Promise Me Sunshine

by Cara Bastone

It’s probably apropos to mention that I instantaneously spin elaborate fantasies about almost every man I ever meet. Not to say that this guy isn’t special; I have just fallen in love, after all.

“I don’t know. Just thinking about all the experiences other people have. Through all the, you know, grief, I’ve kinda forgotten that the entire world is filled with all these other realities…possibilities…that I’ve never even considered before.”

She understood what it means to be someone’s secret. It means that you’re not their pride and joy. And she wanted me to feel that I was hers.”

You’ll take care of yourself again someday.

Next time I want to say fuck you to somebody I’ll just shout endure it instead.

“Miles,” I whisper. “Hm.” “…” His eyes peek open at my pause. I can see from his expression that there’s nothing I actually need to say out loud right now. My eyelids get heavy and when I blink them back open, he’s still gazing at me.

“Miles,” I gasp into the phone when he answers. “Lenny?” His voice sounds like it’s already sliding into shoes, grabbing a coat and his keys off the hook. “What’s going on?” “I’m on the ferry again,” I tell him. “I wanna be somewhere else.”

“I want something that feels…natural, even if it’s not always sexy. Because relationships change so much while you’re in them. And so do the people. Even if you start out wanting one thing, a few years down the road you might want something completely different.”

He nods and sits back down, turning his attention back toward me. The girl drifts away, looking back over her shoulder as she goes. My mind is processing what it looks like when someone falls in love with Miles.

I turn to Miles, to suggest we do exactly that, but he’s already looking at me. “Lenny. Thank you for calling me,” he says in a low voice. His hand slides across the picnic table and lands on mine. We’re only touching in four square inches but I’m awash in his warm heat. “For calling when you needed me.”

“Well, you know, lone wolf howling at the moon? Pretty lonely. I thought you’d make me go for something happier.” He frowns. “They’re not lonely.” He gestures between our two bandages. “There’s two of them.”

“The first one saying, I’m here! I’m here! And then the other one says, Me too! Me too!”

Producing a book from nowhere, he reclines and is immediately the picture of someone who can entertain themself with nothing but their own intellect. It’s irritating. In an attractive way.

“You’re so natural with me. Which must mean that the stakes aren’t high with me?” “No,” he says in a low voice. “They’re not.” My gut tightens. This was not the answer I wanted. “Because you aren’t expecting anything from me?” He quirks his face and turns to look at me again. “No.” I hold his gaze, not yielding, and he gently kicks his shin into my foot. “Lenny, the stakes are low with you because you’re the most loyal person I’ve ever met. You’re fully on my team. Now that you’re here, I think there’s very little I could do to kick you

out…I don’t have to worry about losing you. I can just…relax.”

This news is literally painful for me. My chest is tight and achy. I’ve never had anyone dress up to meet my parents before.

“Right. And in terms of you and me…maybe it isn’t such a big change.” “What do you mean?” “I mean…I can’t say how long I’ve been feeling exactly like this. But I’ve been wanting to crawl inside your sweatshirts for a while now.” I shift a little bit closer to him and play with the pushed-up fabric at the bend of his elbow. “And you’ve been feeding me and washing my hair and herding me around town.”

“My mom asked me if you treat me well, Miles. You know what I said to her?” “What’s that?” he says in a low, husky voice. “I said that you walked into hell and dragged me back out.”

“He can’t be seduced!” I shout into the phone. “I don’t think other daughters say this kind of thing to their mothers,” my mom placidly replies. “Well, you asked!” She did, indeed, ask how things were going with Miles when she called and I answered.

He pinches my lips closed. “Lenny, when I look at your face, I feel like I’m finally home after a really long day at work.”

You need a job that ISN’T chasing me around the city with oven mitts on. I like to take care of you.

“I think that even in all your worst moments of grief, you’ve wished for companionship. I think you’re always, secretly, hoping for happy endings, even when they don’t seem possible. You say compulsive but I think they’re actually kind of just…tenacious. Like daisies popping up out of the snow. Grief has been sort of, I don’t know, it sounds sappy, but like winter for you. And I think that the part of you that can’t help but manufacture happiness, because that’s who you are, it’s been sending up these little flowers to pop up and keep you company.”