What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding

by Kristin Newman

Meanwhile, I spent a few months in both a metaphorical and literal fetal position, and wondered, like so many ex-girlfriends of forest rangers before me, if I would ever be able to use the tent he gave me for Valentine’s Day again.

You behave yourself when dealing with local hotel clerks/​train operators/​tour guides etc. Whether it’s for selfish gain, helping the reputation of Americans traveling abroad, or simply the spreading of good vibes, you will make nice even when faced with cultural frustrations and repeated smug “not possible”s. This was an especially important trait for an American traveling during the George W. years, when the world collectively thought we were all either mentally disabled or bent on world destruction.

But he kept me at arm’s length. I think I was a lot for him, this sweet, slow-moving guy who had just left the seminary, and was now back in college. (He was getting his degree in marketing. I met another guy once who had left the Episcopalian monkhood, and he went back for his degree in marketing, too. I guess spreading the Good News is essentially a sales job.)

After all of the hubbub about going to Argentina alone, I invited Hope and Sasha along. I wanted to show my favorite girls this place that was so special to me, since only children like showing off even more than they hate sharing.

The system is meaningful, I think, because instead of giving away parts of your body like oranges at mile markers in a marathon, intimacy progresses based on how far into your house and life you want to let your partner get. That seemed like an important distinction.

I read Eat Pray Love, which caused me intense stress due to how much I both hated the narrator for her self-involved, self-inflicted misery in the middle of a pretty amazing life, and deeply related to her, due to my tendency to be self-involved and inflict misery on myself in the middle of my pretty amazing life.