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March 19 - March 22, 2025
But hey, that’s how you know she’s made it. Girl’s got an entire research team plotting her assassination.
My thumb slipped of its own accord and ended the call. Terrible accident, really; could have been anyone. Funny how life works.
He came over and nudged my side affectionately. “I’m sorry I tried to eat you.” “I’m sorry I cursed your whole family with hip dysplasia,” I said, scratching his ear. “You what?” “It’s in the past; we’re moving on.”
“What are you doing?” “Looking for the controls. All I see is the green launch button. Well, it’s red now,” I said, gesturing to the blinking red button. Toto looked at the button, then back to me. “What’s red?” “Wha— Right. You’re a lion, you can’t see that.” “Why not?” he roared. His tail flicked against the wall harshly. “Calm down. Your eyes just don’t possess the cones necessary to process the color red.” He snarled. I peed a little.
“Right,” Toto said, walking up behind me. “You can’t just save us and not adopt us. What’s that word humans use for those animals that always stick around them? Pets? Yeah, that’s it. We’re your pets now, so you’re stuck with us. Feed me.”
For a few measly minutes I was able to shut my brain off and ignore the fact that a pterodactyl from the Jurassic period calmly flew overhead, while tiny alwalkeria from the Triassic period scurried along the jungle floor. When a feathered dino I didn’t recognize leapt from tree to tree, I looked the other way. But when we passed by a giant ground sloth, I lost my shit. “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!” I screamed at the elephant-sized megafauna. The sloth in question paused his avocado pilfering to look back at me. “You belong in open woodlands during the ice age. Why? Why are you in a jungle with
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“Why, man, why do you want to disembowel him?” “Defending my kill, protecting you, the simple thrill of a fight to the death? I’m a fucking lion, take your pick.”
All right, that settles it. I’ve died and been reincarnated in some stupid anime. If there are any gods at all, please don’t make this a full-blown “why choose.” Just keep it to us three. Lord, you know I don’t have the stamina.
I was exhausted, frustrated, and egregiously horny on an alien planet with no way home.
“By the way, T. rexes are pink. Fucking pink. We all had it wrong.”
Another hour and I’d probably be on all fours howling at the moon for dick.
“If one of you doesn’t start licking my clit soon, I will riot.” A slow grin spread across his face, revealing the sharp canines that poked just slightly into his lower lip. But it was Lok who answered, “Good girl.”
How do they even know what a clit is, let alone where it is?!
“Where’s your clit, Stardust? Show me.”
Ahh, good.
I patted him on the shoulder. “Ladies, please. You’re both pretty, and really good at killing things. Can we relax now?”
No, Lok was something much more menacing to my heart. He was a man who was good with animals. Be it firemen posing with adorable kittens on calendars, Steve Irwin calling a crocodile rightfully trying to murder him beautiful, or apparently even alien men petting dinosaurs, something about it made me weak in the knees every time.
Starting tomorrow I only ride with Lok. Sol is dangerously my type and a girl has to have her wits about her when traversing an alien planet. Lok was a danger all on his own, but at least his playboy style of flirting didn’t make me fantasize about cosigning a lease.
When we finally reached the edge of the forest, my jaw fell open at the sight. Not at the cluster of houses dropped in the middle of nowhere, but the rainbow mountains that surrounded them. A kaleidoscope of colors swirled around the peaks while rocks splattered bits of blue and yellow through the valleys, as if a struggling artist had grabbed buckets of paint and a handful of shrooms and just said, “Fuck it.”
“Why do all of these houses only have one bed?” “Our research shows that the ‘only one bed’ method is a tried-and-true way to get humans to mate! Thankfully you’ve been rather agreeable when it comes to mating, but we’ve added a few incentives to hopefully trigger more obstinate pairings to come together.”
Toto darted up the steps to watch her retreat to god knows where. “I’ll see you tomorrow? Or tonight? Just roar when you want some company. Or worship. Everlasting adoration.” He sighed, so struck with wistful pining that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and kept going. “Oh, darling, why are we fighting this? I want to swim in your eyes and die defending your lands!”
It was a pity and a crime I wasn’t given a moment’s notice before getting shipped off into an alien breeding program. They could’ve at least let me bring a carry-on bag. I had no hair supplies, no lotion, no laptop filled to the brim with movies, nothing.
Two Tamagotchi dings and a sore coochie later…
“I…may have tried to milk some of her venom.” “You tried to milk a T. rex?” “For your chocolate!” he cried. “These animals had to be crossed with an arachnid-type species from the Sankado’s planet. They produce a numbing agent to paralyze their prey, and if my theory is correct, it could be used to make a similar taste to chocolate.” “YOU TRIED TO MILK A T. REX?”
“I don’t know how things work in your species,” he began, his voice more gentle now. “But as a Sankado male, I need you to be safe. If you get hurt, this world and everyone in it will turn to ash beneath my hooves.” Hot.
He couldn’t die now. Did the poached eggs mean nothing?
I looked past Lok into the storm, hoping for some miracle Homeward Bound situation where Intern, Sol, and Toto came running over the hill into my waiting arms.
Under no circumstances should my Black ass be creeping around an alien planet by myself.
“Let’s just say the audacity of men is universal.”
Ah. I’m drowning again. It doesn’t hurt, which probably means I have a concussion. Which is not ideal, clearly.
I could still study animals on this planet—a much wider variety than I’d planned to study on Earth. I’d have none of the funding or tools, but on the bright side, no student loans. Take that, Sallie Mae.
You make the mundane precious.” I’m gonna fucking cry. There was a flutter in my chest, which I hoped to god was love and not cyanide.
“I’m so confused but strangely into this. Continue.”
“You knew about the chocolate thing? I didn’t even know you were listening to that.” “I’m obsessed with you,” he said simply. “Of course I was listening.”
In order to actually get to Vexil’s desk, you had to walk through two separate “welcome” rooms, make a left at the indoor pond, then walk up four flights of stairs. Why were there so many stairs? Why on Waffles did he not spring for an elevator?
The modifications the Biwban did on me must have done something to my cervix, because, girl, where are you?
