space, a smirk on his lips. “Rough sleep last night?” I cleared my throat. “No. I slept like a baby.” “Did you? Hmm.” Amusement twinkled in his eyes. “Sounded a little… Oh, what’s the word… Eventful?”

I could never pick between my children. I loved them all equally. I might favour Illayana a tiny bit because she was my little girl, but that didn’t mean I loved my boys any less. They were all my everything. Every single one of them.

“Why did you leave without saying goodbye?”

“I didn’t think you cared.” “I don’t,” he bit out between gritted teeth. “Then why are you asking?” “Just think it was quite rude of you.”

“You didn’t think that after everything we went through, that I deserved a simple goodbye?”

“Me?! Are you kidding me?!” I shrieked, aghast. “You’re the one who kissed me and then just stormed away! If anyone is driving someone insane, it’s you! What the hell is it that you want?!” “You!” he snarled, full of anger and fire. “Then fucking take me!”

“Fuck it.” He grabbed my face with both hands and slammed his lips onto mine.

“You said those words. Not me. Not Lukyan. You! You did this. You cut that woman down. Insulted her. Made her feel worthless. All because you’re too much of a goddamn coward to admit what we all already know!”

“I missed you,” he admitted with no hesitation.

We like to push each other’s buttons. We like to fight. I’m fire, you’re ice.

“I cannot begin to apologise for my actions that day,” he said solemnly. “I was struggling with what was happening between us, but that in no way excuses my behaviour. I know that. Believe me when I say that I’ve been hating myself every second of every day since it happened. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I almost drank myself to death because I couldn’t stand what I did to you. The pain I caused you.”

It was the realest he’d ever been with me. He was literally cutting himself open, baring his soul and everything he felt to me. It was like he was a completely different Dimitri. Open and honest. Not hiding a single thing behind cryptic phrases or unidentifiable looks. I didn’t know what to make of it. I was completely thrown off guard, unsure about what to do.

“What is it that you want from me?” I asked softly, my resolve almost cracking. “Don’t you know?”

“You,” he murmured over my lips. “Just you. From now until the end of time.”

But my brain couldn’t forgive that easily, a horrible, sinking thought playing in my head over and over again. “I wish I could believe you.”

I smiled sadly. Tears stung in my eyes, but I held them back, refusing to shed any more tears over him. “You love her, Dimitri. That’s not just going to change. And while I can understand how hard this must be for you, I refuse to continuously compete for first place in your heart.”

“No, baby,” he murmured softly, stepping forward to grasp my face again with both hands. “There’s no competition. She was the mother of my children. A huge part of my life. I’ll always respect and care for her on some level. But my heart no longer belongs to her. It belongs to you.” When I went to look away, he forced my head back, and lowered himself until our eyes locked, his gaze focused entirely on me. “I’m in love with you, Autumn. You’re the one I think about. The one I dream about. The one I can’t bear to be without. You.” He took my hand and placed it over his heart. “You own all of me. It’s all yours, to do with as you wish. If you wanted to cut my heart out and destroy it in your hands for what I did to you, I would let you. I would do whatever it takes to make you happy. To see you smile. To hear your laugh.” His thumb ran over my bottom lip in a soft caress. My breath hitched. “To feel your lips again. I would do anything because you’re the one I cannot live without. My malen’kaya d'yavolista."

“Because of our history, you get one free pass, Vanessa. One. And that’s it. You try this again, and I swear you’ll be dead before you hit the ground, and Cole will grow up an orphan.” The smile dropped on her face instantly at the mention of her son. Dimitri was my one weak spot. Cole was hers. Her son was three years old and cute as a button. I’d met him a few times when we were both working the same jobs. She had a rule that no matter what she was doing, she would call her son every night to say goodnight. She loved him more than money, and that was saying something, because Vanessa was all about the cash.

“We call a family meeting.”

“Your brother is more than capable of doing this, and you want to know why? Because he’s strong. He’s smart. He’s cunning. He has the drive and determination to fulfill any task he sets his mind to. And because he has a carefree attitude, he’ll be the last person on Earth your grandfather will ever suspect of something nefarious. Sergei will let his guard down around Lukyan because, like the two of you, he underestimates him. I don’t.”

But they needed to have the same faith in him that I did. Lukyan was more than capable of doing it. He just needed to be given a chance to prove himself. To show his siblings he wasn’t the joke they thought he was. I locked eyes with Lukyan. “What do you say, son?” I asked. “You up for it?” A dark, evil smirk curled his lips. “Fuck yeah.”