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“Thank you,” I said quietly, knowing he couldn’t hear me. “Thank you for her.”
“Sometimes you have to leave so you can know what it is you left. You don’t really value something until you’ve lost it.”
“We attack it immediately and without mercy. We start with
chemo, and we move forward. We fight. She fights. And when she’s too tired to fight, then you do what you can to fight for her, because this is an all-out war.”
I need one thing from you: Get your ass to Telluride. I know your ETS date is right with mine. Take it. Ella’s all alone. Not in the alone way that she has been, but really, truly alone. Our grandmother, our parents, and now me. It’s too much to ask her to endure. It’s not fair.
But here’s the kicker: Maisie is sick. She’s only six, Beck, and my niece might die. So if I’m gone, that means I can’t get home in January like we’d planned. I can’t be there for her. I can’t help Ella through this, or play soccer with my nephew, or hold my niece. But you can. So I’m begging you, as my best friend, go take care of my sister, my family.
I’ll save you a seat on the other side, brother, but take your time. Take every single second you can. You are the only brother I would have wished for, and my very best friend. And just in case no one ever told you—you’re worthy. Of love. Of family. Of home. So while you’re searching for those things, please make sure Telluride is where you look. At least for a little while.
She wasn’t the child-killer in the room. I was.
Ummmm?????
My call sign is Chaos. I miss you and your letters so damn much. I crave your words more than oxygen. I’m so sorry about Ryan. I don’t deserve to be here. He does.
I’d fallen in love with her. Fallen for her words, her strength, her insight and kindness, her grace under impossible circumstances, her love for her children, and her determination to stand on her own. I could list a thousand reasons that woman owned whatever heart I had.
“I guess you’re just going to have to wait and see.”
“She looks like such a docile little thing. You’d never guess she’d be capable of ripping someone apart.” “She’s like any other woman in that regard, ma’am.”
“I like you, Mr. Beckett. You let my best friend borrow yours.”
“Like someone picks up your life and shakes it like a snow globe,” Ella offered. “It seems to take forever for the pieces to settle, and then they’re never in the same place.”
“Don’t let go,” she whispered. Her hands were still between us, but she wasn’t pushing me away, they were simply resting on my pecs. If anything, she leaned in. “I’d forgotten what this felt like.” “Being hugged?” My voice was sandpaper-rough.
“Besides, as soon as you leave, Ada will give me the sugar-free ice cream.”
“I want to picnic with Maisie. If she feels well enough.”
“Play my position, show no fear, and tonight we dine on the souls of our enemies!” Ella leaned sideways and raised an eyebrow at me.
As you get bigger, you’ll see that it’s not how you handle the wins that make you a good man, it’s how you handle the losses.”
“I just wanted to say that you’re really fast. Good job today.”
“You, too. That was an awesome goal!”
“Well, he’s really fast. But you know what? We play them again at the end of the summer, and I’m going to be faster. I can wait that long to kick his butt.”
“What it feels like?” I asked. “Having a dad?” He tilted his head slightly.
“Good idea. Let’s tend to the women.” He
“It should be me.” “What?” “I should be sick, not Maisie. It’s not fair. It should be me.” His eyes were just as glassy as Maisie’s, but because of unshed tears.
“Ella, marry me.”
“I wouldn’t care if you did.”
“I would do anything for you.” His eyes locked onto mine in the dashboard lights, intense and a little hurt. “What is it going to take for you to believe me? To trust me? You want my background checked? Do it. You want my credit score? Awesome. My bank accounts? I’ll add you on. You have my word, my body, my time, and I’m standing here offering my last name. What else can I give you?”
“Yeah, I love you, too. And I’d really like a dirt ramp.”
“Is that why you forgot about me?”
“But you didn’t break up with me!” he shouted. “Or Maisie! You just disappeared! And when I snuck out to see you, you were already gone. You left without a goodbye, or a reason.” “I’m right here,” I promised, my throat tightening, nearly choking my words.
“But I didn’t know that! You said you loved me and that we were friends. Friends don’t do that.”
trembling sadness. “I just…I kind of thought you were my dad. Or maybe you would be one day. And then you were gone.”
my chest, wrapping my arms around him. “Me, too, Colt. Nothing would have made me happier than to be your dad. You are the best little boy I could have ever imagined having. This isn’t your fault. It’s not your mom’s fault. It’s my fault. So if you want to be mad, that’s okay, but you have to be mad at me. No one else. Promise?” “I don’t want to be mad.” He cried into my shirt. “I want you to fix it!”
“No. It’s not. It’s impossible to see you, to be in the same room as you, and not want to drop to my knees and beg your forgiveness. It’s all I can do to keep my hands off you,
not to kiss you, touch you, remind you how good we are together and how much I love you. It’s killing me not to take you upstairs and show you the bedroom I built just for you, if for no other reason than to get to sleep next to you. Every aspect of this feels like a knife is twisting in my gut, and the worst happened yesterday when Colt told me that I didn’t love him. That he’d thought I was going to be his dad and instead went and forgot about him, and then said I was a coward for not fixing us. And you know what? He’s right about the coward part. I can lie and say I know you don’t want me
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We are imperfect people made that way by an imperfect world, and we don’t always get a say in what shapes us. I do
Hers read, “HAVOC.” Mine read, “CHAOS.”
eyed the smashed bag of Oreos in Colt’s cup holder and rolled my eyes. That boy was going to be the death of me.
get to see Uncle Ryan.”
MY HEART IS SHATTERED
“Oh, Colt. We were going to tell you. We were just waiting for Maisie to be okay, but I adopted you last year. You’ve had a dad for a while. One who loves you more than the moon and stars.”
“You’re my dad.” “I’m your dad.” “So this is what it feels like.” He reached over, his hand cold as he laid it against my cheek. “I love having a dad.”
“I’m a Gentry,” Colt said, managing to pry his eyes open again.
“Colton Ryan MacKenzie-Gentry. I got everything I ever wanted.”
“I love you, Dad,” he whispered. “I love you, Colt.”
Take care of him, Ryan.
“I need to take him to his mother.”
“I knew last night. It stopped hurting. I knew he was gone.”
It was a red leaf. …
She’d put her blue one in with him last night, saying that was the only way they could be apart. But watching the light drain from her eyes, I knew we weren’t just burying Colt but part of Maisie as well.
