What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding

by Kristin Newman

I don’t text people pictures of my genitalia, I don’t go home with boys I meet in bars before they have at least purchased me a couple of meals, I’ve never shown my boobs for beads. I do not sleep with more than one person at a time, and, sometimes, no more than one per year. In America. But I really love to travel. Now, having sex with foreigners is not the only whorish thing I do:

I’d learned that getting on a plane could make me feel better, and that, regardless of how it had gone,

Getting married young is gambling on a game you don’t know how to play. You don’t know who either of you is going to become. If you get married before you are fully cooked, you have no idea if you are marrying someone who will ultimately be compatible with you.

Now, all day, when I wasn’t thinking about how I absolutely was not going to cheat on my boyfriend, I had been harboring a very specific Aleg-related fantasy. It basically involved him teaching me how to say all of the parts of the body in Russian, by kissing each part and then telling me the word for it, which I would then repeat and try to remember as he moved to kiss the next spot.

but he promptly disappeared when we got back home, later explaining, “We really could have had something if you weren’t so successful.”

I recommend you use when interviewing your next potential trip partner:

You don’t wear booty shorts to the Western Wall on Shabbat. You do hike your bathing suit up your booty on the beach in Brazil. Basically, just be aware to show the culturally correct amount of booty.

You can’t control everything. Just enjoy what the world is giving you.

I couldn’t believe how good it felt to be taken care of by someone I could take from without guilt.

I had so many adventures with so many kind, hospitable souls that my faith in upright primates was restored. And since that was the real goal, just in time for Christmas, I packed up my unused, well-traveled condom, and I went home.

Getting on a plane was her medicine, too.

I think that, generally, most of us have a total of about twenty thoughts. And we just scroll through those thoughts, over and over again, in varying order, all day every day.

So, finally, finally, I didn’t choose a bite of decadent dessert that leaves you hungry, and a little sick, and disappointed in yourself for the poor care you are taking of your body. I’ve finally chosen a healthy, delicious, three-course meal.