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Malachi, I’m sorry I can’t be there for you anymore, son. I hope you can one day forgive me for leaving. You see, Daddy’s head isn’t a nice place, and he’s not good for you and your mother. I tried so hard, but you both deserve better. I wish I could choose you and fight the poison in my brain, but I can’t. I’ll see you again one day, but hopefully not anytime soon. Your new eight-legged friend will protect you, just like I know you’ll protect him. I suggest the name Rex or Spikey. Don’t be afraid of him. After all, you’re an arachnophile, just like me. Love, Daddy.
Rex is my only friend now. He’s silent. So am I. Mommy hates that I don’t talk to her anymore, but I like keeping things to myself. Everything I say always results in a slap across my face or her yelling at me. He’s the only one who talks to me now without using words. My best friend. My protector. My hero until Daddy comes home.
When I turn eight, I don’t get any birthday cards or a cake like the other kids in the orphanage—I sit under the bed with a drawing of my spider and imagine a crowd of people singing happy birthday to me, and we blow out candles that I draw. I close my eyes and make a wish. I wish someone would choose me.
If they send me back, which they probably will, I’ll run away again and make sure they’ll never find me. Because I’ll be in heaven with my parents.
Without thinking, because I want her to like me too, I lift my hands and sign, Please don’t be afraid of me
She won’t be taken from me. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll be good. I’ll do as I’m told. I’ll be the kid they obviously needed to complete their family. Olivia. My new little sister. I couldn’t protect my mom or Rex, but I think I could protect her. I will protect her. Because she’s mine.
I always knew I was fucked up, but this? This takes the fucking cake.
There’s a boundary that society created, stopping me from falling in love with my sister, and I want to tear that boundary to fucking shreds and keep her. I’ll set fire to it and everyone who stands in my way. I love Olivia, but I’m not sure it’s the same way I grew up loving her anymore. It’s stronger, violent, and I have a feeling if she ordered me to get on my knees and kiss her fucking feet, I’d do it. Anything she asked, I’d do.
I’m imagining him in a body bag. Bloodied. Ripped to shreds. Diced and minced and pulverized. No longer in existence. No one will ever be good enough for Olivia.
The more I look at her, the more I realize how doomed I am. I’ve never had any luck—but she’s the rainbow I’ll fucking chase to win something more important than my own life.
Her lips are moving, and I want to taste them. I silently laugh because the world certainly hates me. Why, out of the entire universe, do I end up adopted into the same family as the girl I’m madly in love with?
No. You were mine when we were kids, and you’re mine now. You’ll always be mine.
Even when we’re dead, our souls will belong to one another.
She slaps my arm after I shake my head, and I grit my teeth, wanting her to hit me harder. Slap my face. Spit on me. Fucking pull my hair and call me the best big brother ever.
Run
“
Unless you want me to fuck you on this table in front of the entire restauran...
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“We aren’t on that le...
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Run, Olivia. I want to chase you. I want to catch you. I want to fuck you until you scream so loud, you lo...
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“I don’t love you, Malachi. I could never love someone like you.”
Because I can’t talk? Because I can’t tell you how fucking breathtaking you are every second of every day? Because I can’t breathe without being near you? Someone like me… I’m different—I can’t be normal for you. I can’t defend you without using my fists or my bat, and I can’t touch you at the same time as telling you that you’re everything to me. I can’t whisper sweet nothings into your mouth, and I can’t fucking marry you because not only am I your brother, but I’m defective.
Believe me or don’t, but you’re the only person in my life, and you always have been. And when you take your last breath, or I take mine, that won’t fucking change. You. Are. Mine. My goddamn property, do you understand?
Your daughter tastes fucking delicious,
Mom is hellbent on me marrying still, so I need to try to get her to stop. I’ll refuse. I won’t marry anyone who isn’t you, Malachi, because you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, even if I have to wait a while.
For one, I don’t know how to take someone on a date. And two, no.
Did I choose my obsession with my sister over a loving family? I made them the way they are.
Olivia is stuck with me until one of us dies, and even then, we’re still bonded—sealed together by our undying love. Even if she tells me to leave, I won’t. I’m hers and only hers, even if she doesn’t fucking want me.
“I don’t know if I can ever forgive you,” he tells me. “But I’ll try.” I flinch as his hand lands on my shoulder. He pats me twice, then slides his hand off me and goes to turn around. “Dad,” I say, my nerves taking over when he pauses. I rub my fist against my chest with more meaning than ever. I’m sorry. “I know, son.”
“I’m your partner. Your lover. Your brother. Your everything, Olivia.”
But what you are to me is something more than any words can explain. If someone found a way to remove you from existence, I would burn the world before making sure my soul found yours in the afterlife.
I love you now. I loved you yesterday. When we were kids. When we were teens. When you had me thrown in jail and when I found you again. I’ll love you tomorrow. Next month. Next year. When you’re mothering my child. And when we’re old and gray, I’ll love you even more, because I’ll have had a fucking lifetime to fall more and more in love with you. Is that enough for you, Olivia? Do you need more from me?
