I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I'm Trapped in a Rom-Com

by Kimberly Lemming

I’d bet my next paycheck that the sight of my solar-powered, heavy-duty phone case would have her fainting faster than her pastor after his wife and girlfriend both showed up to Sunday sermon. Which, to this day, is the most fun I’ve ever had in church.

“Braying zebras. I almost shat myself,”

“You gray bastard, I’ll eat your heart and shit out your dreams. Let go of me!”

“Right,” Toto said, walking up behind me. “You can’t just save us and not adopt us. What’s that word humans use for those animals that always stick around them? Pets? Yeah, that’s it. We’re your pets now, so you’re stuck with us. Feed me.”

All right, that settles it. I’ve died and been reincarnated in some stupid anime. If there are any gods at all, please don’t make this a full-blown “why choose.” Just keep it to us three. Lord, you know I don’t have the stamina.

My heart took a leap of faith and shot out of my ass. Endless survival scenarios poured through my head. Make yourself look bigger to a big cat, punch a shark in the gills, shout and make a ton of noise for a grizzly bear. None of which prepped me on what to do when a fucking chonk of an ancient predator sniffs your pants.

A small part of me still held out hope that I’d be able to find a way back home, and I grabbed on to that little bit of hope with the delusional resolve of a mediocre man in an interview for a job he had no business even applying for.

My knees hit the ground before I could even pretend to have an ounce of remaining feminism.

my thighs said, “Fuck you, live fast, die young,” and clamped around it for dear life.

It was a miracle my pants didn’t disintegrate under the burn of his touch.

His voice was a low drawl. One that you sank into like the sea at night. Its water wrapped around you, keeping you safe and warm as it pulled you deeper into the dark.

When he broke the kiss to rip the shirt with his teeth, my gasp was both indignant and appallingly aroused. “I’ll get you another one,” he said against my nipple. Then he bit it. He’s right. Fuck the shirt.

I want to ask about your day and create a shared playlist on Spotify so I can learn your music tastes. No, dammit, Dory! You weak bitch, this was supposed to be fun alien sex. Why do you always equate good dick with relationship material? CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION!

When we finally reached the edge of the forest, my jaw fell open at the sight. Not at the cluster of houses dropped in the middle of nowhere, but the rainbow mountains that surrounded them. A kaleidoscope of colors swirled around the peaks while rocks splattered bits of blue and yellow through the valleys, as if a struggling artist had grabbed buckets of paint and a handful of shrooms and just said, “Fuck it.”

So I’m traveling with three aliens and a lawyer to punch a bird in the face.”

“If she were a cobra I’d beg for her poison every sunrise and sunfall.” His forward advance was met with a dangerous swipe from her claws. He backed to the bottom of the steps and sat down. “It’s too soon, you’re right. What would we tell the cubs if we rushed things? You luscious thing, our sons will be giants.”

I just named a planet after a breakfast food. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and my dumb ass said “waffles.”

“YOU TRIED TO MILK A T. REX?” “For science!”

The blood on my hands holds no purpose other than to stain my dreams.

There was a darkness in his eyes, a deep, festering rage that chilled my spine, but when he spoke, there was a lightness in his tone. Like we were old friends. Like he wasn’t contemplating the best way to rip my throat out. And it terrified me.

Before you, a vine was just a vine. Now I fret over their plans for world domination. You make the mundane precious.”