The Dawn of the Cursed Queen (Gods & Monsters, #3)

by Amber V. Nicole

Dianna, as fierce and loving as she is—don’t tell her I said that—was not the worst thing in the world, not by a lot. Apparently, her maker, Kabitch—sorry, my pen slipped—Kaden had a plan far grander than any of us suspected, and none of us knew it wasn’t him at the helm.

He wrapped his arms around me, engulfing me in his arms. Perhaps it was truly a funny thing not to realize how broken or damaged you were until someone came along and picked up every single fractured piece and showed you how just being you was enough. “You really mean that? I couldn’t tempt you in another form?”

“But, Sami baby, there is nothing weak about you. I think we are both used to doing everything alone, even taking care of ourselves. So help feels strange. You know I’ll be here when you’re healthy and strong and also when you’re sick and need me to pick up the slack, all right?”

“Your burdens are my burdens, and we take care of each other, okay?” I clasped her pinky with mine and nodded. “Promise.” “It’s practically law, you know.” She placed a kiss on our joined hands.

I didn’t have to get close to you.” I appreciated his honesty, even with the uncertainty of my fate. I nodded. “So why then?” He shrugged, sitting back and unwrapping his sandwich. “You keep my head quiet, I suppose. I can just exist around you. If that makes sense. I don’t have to talk or be anything. That’s why.”

His words touched a lonely, vulnerable part of me, easing the ache of loneliness that had been constant since being here. I’d never had anyone just want to be around me. Everyone wanted me for my power, not just me.

Camilla and I had lunch every day at the same time atop the fortress. It was the only time either of us knew peace, and I enjoyed it. She laughed the other day over a stupid remark I’d made, sending my blood boiling. It was so easy with her. It always had been. I had visited her on the remains of Rashearim for the same reasons. When I was with her, I could just relax and be anything but myself, just existing in her presence. She asked nothing of me but that.

My heart thudded as I remembered how she had taken me away from Rashearim for what I thought was a night of passion, only it soon turned into a living nightmare. She rode me until I was blind with bliss, then stabbed me as a hundred witches descended on us. I still dreamed of the chanting and the burn of that binding spell. In my nightmares, I remember begging her to make it stop, but she didn’t listen. She never did. I hated it, hated her. Machines screeched to a halt, yanking me from the memory. I shook my head, thinking of the one witch who only ever touched me with care. She was my salvation, my peace.

“Try harder because I will not have half of you. I will not love only half of you. Sharing your body with me is not enough,” he said, and I swore my heart broke. “It may have been to others in your past, but it’s not enough for me.”

No matter how hard he tried to fix me, I was still a broken, violent thing. I’d realized as we fought that I was never going to change. I had spent eons surviving alone, being brutal in a brutal world. He required a pure, safe love, and all I could offer was a vengeful inferno of it. Nothing soft or delicate, my love cut, but I refused to make him bleed for me any longer. That was not a healthy love. Even I knew that.

Samkiel offering me his whole godsdamn heart terrified me because I knew I’d eventually fuck up again. I’d break him, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

“This.” He held the ring between us, its diamonds shimmering in the setting sun. “This is no matter what.” “I’ll hurt you.” My voice came out as small and damned as I felt. “Then hurt me.” Samkiel’s eyes softened, and he stepped closer, his body almost flush with mine. “But don’t leave me.”

I was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, and beyond that, I was a godsdamned liar. I could pretend I knew what was best for us, pretend that leaving was better, but I was a liar to him and, above all, myself.

I understood now and knew the true loss of another’s soulmate was one of the worst pains known in any realm. It was not sharp or piercing but an agony that melted your bones, seared your flesh, and carved a hole so deep into you that you’d pray for a quick death to be with them. So no, it was not love. It was more necessary, like air in my lungs, blood in my veins. It wasn’t just a nebulous emotion that came and went on a whim. This bond was a near-physical thing, tangible and constant.

I stepped forward, my hands in front of me, fingers intertwined. We were both covered in guts and bile, and gods knew what else. There was nothing romantic about this, but I stared at him and felt nothing but warmth. He was the one person who never abandoned me, no matter how cruel, vicious, or mean I was.

“I thought it was painfully obvious,” I said, blowing out a breath. “I’m an idiot.” His head reared back. “What? No. You’re one of the smartest people I know. One of the smartest I’ve ever met.” I shook my head. “Not when it comes to you.” His eyes softened, his throat bobbing as if he’d swallowed whatever words he was about to speak. “You’re right about a lot of things. I run when things get hard. Sometimes, I lock my emotions down and everyone out. I think the absolute worst, so yes, you leaving made sense. When you sent me away, I thought you had finally realized how damaged and broken I was and decided you deserved better. So I was going to deal with it. I had made up my mind that no matter what, I would still help you get your family back and save this blasted realm you care so much for. Even if you hated me for lying to you and hurting you again and wanted nothing to do with me.”

And don’t think for one second I deserve anyone better than you. There is no one better than you. There never has been. No one is more courageous or godsdamn selfless. You ran into a hive full of flesh-eating acidic insects⁠—”

The partner who proposes has three tasks they have

to complete. One, they have to find a precious gem for their intended, and it has to be rare. That is a sign of how they view their intended. Your stone can only be found at the center of one very active and nasty lava pit. Two, they are to take care of the event itself. In doing so, they prove they are capable of taking care of their partner. Three, they handle the attire. If their partner doesn’t like what they have chosen, it is said that they do not truly love or know their intended, and the ceremony is voided.”

There he was, once again proving that he was nothing like I’d ever expected. I had been miserable those days after we fought. Miserable and crying and depressed that I had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me, yet he was quite literally building our future. “I would burn the world for you,” I whispered, meaning every godsdamn word. “Take your helmet off.”

“I want you to make this your new home… I want you to make this our new home. Fill it with laughter and joy like only you can. I want to fight with you here, love with you here, and fill it with our family. Only you can give me this, Dianna. I can give you the house, but only you can make it our home.”

Samkiel stepped behind me, and I met his eyes in the mirror. He was always behind me. I could face anything, knowing he stood at my back. He was my shield, my strength, and soon he would be my husband.

“No, I dreamt of surviving and keeping her safe. I never thought that weddings, sweet words, and flowers from lovers were for me. This was her dream, and she isn’t even here to give me shit about it now.”

My nerves melted away the moment our eyes locked. A smile that made my cheeks hurt spread across my face. He looked at me as if I were the most beautiful thing in the world. I hoped he saw the same adoration in my gaze. I didn’t know how I’d ever looked at or touched another before him.

He looked so good. I loved how his jacket and cape curved and draped over his broad shoulders and muscled arms. Those powerful arms had carried me despite every cruel or harsh thing I had done. He lifted me when all I wanted to do was fall.

Samkiel smiled at me as if he could read my mind. This was love. This was what it felt like. What it was supposed to feel like. I finally understood why others would go to war for it and clash or rage at its demise. I knew if I lost him and his love, the universe would quake at the mention of my name.

“So, how do you feel about being called my husband?” His face lit up. “So much better. I never have to hear you call me your friend again.” I threw my head back and laughed. When I looked at him, he was just staring at me, dumbstruck.

maim. I didn’t have to jump through hoops for affection from him or beg for attention. I never thought I would receive those words, so instead, I shut my heart down, grew claws and fangs, and loved myself. Samkiel gave them freely and wholeheartedly. “I love you, Samkiel, and I don’t need a soul to feel that.”

He was my missing piece, and he was finally where he belonged, utterly and completely with me. I finally understood why mates went insane, why they raged, and why they broke when they lost it. If it felt like this, then absence was beyond pain, beyond agony. I thought I was a rage-filled, damned beast before, but if someone took this from me, I’d make the leader of evil look like a saint. My eyes locked onto his as if I finally learned to breathe once more, and I wondered if it would feel even better during sex.

“I did not mean what I said back then. I do trust you more than anyone. I was just hurt. My entire family has lied and kept things from me. I... you… I just wanted you to be different.”

in his soft brown eyes.

Maybe kissing me made him realize how much he really missed her, and now that she had finally given him the time of day again, he was done with me. It seemed I’d only been a distraction. I should have known. Why did I ever think I could change him? He wouldn’t even change for his chosen family. I was nothing to him, to no one.

Sleep would not come, my body refusing to allow me the solace of unconsciousness.

All I did was hurt Samkiel, which you know was my intention. I wanted to drive him away, proving to myself that it was never real, that it never meant anything. I wanted him to hate me like I hated myself, maybe even punish me. All I was doing, though, was lying to myself and trying to bury my feelings. I loved him before Gabby died, and I blamed him and myself for her death. I truly believed my love for him was what killed her.

Was I so starved for the smallest affection that even a smile made me want to crumble? She was not mine.

Besides, time is my counterpart. It fades the pain I inflict until those who are used to me welcome me as a friend. I am infinite, and he will mourn and move on. They all do.”