Chinaman

by Shehan Karunatilaka

To me, the Bible is perhaps the greatest book ever written. Not as a step-by-step guide to life or as a travel brochure for the afterlife. In that respect, it is positively dangerous. But as a tightly written work of fiction, it is magnificent.

W.G. I wish I was known by my initials. Like F.C. de Saram and C.I. Gunasekera, Lanka’s first great batsmen. Or D.S. de Silva, Lanka’s last great spinner. Like T.S. Eliot. D.H. Lawrence. Even O.J. Simpson. My name is Wijedasa Gamini Karunasena. My mother and sister call me Sudu; my three brothers no longer call me. Strangers call me Karunasena; friends call me Wije. My wife calls me Gamini dear when she wants money and unprintable things when I don’t give it to her. But, regrettably and unfortunately, no one calls me by my initials. If they did, I would share my name with the greatest cricketer of the nineteenth century, Dr W.G. Grace, undoubtedly the game’s first hero, and perhaps, something of an arse. ‘They came to see me bat, not to watch you umpire.’ It’s an old joke. Sobers never was sober. W.G. did not have any grace.

She is in her nightdress and even though she is shaped more like an alarm clock than an hourglass, I see beauty in her.

Buddhism is a non-violent, non-materialistic philosophy everywhere, that is, except for this fair island of ours.

‘This is an upset,’ said the Kiwi journalist with the beak. ‘Just because you’re upset doesn’t make it an upset,’ grinned Ari, snapping his flashing camera at ten-minute

New Zealand rugby, cricket, and basketball teams are respectively called the All Blacks, the Black Caps, and the Tall Blacks. The New Zealand badminton team call themselves the Black Cocks. (This is not a joke, look it up.) When asked why by the press, the NZ badminton chief shrugged and replied that in fifteen years of holding that post, he had never seen a journalist. Since the rebranding, he has seen over twenty. As the Americanos would say, go and figure.

To be in the right place at the right time and to watch a gifted athlete in full cry is one of life’s true pleasures.

Sport can unite worlds, tear down walls, and transcend race, the past, and all probability. Unlike life, sport matters.

‘The boy is a Sri Lankan. He should know his country.’ I have no desire to own a woman or be owned by one. I like to have sex with women and to be friends with them. Both of which seem to cease after rings are exchanged. Marriage is two people deciding whose turn it is to be unhappy. I have been there and been unable to do that.