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June 25 - June 30, 2025
“You ever just wanna bite somebody?”
“No, strange talking lion. I’ve never been struck with the urge to bite someone.” “Well, if you’re going to be judgmental, I’ll shut up.”
In it sat a dark-skinned woman with a purple Afro and a cat eye so immaculate I got the deep sense that I could trust her with my life.
“Nah, fuck this.” Blair stepped out of her cage and dusted hay from her pants. “The talking bird just mated me to someone I wouldn’t even swipe right on Tinder for. I’m out; I’m done.”
“I don’t put up with men with mommy issues or overly dramatic dreams of vengeance.”
Stop. It’s embarrassing for me to be with you right now.” “What?” He chuckled. “I don’t stutter. And if what they told me about this mating-bond thing is true, I’m probably stuck with you. That means your actions reflect on me. I have a brand to maintain and you are bringing it down right now.”
“Humans can hurt their mates?!”
“Oh, I like you. Your friend reads like an open book, but you, I can’t tell if you’re bluffing or ready to spill my guts on the floor.”
I was getting real tired of life handing me lemons.
“Ah, so you have a similar legend on your home planet?” “Let’s just say the audacity of men is universal.”
Who builds a settlement right in the middle of a migration path—oooooooh.”
“Dory, this isn’t real. I’m literally a figment of your imagination. You’re drowning, remember? Wake up and tell that idiot king to move his settlement.”
“Hoof rot!” The reaction was immediate. The faces of our attackers twisted into horrified grimaces. The two charging forward skittered to a halt; one slipped on the cobblestones and frantically crab-walked backward to get away from my foot. For extra effect, I wiggled my toes and hopped closer to them. The guard in the rear retched and took off running. I turned to wiggle my toes at the man in the alleyway, only to find him long gone, his spear clanking against the stone floor as if it had been recently dropped. The man on the ground looked up to see that he had been left for dead in the face
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The weather on this planet was a violent, fickle thing.
“The compassion in your voice is truly heartwarming. You know I’ve always longed for a mate that would question my continued existence with the same nonchalance of someone asking to pass the garlic bread.”
Hell, poison coursed through my veins, and by no account were we actually safe at all, but…I felt at peace, just lying there with him.
“Watching you comb through every leaf, cataloging their growth and how it’s going to affect each creature from crawling bug to flying giant, makes me view the world with a sense of importance I’ve never had before. Before you, a vine was just a vine. Now I fret over their plans for world domination. You make the mundane precious.”
“Did you check the plants from our planet?” Sol asked. The intern halted, stunned.
“Intern,” I called. “What?” he snapped. Clearly in no mood at all. “Why do you think we worship Steamboat Willie?” The paintings were endless, all of them of old cartoons, King Kong, Dracula, and Sherlock Holmes for some godforsaken reason, all locked in battle with Steamboat Willie. In the center of the room, erected in his honor, was a statue of the glorious mouse himself, sailing his little steamboat over the bodies of his enemies.
“It’s listed as a communal entertainment building. You can…mingle, and stuff.” “I desperately want to be mad at you,” I said, gazing up at a portrait of Steamboat Willie choking the life out of Frankenstein’s monster. “But this is really fucking funny.”
“You’ve got no problem snatching up innocent women, but you’re scared of copyright infringement?” “Intellectual property theft is no laughing matter, Dory.
“He’s right, corporations don’t mess around with that,” Sol added. I rested a fist on my hip and regarded the former lawyer with clear disbelief. “You can’t honestly tell me that copyright infringement is taken more seriously than human trafficking.” His brow quirked. “How dark do you want to get?”
“Can my queen stay here with us tonight? She doesn’t like the rain.”
Toto slipped from my arms to join her. He was only able to get a good five feet from her before she gave a warning hiss.
“She won’t eat you, she promised. Right, my darling?” The Smilodon gave what sounded like a noncommittal grunt and lay down.
“Of course,” he conceded. “Tell me, Dory, how long did you study those meerkats before we took you?” “About two years.” He nodded and replied, “In those two years, did you ever ask any of them what they thought before ensuring that the conditions for their survival were met? Did you check to see how they felt before gathering DNA samples or conducting behavioral experiments?”
“No need to wake my queen, I will bring her a feast of sour birds and she will know of my devotion!”
“I was thinking we weren’t the ones she’s been chasing this whole time.”
“Osid, you conniving little fuck, you took my wife hostage in order to force me to accept your challenge on the grounds of dishonor, and then you poisoned my armor. If you accuse me of taking the coward’s way out by abandoning my position, I will rip your head off and drink from your skull, just like I did to your uncle.”
“Capture Subject 12 and her mate. They are to be delivered to the psych ward for couples counseling.”
The day always looks brighter when you’re no longer writhing half-dead on the floor.
“My darling queen said you’d keel over and perish without my protection, like a newborn cub. But I told her my pride was made of stronger stuff.”
I laid enough sour birds at her feet to feed a hyena matriarch and her brood. After she ate, I was even permitted to groom her.” I gasped. “Grooming this early into the courtship?” “I know! Soon I will have a litter of daughters to begin my empire. Our children will be the first in a line to dominate this planet for generations, I can feel it.”
“Maybe she never would have understood. But fuck her.” “Toto!” “No, I mean it. You’ve survived where most wouldn’t. More than that, you’ve faced off against predators thrice your size, protected your mates, and somehow calmed that mad king, from what I was told. Your mother can kiss a mamba. Even without proof, you should hold those accomplishments high.” “Yeah,” I said, smiling. “I guess you’re right.” “If it’s worth anything, if even one of my daughters turned out to be anything like you, I’d be proud to call them my own.”
Toto you sweet ass lion 😭
“Forever live with the knowledge that she loved me first.”
“She punched him to death,” Lok roared, before doubling over in laughter. Toto tried to duck underneath Sol’s legs, but was too tall and ended up lifting the man off the ground before Sol could hop off him. “She did?” he asked, rushing to the other side of the desk. The lion gasped before regarding me with a look of pure adoration. “Oh, Dory, I’m so proud of you!” “No, no, he’s not dead!” I shouted, more to myself than to the room. “We should celebrate,” Toto said to Lok. “No!” “Yes!” Toto shot back. “It’s your first kill! This is a huge moment.”
Field Agent 527, Code Name: Cupid
