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I’m sorry I can’t be there for you anymore, son. I hope you can one day forgive me for leaving. You see, Daddy’s head isn’t a nice place, and he’s not good for you and your mother. I tried so hard, but you both deserve better. I wish I could choose you and fight the poison in my brain, but I can’t. I’ll see you again one day, but hopefully not anytime soon. Your new eight-legged friend will protect you, just like I know you’ll protect him. I suggest the name Rex or Spikey. Don’t be afraid of him. After all, you’re an arachnophile, just like me. Love, Daddy.
Rex is my only friend now. He’s silent. So am I. Mommy hates that I don’t talk to her anymore, but I like keeping things to myself. Everything I say always results in a slap across my face or her yelling at me. He’s the only one who talks to me now without using words. My best friend. My protector. My hero until Daddy comes home.
I should scream. I should cry. I should do something. But I couldn’t protect him, just like I couldn’t protect Mommy. I failed.
When I turn eight, I don’t get any birthday cards or a cake like the other kids in the orphanage—I sit under the bed with a drawing of my spider and imagine a crowd of people singing happy birthday to me, and we blow out candles that I draw. I close my eyes and make a wish. I wish someone would choose me.
Without thinking, because I want her to like me too, I lift my hands and sign, Please don’t be afraid of me.
She won’t be taken from me. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll be good. I’ll do as I’m told. I’ll be the kid they obviously needed to complete their family. Olivia. My new little sister. I couldn’t protect my mom or Rex, but I think I could protect her. I will protect her. Because she’s mine.
Bloodied. Ripped to shreds. Diced and minced and pulverized. No longer in existence. No one will ever be good enough for Olivia.
The more I look at her, the more I realize how doomed I am. I’ve never had any luck—but she’s the rainbow I’ll fucking chase to win something more important than my own life.
She slaps my arm after I shake my head, and I grit my teeth, wanting her to hit me harder. Slap my face. Spit on me. Fucking pull my hair and call me the best big brother ever.
