What We Keep

by Jennifer Millikin

If a hero would sacrifice their love to save the world, but a villain would sacrifice the world to save their love, what does that make me? What would I sacrifice to get it all back, to save my husband? The answer is easy. The world.

“So you took care of your sister?” I feel it. How my chest puffs out. “Yes.” I cannot mask the hint of pride in my voice. “Who”—Dr. Ruben leans forward, pressing his hands together between his open knees—“took care of you?” “Me.”

“Baby, we’re in trouble.” I kiss the space beside his ear, my heart flip-flopping at how he called me baby. “What kind of trouble?” “The kind that buries you alive, and all you can do is hope rescue never arrives.” “I like that idea.” “Being buried alive?” “Being inundated. That’s what I want to be. Inundated with you. By you.”

“You’ve been an adult since you were a kid.” I frown at the pride in his voice. Children are only adults because they were forced to become them. Newsflash, it’s the last thing a kid should have to be.

True loneliness isn’t being alone. It’s being with someone else and still finding yourself alone. A truth I wish I never learned.

But there’s something deep down, a newly developed but insistent feeling. Not hope, because that would be too much to ask, but its benign cousin. Trust. Trust that I will be ok. I will make it. I am almost on the other side of this storm.

I love you, with everything I am. All of me loves all of you. Now I see that sometimes loving and letting go are the same thing.

“Why didn’t you come for me five months ago? Why wasn’t I your first stop?” How can I explain it to her? There are a million words I can choose from, but they all fall flat. Instead, I choose a story. “You have a yellow dress with blue flowers printed on it. It has sleeves like a T-shirt, but it’s low-cut.” Using the pointer fingers on both hands, I demonstrate a deep ‘v’ going down the front of my chest. “It reaches half-way down your thighs, and you look like an angel when you wear it.” Her eyes widen. “I bought that dress last summer.” My heart beats double time. “You were my first stop.”

“You’re always going to be mine, Avery. I’m always going to be yours. I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring to tell me that.” He taps two fingers over his heart. “It’s in here.”

“When we were together before, I wanted to be pretty for you. All the time. Not just physically, but every other way too. I wanted a life that was shiny, that looked good. And in doing so, I created a world where you could not be ugly with me.”

“I won’t stop fighting, unless you ask me to. And I pray you don’t.” My throat thickens. “You are the hill I want to die on.”