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May 12 - August 1, 2025
“Thicken Nugget, you evil bitch, stop murdering half the desert,” I muttered from behind my camera. As expected, Thicken Nugget ignored my request.
Can't wait to meet Thicken Nugget
“Thicken Nugget, you evil bitch, stop murdering half the desert,” I muttered from behind my camera. As expected, Thicken Nugget ignored my request.
As always with only one sentence Kimberly Lemming has me HOOKED
For the past few days, Nugget had been on a warpath clearing out the neighborhood. This time, her sights were set on her grown daughter. Tulip, aka Train Wreck, had recently come into power in the Pluto tribe after murdering their last matriarch. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose.
Bro these meerkats are INSANE!!
But hey, that’s how you know she’s made it. Girl’s got an entire research team plotting her assassination.
BAHAHAHA not the ENTIRE RESEARCH TEAM plotting her assassination
More importantly, I’d be the one to capture it. Not that blowhard John. “Oh, I can’t wait to see the look on his 1970s pornstache-lookin’-ass face when he sees this.”
BAHAHA she's FUCKING HILARIOUS
My thumb slipped of its own accord and ended the call. Terrible accident, really; could have been anyone. Funny how life works.
Ahahaha I love Dory
“Fuck, I’m dead?” I snarled, gazing down at the desert. A bright light was pulling me farther into the sky. Which was probably good, right? I’m not the religious type, but I think the general consensus is that up is good.
Her first thought immediately is that she's dead?
The room was lined with rows of cylindrical tanks filled with green liquid. I peered closer at their contents to see the face of a sleeping woman floating in the tank. Her round face looked serene. Long braids fanned out around her face. A few tapped their beaded ends against the glass. The hair rose on the back of my neck as I took in each tank, noting that every one of them held a person. I rubbed my eyes, trying to wake up from the nightmare. Yet when I looked around again, the pods and their occupants remained. Worse still, I noticed that all of them were women. Reality sank to the pit of
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Hell Naw!! To the naw naw naw!!
Blue goop spilled out all over my hair. It weighed down my wild red curls until they felt like rivers of slime. “No! No strange alien goop in my hair, dammit!” I wailed, scrambling back onto my feet. “Fuck, my ass is gonna die. I’m so gonna die.”
Dory is so damn funny! And that's so real of her
…Fuck this. “You know what? If I have to die”—I raised a finger to all the bird fuckers in the room—“we’re all gonna die.”
You tell their asses Dory!!
Wasting no time, I pressed literally every button I could get my hands on. Red, green, blue, yellow, didn’t matter, I pressed the shit out of it.
Ahahaha not Dory pushing ALL of the buttons not caring!
“Four years of schooling. This internship is the last thing I need to get my doctorate. I could have been on the streets hoeing myself out with my friends and having a great time. Could have taken a train to New York City and gallivanted around Broadway like my cousin Jubilee! Or just married that boring Harvard doctor or whatever the fuck he studied like my mom wanted. But noooo, I had to have dreams, I had to have aspirations of saving the stupid fucking planet. My research team gets funding to help protect your whole environment, and you just…you just kill me!”
Crying! Not Dory being mad she can't hoe herself out now!!!
“I’m just—so done. I’m so done, and I hate you,” I hissed, shaking my fist at the lion. “I hope you choke on my bones after you eat me! I hope they find this escape pod and probe your ass. May your entire family line be cursed with hip dysplasia! I hate you, lion!”
Dory I think you're mad at the wrong person here
When I didn’t feel his fangs sinking into my neck, I peered down to see his head nuzzled against my chest. “Um, sir?” The lion untucked his head from my chest to look me in the eye. My gut sank, eyes watering at the beast’s horrid breath. He grunted, then a large pink tongue shot out and licked me square on my mouth. “Ew, that’s so nasty,” I said, wiping his spit off my face. He shook his head, his nose curling as if he tasted something he didn’t like. When he licked his chops, I noticed his gums had
Aww hell to the naw!!
“Braying zebras. I almost shat myself,” said a deep voice behind me. I paused, then looked at the beast. “Did you…did you just talk?” I asked. His ears perked up as he turned to face me. “Did you just talk?”
Why the fuck is the godsdamned lion talking?!
The lion groaned. “Look, you and I just went through a very traumatic experience together. An experience like that forms a bond. We’re basically brothers now. More importantly”—he sat down and grinned—“I’m a lion. Meaning I don’t know how to move this”—he looked around the ship before turning back to me—“box. The only reason I followed you is because I know your kind is good with this sort of thing. You’re always riding around the desert, singing your songs and shouting,” he said. Rearing back on his haunches, he waved his front paws in the air, no doubt mimicking an excited tourist. “Now, be
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Bitch he thinks Dory is male?!
He cocked his head, eyes shifting over my hair. “Oh, I assumed you were male because of your mane.”
Can he not smell the difference? Don't men and women give off different pheromones?
He snarled. I peed a little.
At least it wasn't shit?
“Is that a fucking mosasaur?” I screamed. The massive finned lizard twisted its body around with a roar. The surrounding water sprang off in tidal waves that damn near took me under once again. Catching sight of us, the beast sank under the water.
Umm hell fucking no!!!
“You gray bastard, I’ll eat your heart and shit out your dreams. Let go of me!”
Not the lion being hilarious too
“Right,” Toto said, walking up behind me. “You can’t just save us and not adopt us. What’s that word humans use for those animals that always stick around them? Pets? Yeah, that’s it. We’re your pets now, so you’re stuck with us. Feed me.”
Nah not a pet
We’re rolling with it. Cool, cool, cool.” Toto eyed me warily. “You’re looking lighter brown than you usually do. You’re not gonna—”
I think Dory deserves a breakdown or two
Tie it with the fact that one of my professors was an insanely hot paleontologist who would get all starry-eyed as soon as someone uttered the words “Cretaceous period.” Gods, the rabbit holes of research I used to go down just to get that man to glance in my direction.
Dory you're so real for that
“Hello there, my name’s Lokbaatar, but you can call me Lok. Tell me, gorgeous, are you the one that fell from that star?” “Star? Oh! The space pod, yes, that was Toto and me.” He grinned wide. “It seems wishing stars do exist. Tell me your name, Stardust.” What kind of isekai shit is this? I wasn’t sure how many laws of nature I was breaking by being attracted to aliens, but his grin was a little sexy. “I’m Do—”
Ngl, he's kinda got some rizz
A puzzled expression settled on his face before he looked down at his butt, his eyes widening in horror as he noticed a small dart protruding from his rear. He reached and plucked it out. Confusion turned to anger as he quickly turned his accusing gaze toward Lok. “You shot me with a dart?”
Kinda deserved right now
I felt a rush of air pass above us; the scent of cotton candy followed. A dart lodged itself in Lok’s shoulder, right where I was just standing. My heart raced as I realized Lok had taken the hit meant for me.
Who the fuck was aiming for Dory?
The once-invisible vessel now shimmered into view, revealing its sleek and compact design. It began to spiral out of control, hurtling toward the ground. The sounds of snapping branches and breaking twigs filled the air as the saucer crash-landed, skidding across the forest floor like a skipping stone until it came to a stop.
Wait is it the ailens who abducted Dory again?
His body shuddered before he fell to his back, wings akimbo. “You’re a class A species,” he said, voice hollow. “Not animals at all, you’re a class A species. Stars above, the war crimes we’ve committed. The Galactic Federation is gonna have our heads. I’m going to get demoted to a waste collector, if the natives don’t just kill me first.”
There's a government agency for aliens?
The Owlish snapped upright. His bright feathers puffed up until he resembled a distressed cotton ball with eyes. “No!” he cried, getting to his feet. Whirling around, he threw a metal ball on the ground. Its cracked screen revealed a web of fractured lines, mirroring the shattered hopes of the alien. With deep breaths, the Owlish snapped his attention back to us. Straightening his back, he waddled a few steps closer.
This is the second time an owl has been an antagonist/villian like charachter in a book I've read
marauders.
I lost my internal battle and raged. “I don’t want target practice. I want a grocery store. Fully stocked with food I don’t personally have to hunt down and kill. How long did you idiots even study humans?”
Crying the aliens really pulled a Jurassic Park
The Biwban grew frenzied, almost falling off his perch in his attempt to get away after I snatched the weapon. Just before he landed on his face, he remembered he had wings and corrected himself before hopping farther away from me. “Subject 4, please remain calm!”
Damn he couldn't even be bothered to call Dory by her damn name? Or at least learn it!
He flattened himself against a tree, whimpering when the spear brushed against the feathers of his belly. “And trust me Sub—Dory, I’d love to do that for you. But…” I pressed the spear into his belly, not enough to break the skin, but enough to make him shiver. “But what?” “We…we just don’t have the funding for that.”
I KNOW he's fucking LYING!!
All right, that settles it. I’ve died and been reincarnated in some stupid anime. If there are any gods at all, please don’t make this a full-blown “why choose.” Just keep it to us three. Lord, you know I don’t have the stamina.
I LOVE Dory sm!!
“Oh Mylanta,” I said, giggling. “Those idiots didn’t take out my implant. I can’t get pregnant!”
I have a feeling that'll change in the future
My knees hit the ground before I could even pretend
have an ounce of remaining feminism.
Hehehe
“Do you understand how badly I want to break you? I want you desperate, I want you needy, I want you so well used that you’ll never doubt who you fell from the sky for.”
GODSDAMN! That's kinda hot
“Run faster!” I yelled. My foot connected with the neck of a velociraptor, sending the dog-sized beast crashing into a tree. Those behind her leapt over their fallen comrade, using their superior speed to gain on Lok.
Are they STILL connected?!
“Isn’t she?” His face brightened, a direct attack on my heartstrings. He slapped her side. “Blossom, call your boyfriend.” She shifted her weight back on her feet and blared a tune into the sky. Lok produced another flower from his pocket and tossed it to Sol. “You get him, good luck.”
The duckbill has a fucking BOYFRIEND!?
He leaned in, pressing his body flush against my back before burying his nose in my hair, his nearness wreaking havoc on my senses. The cool silk of his clothes brushed against my heated skin. “Aye, we’re that simple.”
The alien has some MAD rizz!
The Biwban glared back at me, feathers puffed up in a sorry excuse to make himself look bigger. I will pluck those feathers off one by one. “I will never forget this slight,” I seethed.
The bird REALLY pissed off Dory!
