Never Have I Ever: Submitted to My Enemy

by Willow Dixon

a Scorpio,

SWIPE LEFT

gemini,

Ugh, even worse than a Scorpio

He was into edging, sensory deprivation, probably humiliation, and being used. Those were also high on my list of favorite kinks.

Corrupting “straight” boys was one of my favorite pastimes. And being one of the first, if not the first, to get my dick in someone satisfied a baser part of myself I usually didn’t let out.

My brain liked to hyperfocus on things, whether they were a hobby, a new friend, or someone I wanted to fuck. The object of my desire became my entire world, and I learned everything I could about it, or, in the case of people, I tended to smother them with attention and freak them out.

Oh look, it's me

He was my best friend and the closest thing I had to a sibling, and watching him devote the attention he used to have for me to Finn fucking sucked. And it hurt.

Oh I get this so hard

“Just so you know, when I ask someone if they’re okay, I’m actually asking. I know a lot of people toss it out to be polite and don’t want to hear the truth, but that’s not me.”

Molding myself to match what others wanted me to be was second nature and a way to shield myself from rejection.

“And what’s your major?” “Psychology.” He snorted. “Like that’s going to be useful in the real world.”

Ouch. Leave me out of this

“I like you,” he whispered. “I didn’t want to, but I do.” “I like you too.”

I was getting attached. Fun might not even be aware of what he was saying, but I was in full control of my faculties. I liked him, and that was dangerous.

FunTimes: you don’t need me to feed your ego MrWrong: awwww but it’s hungry

I was just about to close out of the app when another message appeared. FunTimes: look up Confused and more as a reflex than a conscious choice, I did. My eyes collided with a pair of wide, dark ones. The panic in them was unmistakable. “You’re Wrong,” he croaked.

Oh. Shit.

My secret, the one I hadn’t even told Fun about, was that I was a jealous, possessive bastard. When someone was mine, they were mine. My attention could be stifling and obsessive, and I didn’t need my future degree to tell me it was unhealthy. Until now, I’d never met someone who’d triggered that possessive instinct. Fun had tripped it, and so had Alex.

I couldn’t think about Alex without that little voice whispering in the back of my mind. Mine.

He looked down at his hands, which were clenched in front of him. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO DJKAGBHAKDHSIABDJWBAK I AM DYING

I watched the muscles working, even as jealousy coursed through my veins. “You still meeting people off there?” My voice was gruff and angry.

“What did I do to you?” The little growl he let out shouldn’t have been so hot. “You made me feel.”

I hate you, but I need you. How fucked up is that?”

I want to hate you! Why couldn’t the universe let me have that? Why did it have to be you on the other end of the line? Why are you the only one who can make the noise in my head shut up?”

That little voice in my head was loud now. Mine. Mine. Mine.

But the workmanship wasn’t what made me pause. That would be the semicolon inked next to the phoenix.

:(

The lotus flowers remind me to rise above the shit that drags me down.

LOTUS FLOWER

I still hear his stupid voice in my head.” “What does it say?” “That I’m not worth it. That no one will ever put up with me. That no one will ever love me.”

“I was nice enough to give you my cock. You should thank me for it.” “Thanks for the dick.” He grinned mischievously. “It was passable.”

“Keep looking at me like that, and you’re going to end up with my dick in your mouth,” I warned. “Maybe I’ll even thank you this time if you do a good job.” “Brat.”

I didn’t hate him, and in retrospect, I’d never hated him. I’d been hurt and had shifted my anger onto him because it was easy. If it was his fault, then it wasn’t mine.

I’d wanted him. And now that I’d had him, I didn’t want to let him go.

Dancing with Nick always brought in a shit ton of tips, but I didn’t want Alex to see me dancing with another guy.

I’d never been a snooper. I didn’t check people’s medicine cabinets or riffle through their stuff when I was at their houses.

Can't relate

“I kinda like you too.” That was the understatement of the year. I more than liked him. I was falling for him.

He put a bakery bag, an apple, and a protein bar on the desk attached to my chair, then reached into his bag and added a water bottle to the pile.

Adorable

“You’re cute when you’re jealous. Like an angry puppy.” “Angry puppy?” “Yeah. Like you’re trying to look all mean and growly, but it just comes across as adorable.”

I was in love with him and had been for a while. He was everything. The only person who’d ever broken through my defenses and made me want more. And with him, I didn’t just want more. I wanted everything.

I made a promise to myself I’d never be one of those assholes. Even if we stopped sleeping together, I would still be his friend. Not only could we both use a few more of those in our lives, but I was also way too attached to ever walk away. I’d be there for him for as long as he’d let me.

“Happy birthday.” He kissed my neck. “I forgot to say it earlier.” “Thank you.” I hugged him tighter. “I didn’t get you a gift.” “Yeah, you did.” I kissed his hair. “You’re my gift.”

The photo was relatively tame, just a close-up of his flushed and gorgeous face as he lay nestled against my pillows. I stared at it. He looked good in my bed. Like he belonged. I saved the picture, then set it as my home screen.

Obsessed with that

“That’s it.” I knew he couldn’t hear me, but the possessive asshole in me needed to tell him exactly who he belonged to. “You feel so damn good. Like you were made for me.” He cried out and arched his back. “You’re mine, Alex.”

“Love this,” he murmured. “Love you.”

Sassy Alex, shy Alex, happy Alex, even pissed-off Alex. I was here for all of him.

“Why do you think no one could ever be in love with you?” “Because I’m me.” I stared at him. “You know better than anyone how hard it is to be my friend. Imagine me as a boyfriend. I’m impulsive and obsessive and exhausting. Why would anyone want to put up with that shit just to get some ass?”

“You don’t understand how hard it is to be my friend. I’m needy and high maintenance. I’m impulsive, and my moods are all over the place. I’m exhausting.” “Not to me.”

“Do you want to be mine?” I took a step closer. “Yes,” he whispered. “Do you want me to be yours?” His nostrils flared, and heat filled his eyes. “Yes.”

Pissing him off was fun, but making him happy, seeing that smile, and knowing it was because of me, did things to my insides.

“Get the lube and sit on my face so I can prep you.”

“Lex kappa sig” as the contact name. A memory hit out of nowhere. Alex and I sitting in a quiet corner of the party, joking and laughing and sipping our drinks. It had been one of the best conversations I’d ever had.

“So I’m needy, high maintenance, into some kinky-ass stuff, and now I might have ADHD. Jesus. I wouldn’t blame you for walking away.” “You’re going to have to cut that shit out.” “What shit?” I gently gripped his chin and held his head in place. “I’m not walking away. I love you just the way you are.”

“I love you.” I let go of his chin. “I’m in love with you.” “You are?” “I am.” “But…” “I love you, Alex,” I repeated, my voice firm. “I… I love you too.”

I’d never understood the true meaning of family until Rain and Cassie had accepted me as one of their own. Cassie was just as mothering and amazing to me as she was with Kai and Rain, and Rain always introduced me as her bonus brother.

“Well, I could toast Alex, my boyfriend. Or I could toast Alex, my fiancé.”