The Co-op

by Tarah DeWitt

“I thought you were gone for the night!” I scream. “Oh, believe me, I know. I thought you were gonna take all night, too. I tried to make a bunch of noise in here to let you know. Banged around pots and pans and everything.” “You did not.” “Oh, sugar, but I did.”

“I’m just going for a walk, Deacon,” I quietly concede. “I wouldn’t.” I can’t. Some truly awful part of me wishes I could. I have every right to, and though it was a vague and awkward exchange, he did tell me he would respect my wishes. But I don’t want anyone but him. I can’t even masturbate without him filling my head, apparently. I hate myself for it, but it’s the truth. I’ve fucked myself over with all my engaging back-and-forth with him.

I guess when the ones who are supposed to love you the most never made you feel safe or important, I’d assume the worst of people, too.

I wonder if she’s quick to want justice for other people because no one ever did that for her.

The trying was what it was really about. I’d begun to believe that trying was its own love language. Trying to understand a person, trying to make them happy, trying to make yourself happy, too. My relationship with him is what made me believe that.

“The messes and mistakes we make as parents are more about us than about our children.” She looks at me softly. “I think when you remind yourself that their choices were more about them than you, you can get to a place where you’re open to forgiveness. Or at least, not punishing yourself anymore over it. Because sometimes that’s all that forgiveness accomplishes. Setting yourself free of it.”

My home, my girl, my pain in the ass, my world. That fucking force of nature. I want her on my side, that formidable, fierce woman.

“Would you punch a shark for me?” he asks. “I’d bite a shark for you,” I say. I’m a little scared of how much I mean it.

“I’m sorry,” I say, voice hitching, eyes filling. His lids crack open and he tips down to kiss me, like he can’t help himself. “No, no, beautiful girl. Sweet, silly woman.” Thumbs my cheekbone in reverence. “Telling me I ruined you for anyone else is making me have—a moment—and I just need you to be still for a second, please.”