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As much as his presence in my life confuses me right now, I’ve never been more thankful for him.
He’s nowhere, yet he’s everywhere.
If the fear of him will ever leave me.
I’m engulfed in the same level of emotions as I was in that moment.
It occurs to me that he didn’t even try to apologize.
“All you had to do when you found my journal was ask me for a naked truth. I would have been honest with you. But you didn’t. You chose to not ask for my help and now we’ll both have to suffer the consequences of your actions for the rest of our lives.”
He knows the only choice he has is to turn and walk out that door,
I don’t have to confront things when I’m hiding out here.
Look at me, sweeping shit under the rug just like my mother.
“Did Atlas plant you here to hustle us? What kind of average person knows how to shuffle cards like that?”
He glances over at me and winks, and I drown in guilt for the way that wink makes me feel.
Why is my heart doing this to me?
“You can learn a lot about someone in ten minutes.”
I had never felt that kind of happiness for another person like I felt when I saw you that day.
When I saw that you were happy, it was the worst and best feeling a person could ever have at once.
had nothing to offer you but love, and to me, you deserved more than that.
I quietly grieve what could have been. What is.
makes me wonder if Atlas ever feels like I felt when I got this tattoo. Like all the air is being let out of his heart.
we both know how much it hurts to say goodbye to each other.
seeing the look on his face right now cuts straight to my heart.
I’m not capable of being casual with you, Lily.”
Since the day we met, there has been nothing casual about our relationship. It’s either all in or not in at all.
“In the future… if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again… fall in love with me.” He presses his lips against my forehead. “You’re still my favorite person, Lily. Always will be.”
As his sister, I wish more than anything that you could find a way to forgive him. But as your best friend, I have to tell you that if you take him back, I will never speak to you again.”
I look… pregnant. Like you-can’t-hide-this-shit pregnant.
Part of me wishes I would have never met him. Part of me wishes I could forgive him.
“How about you start with, ‘I’m sorry I attacked you.’ ”
I stand up, the anger and hatred spilling out of me. I spin, pointing at him. “You have no idea! You have no idea what it’s like to go through what you’ve put me through! To fear for your life at the hands of the man you love? To get physically sick just thinking about what he’s done to you? You have no idea, Ryle! None! Fuck you! Fuck you for doing this to me!”
“No!” I yell, spinning around again. “I am not finished! You don’t get to say your truth until I’ve said mine!”
My eyes are telling his that I can no longer stand being touched by him.
“I wish this baby wasn’t yours, Ryle. With everything that I am, I wish this baby was not a part of you.”
I thought if I could just hurt him like he had hurt me, I would feel avenged. I don’t.
Sometimes even grown women need their mother’s comfort so we can just take a break from having to be strong all the time.
I’ve fought to not feel too sorry for myself when I’m around other people. But sitting here with my mother, I crave weakness. I just want to be able to give up for a little while. I want her to take over and hug me and tell me it’ll all be okay. And for the next fifteen minutes while I cry in her arms, that’s exactly what happens.
Basically, I tell her everything I haven’t even been brave enough to fully admit to myself.
This is the first moment since this has happened that I’m being completely honest. I’m honest to her and to myself. Maybe because she’s the only one I know who has been through this.
“I know exactly what you mean, Lily. But the last thing you want to do is lose sight of your limit. Please don’t allow that to happen.”
“We all have a limit. What we’re willing to put up with before we break.
Every time you choose to stay, it makes the next time that much harder to leave.
“Don’t be like me, Lily. I know that you believe he loves you, and I’m sure he
does. But he’s not loving you the right way. He doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. If Ryle truly loves you, he wouldn’t allow you to take him back. He would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. That’s the kind of love a woman deserves, Lily.”
Not once did I think I would come over here and learn from her.
I thought my mother was weak in the past, but she’s actually one of the strongest women I know.
“Be that girl, Lily. Brave and bold.”
“Ryle,” I say gently. “What would you do? If one of these days, this little girl looked up at you and she said, ‘Daddy? My boyfriend hit me.’ What would you say to her, Ryle?”
“What if she came to you and said, ‘Daddy? My husband pushed me down the stairs. He said it was an accident. What should I do?’ ”
“What if…” My voice breaks. “What if she came to you and said, ‘My husband tried to rape me, Daddy. He held me down while I begged him to stop. But he swears he’ll never do it again. What should I do, Daddy?’ ” He’s kissing her forehead, over and over, tears spilling down his face. “What would you say to her, Ryle? Tell me. I need to know what you would say to our daughter if the man she loves with all her heart ever hurts her.” A sob breaks from his chest. He leans toward me and wraps an arm around me. “I would beg her to leave him,” he says through his tears. His lips press desperately
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We become a sobbing mess of tears and broken hearts and shattered dreams. We hold each other. We hold our daughter. And as hard as this choice is, we break the pattern before the pattern breaks us.
In the last fifteen minutes, he lost the love of his life. In the last fifteen minutes, he became a father to a beautiful little girl.
That’s what fifteen minutes can do to a person. It can destroy them. It can save them.
