I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I'm Trapped in a Rom-Com

by Kimberly Lemming

“Thicken Nugget, you evil bitch, stop murdering half the desert,” I muttered from behind my camera. As expected, Thicken Nugget ignored my request.

But hey, that’s how you know she’s made it. Girl’s got an entire research team plotting her assassination.

“You know what? If I have to die”—I raised a finger to all the bird fuckers in the room—“we’re all gonna die.” I grabbed the nearest Owlish and threw it at the others charging forward. The creature squawked as it hit its comrades.

The lion yowled and curled up against my feet, as if I could protect us from the bitch slap gravity was about to deliver.

He snorted. “You’re going to need to let that go. It’s in the past.” “My blood is still on your mouth.” The lion groaned. “Look, you and I just went through a very traumatic experience together. An experience like that forms a bond. We’re basically brothers now.

He came over and nudged my side affectionately. “I’m sorry I tried to eat you.” “I’m sorry I cursed your whole family with hip dysplasia,” I said, scratching his ear. “You what?” “It’s in the past; we’re moving on.”

Sure enough, the long tail of a fucking mosasaur rose above the waves. “That thing is supposed to be extinct,” I said, getting to my feet. “Well, why don’t you go tell it that?” Toto said petulantly.

His warning only enraged the lion more and Toto thrashed harder. “You gray bastard, I’ll eat your heart and shit out your dreams. Let go of me!”

“I quit,” I shouted petulantly. “Spread my ashes by the seaside with a tasteful eulogy.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “Doubtful,” I replied. “What are you thinking?” The lion lowered his head and fixed the alien with a hungry stare. “I’m thinking we should eat him.” “Wha— No! He saved us.” “From rain. He tied us up and threw us around because of the rain.” “More like a monsoon.” “It was rude and he should pay for his crimes. Besides, look at him. I’ve never eaten…whatever that is before.”

“Are you kidding me?” I asked, voice rising with growing indignation. “Why, man, why do you want to disembowel him?” “Defending my kill, protecting you, the simple thrill of a fight to the death? I’m a fucking lion, take your pick.”

For a moment, we just stared at each other. Then I lowered the spear. He sighed in relief. “Toto,” I hollered over my shoulder. “Get over here; we’re eating him after all.”

A small part of me still held out hope that I’d be able to find a way back home, and I grabbed on to that little bit of hope with the delusional resolve of a mediocre man in an interview for a job he had no business even applying for.

I watched as that tongue globbed onto Sol’s face seemingly in slow motion; every emotion from surprise to horror to grim acceptance flashed across his face. His cheek pulled away before snapping back on a ricochet.

The frog blinked rapidly again. A look of shock crossed its face. “I…I can…think?” The frog fell very still. Then it just started screaming and didn’t stop. I pulled out my phone and added a note not to grant sentience to any other animals.

“Sol, what did you do before the Calamity?” “I was a lawyer.” “A lawyer? Of course. No wonder you’re wound so tight. So I’m traveling with three aliens and a lawyer to punch a bird in the face.”

The little blue bird innocently cleaned his feathers, refusing to look at me. “How did you even do this?” I asked him. His feathers poofed like he was shocked at the accusation. “Me? I…I didn’t do anything.” “I know it was you, okay? Today is not the day I get gaslit by a bird. The bedroom did not just spontaneously catch fire.”

I will pluck those feathers off one by one. “I will never forget this slight,” I seethed. “Come on, darling,” Sol drawled. “Do you hear me?” “Good night, Intern,” Lok called. “NEVER!”

“You’re not gonna die, are you?” A smile tugged at his lips. “The compassion in your voice is truly heartwarming. You know I’ve always longed for a mate that would question my continued existence with the same nonchalance of someone asking to pass the garlic bread.” I sucked in a breath. “There’s garlic bread on this planet?” “Do you even realize how much wonder is in your eyes right now? This is the happiest I think I’ve ever seen you, and it’s directed at neither me nor Lok.” He took my chin in his hand and tilted it up to face him. His voice was low and purposefully seductive. “Yes, my star, we have garlic bread on this planet.”

“Why do you think we worship Steamboat Willie?” The paintings were endless, all of them of old cartoons, King Kong, Dracula, and Sherlock Holmes for some godforsaken reason, all locked in battle with Steamboat Willie. In the center of the room, erected in his honor, was a statue of the glorious mouse himself, sailing his little steamboat over the bodies of his enemies.

“I think you already know why I’m here, Vexil.” His eyes widened, then he placed his hands on the desk, half prostrating himself in an attempt at appeasement. “No, wait!” My fist cracked against his beak, sending him sprawling to the ground. Vexil lay unmoving on the lush carpet. Behind me, Lok let out a great peal of laughter. “By the son of the red planet, Stardust, I think you killed him!” “Oh shit, did I?” I asked, running over to the concerningly still bird. The door burst open, and a panting Sol rushed in. “Did I miss it?” he asked. “She punched him to death,” Lok roared, before doubling over in laughter.