Promise Me Sunshine

by Cara Bastone

This is a love story, I swear. This is what happens when you’ve promised someone you’ll live again.

He didn’t. Tip. The waiter. WTF? Who does that?

Miles kicks at the back of one of his boots. “Doesn’t matter. Not important. Just trust me, he didn’t deserve a tip.”

“I saw the book,” he says in a low voice. My eyes pop back open and he’s got dark eyes trained on my face. Grief and You.

When I look up at him again, I see it for a split second. Genuine concern. I’m worried.

“And saying ‘my friend died’ doesn’t convey what really—she was my sister. No. My A-team. My other half. And I’m so fucking stupid because I didn’t realize she was my whole life until she was gone.”

“Something good for you.” He points at the oatmeal. “Something bad for you.” He points at the croissant. “And a change of scenery.” He points at the bakery. “Huh?” “It’s hard-won wisdom. A formula I figured out in my dark days. One I still need sometimes. When everything is going dark and you can’t understand why…when the grief catches up to you again…Or when your sister shouts at you and you feel like the world’s biggest tool. Just remember. Something good for you, something bad for you, and a change of scenery. That’s the winning formula.”

“Consider it like you just had a heart transplant. When Lou died, your entire heart went with her. But you have to live, right? So now you’ve got this new heart. And you’re getting used to it. No one would expect you to run up a hill right after a heart transplant. Go slow. Go easy on yourself.”

In the day that’s passed since I called him from the ferry, Miles has done something truly despicable: he’s made me take up exercise.

“He’s not a Prince Charming. They’re never a Prince Charming. Who wants Prince Charming? I want someone as screwed up as I am so I don’t suffer by comparison.”

“I want something that feels…natural, even if it’s not always sexy. Because relationships change so much while you’re in them. And so do the people. Even if you start out wanting one thing, a few years down the road you might want something completely different.”

But yeah. Companionship…it’s incredible if done right. It’s satisfying. And isn’t that ultimately what everyone wants? To feel fulfilled?” “Known.”

“I can’t stand to look at it anymore,” I gasp. Tears fill my eyes and he’s just a blur of color and light in the mirror now. “I grew it out because she asked me to, but I’m the one who has to haul it everywhere.”

I don’t want you to be healthy for me. I want you to be healthy for you. So…if you need to do something you’ll regret…let’s do it. I’m in. Just not your hair.” “Are you serious?” “Yes.” I’m breathing hard, standing up, energy back. “Let’s go get a tattoo.”

“You know, Lenny,” he says. “When a wolf is howling at the moon, it’s not actually because it’s lonely.” “Really?” “Yeah.” He nods. “It’s sort of a location technique, for when members of the pack get separated and they need to find one another.”

“Lenny, the stakes are low with you because you’re the most loyal person I’ve ever met. You’re fully on my team. Now that you’re here, I think there’s very little I could do to kick you out…I don’t have to worry about losing you. I can just…relax.”

He’s still watching her walk away. “She cheated on me with Sean a few years ago. I took her back. Nobody ever knew but the three of us.”

He hides. No, he doesn’t. He needs a gentle touch. No, he doesn’t.

“So you’ll come with me if I ask?” His eyes pierce me in the shadows of the kitchen. “Lenny, I’ll do anything you ask me to.”

“You are not betraying her by healing,” he whispers directly into my ear. “You are honoring her. You are learning to love her exactly as she is. As someone who isn’t here anymore…That’s who she is now. And this journey through grief…It’s what we do for the great loves of our lives.”

“Lenny, when I look at your face, I feel like I’m finally home after a really long day at work.”

As soon as I say it, the lightbulb goes off. The Live Again list. The Kiss Lenny list. Very different at first glance. But they have something in common. At their core. Both of these lists are about me taking care of myself again.

When he surfaces, his lips land on my cheeks, my nose, my forehead and chin. “I always thought I’d kiss you and your long hair would be everywhere,” he says, and my heart soars. “I guess I waited too long.”

bringing his attention back to me and only me. “Every time I fall in love with you there’s lightning.” He closes his eyes, opens them and there’s his brilliant love. “There’s only you, Lenny. Every time…it’s just you,” he says, muffled as he kisses me. “And you.” He kisses me again. “And you.”

“I’m never sleeping when I close my eyes like this with you.” “Then what are you doing?” He pauses and I think he might not answer. But then he says, “I’m committing the moment to memory.”