Promise Me Sunshine

by Cara Bastone

“Believe it or not, it gets easier to talk about after a while. A long while. But I’ve been there, Lenny. Right where you are. Where you lose control of your life and nothing makes sense anymore. When you can’t remember how basic things function. Like when to eat or shower. Grief…it’s not like any other emotion. It is utterly discombobulating. Among many other things.”

“Lenny, I didn’t suggest this because I thought it would be easy. I don’t care if it’s hard. Of course it’s hard. But in order for me to be there for you, I need to actually be there. So what if I lose a couple hours of sleep.”

“Consider it like you just had a heart transplant. When Lou died, your entire heart went with her. But you have to live, right? So now you’ve got this new heart. And you’re getting used to it. No one would expect you to run up a hill right after a heart transplant. Go slow. Go easy on yourself.” I press my hands to my heart, one over the other. “I can’t believe people survive this.”

“Lenny, the stakes are low with you because you’re the most loyal person I’ve ever met. You’re fully on my team. Now that you’re here, I think there’s very little I could do to kick you out…I don’t have to worry about losing you. I can just…relax.”

“Don’t change the subject. Did you just tell me you’re in love with someone? Who is this person?” I scrub my hands over my face again. “His name is Miles. He’s…new.” “Miles…I heard something about him from Marzia.” “Ah, God. Don’t get me started on that. Whatever she told you is patently false.” She puts her hands on her hips. “He treats you well?” “Mom, he walked into hell and dragged me back out.”

“Lenny, when I look at your face, I feel like I’m finally home after a really long day at work.” I immediately turn my face into my pillow and attempt to withstand rapture. Because making someone feel like they’re home is so much better than being told I’m pretty.

It should ache when you change this much.

“I think that even in all your worst moments of grief, you’ve wished for companionship. I think you’re always, secretly, hoping for happy endings, even when they don’t seem possible. You say compulsive but I think they’re actually kind of just…tenacious. Like daisies popping up out of the snow. Grief has been sort of, I don’t know, it sounds sappy, but like winter for you. And I think that the part of you that can’t help but manufacture happiness, because that’s who you are, it’s been sending up these little flowers to pop up and keep you company.”

I got to remember what it feels like to give. And you’re not in the least bit careful with me. Which…yeah. Feels good. You helped me remember how to feel strong. Healthy. Needed. I didn’t know I could feel like that anymore.”