Never Have I Ever: Submitted to My Enemy

by Willow Dixon

The people who only like you because of what they think you are will only continue to drag you down.”

I was a chameleon, always had been. I craved acceptance, and I didn’t need therapy to tell me why. Molding myself to match what others wanted me to be was second nature and a way to shield myself from rejection. If someone didn’t like the version of me I’d shown them, then it wasn’t me they were rejecting; it was a persona.

“I’m into a lot of things on a theoretical level. I’ll fantasize about them, but I don’t think I’d do them in real life. Then there are things I enjoy and things I want to do.”

“That I’m not worth it. That no one will ever put up with me. That no one will ever love me.”

“Maybe, but it seems like everything affects me on a deep level. It’s like I have a constant loop of mistakes or moments of regret rolling through my head. Some days it’s quieter than others, but not a day goes by when I don’t beat myself up for shit that happened years ago.”

“This is why I don’t have any friends. I don’t know how to talk to people when it’s not about stupid stuff. I overshare and infodump and take over conversations.”

I struggled every damn day for twenty-one years, feeling like my brain is my enemy when I didn’t have to.”