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Maybe she’d consider feeling badly that I’d been alone for so long in the dark, desperately needing a hug.
What you need to know about me and Amanda is that no friendship like ours had ever existed. We basically redefined the medium, elevated it to an art form. Seriously, that’s how we felt. We were like all young people in that way, in full belief that we were revolutionizing the human experience. Those older models, all failures; let us show you how real living is done!
Listening to my brain was exhausting. Only now do I question my brain’s wisdom, wonder if it’s actually working in my best interest. But back then? A thought was reality. And how do you tell your best friend that your brain imagines outgrowing them—that it’s not even a choice; it’s a necessity.
“I walked in on these dykes in bed,” she said, then shivered dramatically before continuing. “Guess they didn’t hear me knocking.” A beat later, she added, “It was sickening.” I froze, eyes fixed on the air above the lake. Why had she told me this story? Because Amanda and I were so close? The chemistry between us seemed palpable (to me), so maybe she had sensed something. Then again, I had thought my yearning for my mom’s love was unmistakable, yet she’d never seemed to pick up on that. I didn’t respond, and after a minute she stood and said, “I just don’t know about you, Anne Marie.” I
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And there I was again, being the scary version of me. I hadn’t achieved anything and already wanted more. What was the word for that? Insatiable, perhaps. But that was so earthly, calling to mind sex, or food. What I craved was cosmic bigness.
My eyes were open containers, and I made room inside them for her to pour herself into. I inhaled deeply, exhaled like there, the unsaid thing has been said.
What many people don’t understand about serious injury or illness is that what you’re really coming to grips with isn’t the physical limitations (although there is that); it’s how the physical limitations alter your interactions with the world.
At first, you can only take. You take people’s time, their physical energy, their emotional reserves. You’re in a state of need and you take, take, take without giving. And taking without giving, that messes with your head. You start asking yourself what the point of your existence is. A drain on the world’s resources, on the resources of those you love, nothing else. But eventually—and it may take years, as it did for me—you discover ways to start giving again. Honestly, you’d be shocked at how many ways exist to give in this world if that’s all you’re looking for.
